Igael Gurin- Malous thought he was ready for anything. And then his 11-year-old daughter came home with some news.
I consider myself to be an educated, open-minded, level-headed man. I went to school. I have a job. I have children. I have a strong connection with my family and friends; all and all I deal with life in stride. So it is not very often that I find myself crying uncontrollably while needing to complete a simple, concrete task, and quite lost as to what to do. And, yet, that was me last month in an aisle, at the supermarket, on the phone, emotional, praying for all of it to go away.
You see, I have a daughter, and while I can talk about her amazing spirit and her boundless energy, this is about what happens when my 11 year old daughter walks in after a play date on a Saturday night telling me, in a very calm voice: “Daddy, do you remember that you told me that one day I will bleed from my private parts? Well… I’m bleeding….” Cue in the traumatic “I am not prepared for this at all” music.
Heart about to explode, fighting back tears of enormous emotions, I just said, “Oh sweetheart, that’s great! Are you sure?” Yup, she was sure and she was fine; it was me who was a mess!
What is a gay man who has no experience with this in any way, shape or form to do?
I know the biological facts (we even learned them in school, I think) and I understand how this works, but it was suddenly clear that I had no idea what to do.
For sure, some of these girl/woman growing up issues I have been learning and dealing with as I go along. When she needed her first bra, I went to the only bra and underwear shop I know… turns out, La Perla does not make them, but that was a whole other experience.
Yes, we have plenty of women friends who have offered to help with these feminine issues (my Mother lives in Europe – tough – and I have no sisters) but for some reason none of them came to mind at that moment.
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It was when I went to the store to buy what I thought I needed that I was really overwhelmed! I said to myself, Ok. she needs tampons, so I will just go and get some. When I asked the sales clerk where would I find tampons for an 11 year old I got a shock-and-horror look and a disapproving nod followed by, “Sir, is this her first period? You need pads, not a tampon.”
Pads it is then. I kind of knew what they were but in truth, not really. “Point me to the pads, please, ” I said it as if it’s all clear now. She leads me there. And I was confronted by what seemed to be 50,000 sorts and brands.
OMG.
What is a pad really? How many do I need? Does one change them every hour? Every day? Why does it not say anything on the box? Do I want a foam core one? What size do I need?
With wings? Without wings? What on earth are pad wings??? Do they all have to be pink? Why can’t they be just white or grey without swirly designs, strawberries or butterflies? (My daughter is a tom-boy and would not approve of anything pink or girly.) Do I want scented pads? Oh and there are liners too…what is the difference?!!!
I stood there, not knowing what to do, so I did what any self-respecting liberal, middle class man would do.
I bought one of each! Yup. She would have all of them and she could choose!
I come home, bringing up all my loot to her bathroom feeling slightly better. I used money and cunning to solve a problem, so I feel accomplished. But then she looks at me and says “Which one daddy?”
As a parent, there are moments that you have to hide your emotion in order for your child to feel safe and to show that you are in control and know what you are doing. This was certainly one of them, but in my head I was screaming “How on god’s green b*((%! earth do i know????” So I suggest we try some…
Did you know that the bottom part of a pad is super sticky????? Well I didn’t.
First, I put it in wrong because I just assume it sits in the underwear. No, it sticks to the underwear. Then I put it too high in the underwear. No, it needs to be lower to actually be effective. Then I realize size matters (yes, I know…). Some are too big and some are too small. Some are not comfortable to her. Some are not the right fit. (Would a diaper work, I ask myself? Not helpful, I know, but I might still have some from a massive Costco buy many years ago). All the while I’m trying to seem like I know what I am doing and recognizing that she will have to do this again and I need teach her how to do this herself…
Lastly, Dads, did you know that it is beyond important to not flush them down the toilet? If you believe all the warning labels on the boxes, it seems the universe will cease to exist if you flush them.
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Parenting teaches new things. I now know about pads, tampons, girls, periods and sanitary aisles. Words that make some men shiver are now part of my routine chatter with my daughter. It’s comical, I know, and it’s no news that parenting is not for the faint-hearted, but this one threw me for a loop. My little girl is not so little anymore. Struggling with my emotions, I get a flashback of her falling asleep easily in my arms while walking in an amusement park. It made it even more real for me that she is growing up. A few hundred years ago she could have been on her way to have her own baby just about now.
It’s comical, I know, and it’s no news that parenting is not for the faint-hearted, but this one threw me for a loop.
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I will never know what it means to be a woman, and quite frankly I never wanted to know. I have always loved being a man and all that it means, but today I needed to put myself in a woman’s shoes and try and figure it out. For my daughter, I needed to try and experience something that is one of the most woman-like experiences. I can relate to pain. I will be able to talk to her about romantic heartbreak, but this was different. I think I did ok. Maybe in a few years she will tell me how I did.
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A few hours later after I went down to the kitchen with a pad still sticking to my pants. My son, who is 12, was not quite sure what it was and why it was on me. I sat down to write to her teachers that this is going on.
And I thought how great it would be if there was a youtube channel for dads with daughters who have to venture alone into the wild wilderness of the sanitary aisle at the store…
—Photo Quinn Dombrowski/Flickr
I am not a spammer. I like the Good Men project. I make my husband read it every day!
My understanding was that the perfume in scented pads could cause health problems. I prefer the feel of organic cotton pads myself (they are washable and have hemp inserts for heavier flow) though these days I just use a silicone menstrual cup. I think it makes periods much simpler and since it can be used for many years it saves money and doesn’t produce all that garbage.
I can’t say how helpful this might have been for you, but I know it exists…and it might be a good resource:
https://helloflo.com/products/starterkit
Congrats to you and your daughter, by the way. Not because of the period…because you’re learning, together.
Well done. That’s a pretty difficult thing for fathers to get involved with and you dived right in. Most of the time it’s the fear of it that disables people but that’s what makes it so essential to do it anyway
Iggy – thanks for sharing this. Emily and I miss you, though it is some comfort to know that you’d have left us in the Bay Area even if we hadn’t left you for Israel. Maya is 9, and I do have Emily here, but I do, now, feel just a bit more prepared than I did 5 minutes ago.
Sadly we make a bigger thing out of it, then it needs to be…….and then we get some kids traumatized. As in everything else….throw out the outliers the huge and the tiny…..go with a selection middle of the road along with one larger and smaller……then let her choose. Better to spend your and her energy on acknowledging the developmental stage this represents and looking at the positives she’ll enjoy.
Rarely does one come across a true life experience that is both touching and funny. Well done Igael for coping with it. I hope your little girl is well. Don’t forget the painkillers. There are special ones for period pains.