Aaron Anderson sees a lot of confusing stereotypes when he looks at the modern father. And he would like to see those changed.
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Ever since the feminist movement began in the 1960’s men’s roles have been changing. Nowhere is this more evident than in the role of modern fathers. Before the 1960’s fathers were portrayed like Ward Cleaver, a hard working man who would come home from the office, set his brief case down, sit in his comfy chair and read the paper while his wife cooked and kids played outside. As a father, the family looked to him for pearls of wisdom to solve their problems. And whenever he said something, it was ironclad, not to be questioned.
That was fifty years ago. Women’s roles have changed substantially and with it, father’s roles have changed as well. Nowadays, fathers are portrayed much differently. Instead of the intelligent Ward Cleaver, the stereotypical father regularly portrayed by the media is more like Homer Simpson, dumb, incompetent and needing more Duff beer. Despite that they’re expected to be dumb and incompetent, they’re also expected to do more than ever before. In addition to the gender typical responsibilities of fixing cars and doing general household repairs that they’ve always been expected to do, they’re also expected to be responsible for non-gender typical responsibilities like cleaning, cooking, taking care of the children, etc. So they’re expected to be able to do more but be dumb and drink beer doing it.
Confusion Over the Role of the Father
This kind of culture where fathers are expected to be dumb, incompetent and yet still able to do more than ever leaves many men confused about what the role as a father is. They’re still supposed to be strong and dependable for their family but they’re also viewed as dumb and incompetent, too. They’re not supposed to be the Ward Cleaver-like leaders of the family because they’re supposed to share leadership with their wife. But being viewed as dumb and incompetent, it’s hard to garner the appreciation and admiration necessary even to be a co-leader.
As a family counselor seeing how fathers are portrayed by the media and seeing the mixed messages men receive about what it means to be a father, it makes sense to me why nearly 1/3 of all homes in the U.S. are fatherless and over half of the children born in 2011 were born to unwed mothers. It would seem that fathers are opting out of trying to navigate this mishmash and choosing to go solo instead. If fathers are treated as dumb, incompetent and disposable then why would any man want the image and responsibility of being a father? Men would much rather be like the men portrayed in the chick flicks that women go ga for: Men who are single, strong, independent and successful. It’s much easier and more rewarding to navigate this socially acceptable lifestyle than it is to navigate all the inconsistent expectations of modern fatherhood.
What Does a Modern Father Look Like?
The male persona as portrayed in chick flicks seems to be the only consistent, socially acceptable role for modern men. Based on this persona, men are expected to be mysterious, strong, handsome, and successful. Men who fit this persona are rewarded with plentiful women and endless potential sex. But the problem is in that in real life this man is objectified. Women only want him because of his image. And once he becomes a father, this image fades to one where he’s then dumb and incompetent. It’s no wonder men would rather fit the image of the male lead in a chick flick rather than the image of a modern father.
As a father myself, I hope that the days lay ahead where fathers are more respected than what they are now. I get excited to think about a day when being a father is a valued position in society that men once again strive towards. I also look forward to the time when women place higher value the men who are good fathers and not just the ones who meet the typical chick flick persona. I look forward to a day where fathers are looked up to again as the strong, competent and capable people that we are.
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As someone who was married to an alcoholic man for 10+ years, it is my belief that women have no choice but to learn to provide for themselves and become providers for their family if needed. I also grew up in a family where my mother was the provider. My father, although not an alcoholic, was very stingy and preferred to spend his money on cars and electronics. I was quite young when I got married – so I didn’t see the early signs of alcoholism in my husband – but thank goodness I was smart enough to keep our… Read more »
This just in! I found an article in the newspaper (a pretty renowned one, that is). They cited a new study that claims to have found a correlation between the size of a man’s testicles (and hence his testosteron levels), and his ability or willingness to actively partake in his kids’ upbringing. I.e. the bigger the testicles, the less “connection” to kids, but a higher drive to reproduce… Now, there’s no link to the study, but it’s referred to a Dr(?) Jennifer Mascaro at the institution for Anthropology at the Emory university in Atlanta. (Note that they cite a correlation,… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal I hope you are well.. You write: ✺”They cited a new study that claims to have found a correlation between the size of a man’s testicles (and hence his testosteron levels), and his ability or willingness to actively partake in his kids’ upbringing. I.e. the bigger the testicles, the less “connection” to kids, but a higher drive to reproduce…”✺ From now on some men must hide their testicles as best they can:) I found an article that said women with the highest estrogen levels is also the prettiest (estrogen makes pretty) but they were also the most fertile… Read more »
Hi Iben, I associate “pretty” mostly with the features of one’s face, but I would expect estrogen levels to affect more the figure of one’s body. But what do i know? And women must choose low testosterone men for marriage and fathers for their children. But are low testosterone men also passionate ? It depends what you mean by “passionate”? If you mean high-libido, then I guess not. But if you, according to your theory, are a low-estrogen woman, you wouldn’t be interested in that anyway? But if you by “passionate” mean that a man is romantic, and interested in… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal
The question is if the balls may actually shrink when you take care of your children:
Norwegian:
http://www.forskning.no/kortnytt/366589
The original study:
http://www.pnas.org/content/early/2013/09/04/1305579110
Hi Iben,
If you read my post again, you’ll see that I actually wrote:
“Note that they cite a correlation, not a cause.”
[and] over half of the children born in 2011 were born to unwed mothers. It would seem that fathers are opting out of trying to navigate this mishmash and choosing to go solo instead.
Well, cohabitation without marriage is on the rise.
In Swedenit is something similar, yet 99% of newborn children has parents living under the same roof.
What was it now that Mark Twain said about statistics…? 😉
Hi FlyingKal
I guess Norway is similar to Sweden.
2012 :
Children born to married mothers: 43,52%
Children born to cohabiting mothers :43,15%
Children born to single mothers: 13,29%
Think about it …. Divorced dads or even never married dads, when they go to court to establish rights, men are frequently given the short end of the stick. Limited visitation, supervised visits etc. Yet some dude can sleep with mom and move in and have ALL the rights the dad was denied and not be required to pay one red cent toward child support.
Hi Aaron Let me ask you one question. You are family counselor. That must mean you know a lot about why women imitate divorce. You write here about the negative message the media give of men in America. But what about the toxic message that say women just marry and then dispose of men in non fault divorce. Are really all American married men perfect husband and fathers that get exploited and dumped by evil greedy selfish women? Again and again I read on GMP that 70% of divorces are initiated by women. That is true. I am one of… Read more »
I don’t think it’s surprising that men are opting out of fatherhood, either by not having children in the first place or being less than completely involved in their children’s lives. Yes, there are ways we devalue the roles of fathers, but I do think that is moving in the right direction. However, at the same time, we’ve raised the expectations and burdens of parenthood to an almost impossible level. Its no wonder that fewer people of either gender (particularly those with money and education) are choosing to opt out. The risks and responsibilities have become too high, and in… Read more »
“1/3 of all homes in the U.S. are fatherless”
It’s not like a man can have an abortion. How many of these guys wanted to be a father?
Gee, maybe it’s because society sends men the message that “we don’t need you, just your money”
I’d rather just keep my money, if those are my options.
Aaron,
“And once he becomes a father, this image fades to one where he’s then dumb and incompetent. It’s no wonder men would rather fit the image of the male lead in a chick flick rather than the image of a modern father.”
No Aaron, these objectified men never stick around. Many of them really did not want children. It was/is the women who were pressuring him to have children.
Good looking, handsome, and successful men know they have lots of options when it comes to women.
Jules, that’s a sweeping statement; there’s every possibility that a man might want a child just as much as the woman. Just because you have a lot of options where women are concerned does not mean that you don’t want children. I think Aaron’s right; there is a very uncomfortable fall that occurs when you become a family man from being the “hero” to being the “liability”.
I wish I had the study available, It was that about 30% of children born in the US were a surprise / unwanted by the father. Effective reversible Male BC with success rates similar to the pill might help that a lot.
I think there is two seperate issues: One is society’s current view of husbands: my mother has some of those “witty” wall hangings in her kitchen that say things like “A husband’s place is in the wrong” and there’s another equally anti-male which I’m racking my brains to think of (and it’s not worth me taking the four hours round trip and extortionate train fare to find out). And like any sexist joke it could be considered funny if you were secure in the knowledge that she didn’t actually think that it was true, but I know she does, or… Read more »
I know how absurdly long that was but as a little postscript here’s a link to a study that I think is relevant:
http://lawreview.law.ucdavis.edu/issues/39/3/color-feminism-state/DavisVol39No3_MALDONADO.pdf
Hi Joseph
I read the report from the university in Davis.
Everybody here should read it. It is important.
Excellent study ….yes everyone should read it
Television badly portrays fathers. Sitcoms are low quality entertainment. I find myself watching less t.v. There are many good dads out there. There are some bad ones too. We shouldn’t blame women for men leaving their families. I agree that The Cosby Show was a great show. Bill Cosby was a great dad. Men and Women need to be seen as equal partners in a marriage. In the 50’s, men dominated everything. It is good that things have changed. I agree that fathers need to be valued more.
@JoAnne…
Seriously, just how many modern day women in their 20s & 30s want a Mr. Huxtable? He is/was Nice Guy, remember. And we all know most women do not want to fuck a Nice Guy.
Enough said
MD Dr.= Social status + Money still in demand
Joanna …. What do you mean by “In the 50′s, men dominated everything?”
The smartest advice you can give to any young man about fatherhood is “avoid it, by any means necessary.”
Better Question: Why do so many men still want to be fathers? (Whether they are present or absent.) What’s driving the need to procreate in an overpopulated world?
Hi Eric
If Americans can not reproduce enough children to keep the society going in the future , then the only other option is to bring in some millons of refugees and immigrants each year.
Six million Syrians are on the move away from the war looking for a safe place to live.
@Iben…..
Hello….
The US is no where near this point. It’s legal immigrants have higher birth rates. Even if you remove the Black and Hispanic populations, the net birth rate is still positive. Minority women have much higher birth rates than white women in America.
Hi Jules I find somewhat different info about birth rates. America 1,99 and a country need 2,1 to reproduce itself. The strange thing is that the small country Island has a birthrate of 2,2. Maybe a result too their negative attitudes to porn 🙂 Traditionally they have a high rate of single mother,and it is not seen as low status. Their prime minister was a single mother. Did you know that many inhabitants on Island have DNA from Native Americans? The Vikings went to America, stayed a while but returned back home to island. They must have brought wife’s,children and… Read more »
@Eric…
The world in NOT over populated. The US, Canada, Australia, and parts of the old USSR have lots of empty space still available.
@Eric Gaby
Are you really responsible for the version of the song “Alouette” that goes “omelette, gentille omelette…”? Wikipedia says that you are.
And there you have an argument for the male pill….. Let men be as responsible for the decisions as women are… Both should be taking precautions.
Casey you do make an excellent point but I would go one step further, we also should give men equivalent choices as women when the protective measures fail. Now I am not suggesting the same choices i.e. abortion etc but equiv choices, allow them to opt out of the responsibility when they make s choice to protect against pregnancy and those protections fail.
Hey, it’s not my fault. I didn’t have sex with anybody. On the other hand I’m not marrying anyone with kids so you could say I’m ignoring my fatherly duties.
Or one afternoon. Like when a close friend of mine got a call from the sheriff’s department about his missing daughter and wife. Oh wait, they weren’t missing or in a car accident like he feared when he got the call. His wife was just waiting for the TPO to be issued against him. So although he had no other family in town, his friends gave him a place to stay, watched over him 24/7 while he was suicidal (about two weeks), delayed his retirement so he could keep earning the money the court expected him to pay out to… Read more »
Yeah. I think this is also a problem. Fathers’ rights needs to be more recognized in courts and divorce, etc.
Aaron- I appreciate this piece, and while I wish we could have the conversation without generalizing some of the perspectives, I do think that dialogue regarding societies redefining of fatherhood and the relationship that masculinity has on that role is one worth having. I’m not entirely convinced; however, that conclusions you’ve made suggest that men are opting out of fatherhood. To opt out of something, you usually have to be in it to a degree to begin with. Men that impregnate their sexual partner and then decided to leave, creating fatherless households, never really opted into fatherhood to begin with.… Read more »
Well said Andrew. Fatherhood absolutely needs to be something that is impressed to teenagers, young men, etc. Hopefully then they’ll make smarter decisions about when to begin sexual relationships and make smarter decisions about safe sex.
Well said 🙂
I am a mom. My hubby is a great father. He is often confused at what is going on with the kids. I am a stay at home mom so that is my job. When things come up I often hear “Where is your mother?” I don’t think that makes him a Homer Simpson just a working dad. He is NOT a Mr Clever either. I do not really think that is the ideal man either. If I HAD to chose the best TV dad it would be Mr. Huxtable. He was competent but often confused especially with the daughters.… Read more »
He wasn’t confused, he was just making a point and often a joke.
Thanks for your comment, Michelle. I agree that men are running away. I guess what I am saying is that men are running away because their roles have changed and they don’t know what their place in the family is anymore. I don’t think it’s TV’s fault, either. I think there have been fundamental shifts in men’s and women’s roles in our society and where the women have the feminist movement, men don’t have a similar movement shouting for them and what their roles are/should be. Thank heaven for the Good Men Project and the National Fatherhood Initiative, I say.
@Michelle..
“Fathers have continually run away. I am not saying all but plenty have.”
Yes. Many, too many honestly, are not sticking around. Also, many fathers are being shuttered by self-centered women.
I’m the SAHD….. My wife refers things and questions about the kids back to me all the time……It’s the role your fulfilling not the sex of the person in the role. I make sure the pantry is stocked, know preferences, Find best pricing, plan vacations, maintain the cars, help / monitor homework, clean up after them. It’s a role….. and a couple whether M/M, F/F, or old school like us M/F needs to modify the roles to fit the actors playing the parts. I never expected to play this role….never planned for it…..but I do the best damn job of… Read more »
Your writing on the messages to modern fathers reminded me of this article some of those consequences and how they impact people.
http://www.stltoday.com/news/local/metro/a-sister-acts-as-an-unlikely-mentor-to-deadbeat-dads/article_01bf6d09-9eb9-5984-b7d4-eaf5081e73e0.html
Hi Aaron
You write :
✺”It’s much easier and more rewarding to navigate this socially acceptable lifestyle than it is to navigate all the inconsistent expectations of modern fatherhood.✺
Then why don’t men use condoms or get a vasectomy if they do not want to be fathers ?
European women’s birthrate today is lower than American women’s. I wonder why.
Are the heigh percentage of single female parents households in America a result of men refusing to be take on the responsibilty as fathers? Obviously they do not opt out of being biological fathers.
Except IBEN: men don’t create children, men create zygotes, women create children.
Men have zero rights in North Americia when it comes be being OR not being a father, not even the right to say “NO”.
Well, except that you do have the right to say “No” to sex… Sure, that right can be and is violated too, but that’s not the story behind the majority of unplanned pregnancies…
It goes for men and women. Don’t wan’t to be a parent? Then don’t screw. That’s the *only* *foolproof* solution. Relying on contraception of any kind, short of sterilization, still carries a risk.
I’m no prude, I’m very pro-sex, but one must never blind oneself to the potential consequences or view oneself as invincible.
@KKZ: Actually a man does not have the right ot say “NO” when it comes to sex as it relates to being or not being a father.
“Don’t Screw” is not a foolproof solution to not wanting to be a parent for MEN, it is for women but not for men and that was my point. I wonder how many people don’t realize that men have zero rights when it comes to being a parent or not being a parent. I don’t think you realize it KKZ, I really don’t.
Hi John I am not sure what kind of rights you want. Imagine your girlfriend gets pregnant. Do you then want her to give birth, hand the baby over to you and pay you child support ? Are men ready for that . I am sure some women would love the deal if the man was a perfect father. Or do you want the right to force her to give birth and then take care of the child as a single mother ? Or is all you want a right to force her to take an abortion or adopt away… Read more »
@Iben… Hello Iben.. You wrote, “Then why don’t men use condoms or get a vasectomy if they do not want to be fathers ? European women’s birthrate today is lower than American women’s. I wonder why.” First, many of these men DO want to be fathers. They usually stay around. However, many are indifferent and are with women who are pressuring them to have a child. Why? Because a lot of women want children by tall, good looking, and successful men. Even if he does not stick around, which is a 50/50 proposition, at least they can get generous financial… Read more »
European women’s birthrate today is lower than American women’s. I wonder why.
I would guess that, on average, contraceptives and abortion are more easily available in most European countries than in U.S:
Luckily for our family, we have a great babysitter/housekeeper and family members nearby who full in the blind spots…my husband can see that the porch needs staining and that the side of the house needs washing, but he can’t realize the struggles his son has with catching up with academic work or how exhausted I am in juggling several roles ( if I don’t eat or sleep then everything just might get done!)….I guess we did ok with him opting in and out of stuff— but now that my son is older he notices whether his father is involved or… Read more »
Mr Anderson, your last sentence, ” I look forward to a day where fathers are looked up to again as the strong, competent and capable people that we are.” implies that it is an “image problem”. We are all actually strong, competent and capable”, but the society is not giving us due credit. I’m afraid that society is giving us the image that we deserve. With “nearly 1/3 of all homes in the U.S. are fatherless and over half of the children born in 2011 were born to unwed mothers”, we are NOT doing the job, no way close. We… Read more »
The problem is Randy that a large number of those men are aren’t ‘doing the job’ as you put aren’t allowed to do it, this is taken away by a winner takes all type of family court system.
I believe a lot of men ARE doing good jobs. The problem is that it’s not portrayed that way in the media and they focus instead on the men who aren’t doing their jobs. The men who are doing good jobs need to be the ones being portrayed so that other fathers have examples of how to be a good dad. If that would happen I think the tides would change and fathers would begin garnering more respect AND know what their roles are in the family.
Best comment on this piece…. *claps* anyone who justifies the stats with bad divorce laws is kidding themselves… divorce laws happen AFTER failure!!!!
I think generally the commitment to fatherhood is better with our generation than previous generations. I did not have a relationship with my father. It was very common for men to leave child rearing to the mother; men were not even present at births forty years ago and that was normal. You talk of a third of households being fatherless, but you can’t assume that is down to the father; divorces are more common not because marriages are worse but because divorces are easier, and they’re not always initiated by the man. When people cite divorce as a sign of… Read more »
” With “nearly 1/3 of all homes in the U.S. are fatherless and over half of the children born in 2011 were born to unwed mothers”, we are NOT doing the job, no way close. We as a class of men known as “fathers”, have let our families down, we have not been faithful to our wives and children, and until we change that, we will never be looked up to again, and don’t deserve to. It starts with each one of us to provide the leadership and commitment to the home and family. ” Nope Randy, the majority of… Read more »
Aaron, I like what you wrote and glad you did but have to say that the words have been said countless times in the past. I would also like to add that society had also glorified single motherhood. Single moms with careers doing it all … how great is that!! We’ve also evolved into a generation of men who have been raised by single moms that have no clue or interest in knowing how their life could have been positively influenced by having an active dad in their lives. They had good lives without dads so why would there be… Read more »
hmmm, my response to that would be that men DO add value to families. Women are capable and strong and competent and can raise a family on their own if they have to. But dads do add value into a family that cannot be filled by moms. There are such unique differences between the sexes that moms just cant fulfill many of the roles that dads do. It’s unfortunate that people don’t see it this way.
Aaron Anderson: There are such unique differences between the sexes that moms just cant fulfill many of the roles that dads do. It’s unfortunate that people don’t see it this way. — This is precisely the argument that has been used by Christian conservatives to oppose same sex couples marrying, and also adopting. It is a particular sort of gender essentialism that is NOT helpful in advancing the dialogue, either for LGTB rights, or respect for parents of either gender, whether raising children alone, in a couple, or in a more tribal setting (“It takes a village…etc”). I’m not a… Read more »
Paul, my friend, I stand firm in my response. Are you suggesting that there are no differences between men and women? Because if so, anatomy, biology and most people would all disagree with you. The fact is that there are real differences between the genders. As a marriage counselor I see it every single day. Because of these unique differences each gender has unique contributions. Women have certain positive contributions that men can’t replace. And men have certain positive contributions that women can’t replace. And fathers, as a matter of fact, positively contribute to their children’s lives in unique ways.… Read more »
Let’s be clear that we are on the same side of the “Dads are as important as Moms” discussion. But you are opening up a Pandora’s Box when you make an appeal to gender essentialism. A household where kids are raised by two moms,or two dads, can provide them with everything good that they can get in a hetero-normative household. Science and research have shown that those who say otherwise (mostly religious conservatives) are speaking out of prejudice, rather than relying on observation and data. It’s not that there are no differences between men and women. It’s that the differences… Read more »
Wow, Paul. You’ve significantly diverted. The conversation about LGBTQ equality and M/M v. F/F households (as well as tropes, memes, nostrums, abrahamic heteronormative ideas, etc) are well outside of the scope of this article and its comments. Please come back to the topic at hand.
No, it’s not outside the scope of the article at all – because the essence of your argument is that BY VIRTUE OF BEING MALE, fathers provide some psychological benefit that children cannot otherwise from a family with no male parental figure. The inescapable conclusion – if we accept your premise – is that children in non-heteronormative families will be deprived of some essential psychological/spiritual vitamins, leading to some psycho-spiritual version of scurvy or rickets from a lack of vitamin T. I say that premise is wrong – and has been proven wrong – by good, solid science. You know,… Read more »
Great article Aaron. With a father that was moved out by the time I was 10, I wondered what part a father played until I looked around at all of the other role models I had in my life. Church leaders, Boy Scout leaders, my step-father, and then my father-in-law. It was there for me to find, my three brothers and I have broke the mold. We’re all trying to be more involved and “opt-in”. I’ve got the bruises of a bedtime routine for all 3 of mine as of this evenings comment so that my wife could attend a… Read more »
Way to go Jason! Way to be setting the bar. I’m glad you’ve found good role models through boy scouts, church leaders, step-fathers, etc. These are great places that a lot of boys and men can look to for good role models. I just wish the media would catch on to this.