In case you think I am dissing the jolly old elf, or being in bah humbug mode, don’t get your tinsel in a tangle. I love Santa. I am Santa and perhaps you are too. The red and white decked out white-bearded symbol of love and generosity was a presence in my cultural ethos even if he wasn’t part of a holiday that my family celebrated in our Jewish home. We did see him at department stores and sat on his lap. When he would ask what we wanted for Christmas, we (my sister and I) would tell him we celebrated Hanukkah, which contrary to the misbeliefs of some, is not ‘the Jewish Christmas‘. He quickly shifted gears and asked about our desires for gifts for our holiday.
In an effort to assimilate and not feel left out, we would celebrate with Christian friends; often staying over at the home of my mom’s BFF a.k.a. Aunt Miriam, enjoy Christmas Eve dinner and wake up to their glowing, tinsel bedecked tree with Uncle Dave’s model train running around it. At the time, I couldn’t understand how Santa knew to leave gifts for two little Jewish girls. Still even more puzzling was that we would load gifts on our Flexible Flyer sled and deliver the colorfully wrapped packages to our neighbors. How do you differentiate between Santa gifts and people gifts? At what point do you tell children that Santa is symbolic, despite stories, legends, books, movies and television shows that say otherwise? And this whole thing about ‘naughty and nice,‘ using Santa as a threat for behavioral control, never sat well with me. What if kiddos exhibit impeccable behavior and the family can’t afford what the child asks for? What if a child’s behavior is multi-causal and not on an either/or binary? It sets up the pressure to purchase and get overwhelmed with debt. It contributes to a child getting the idea that they are broken.
Some children love their visits to Santa and some clearly don’t. Why do people make their kids sit on Santa’s lap when they absolutely don’t want to, as evidenced by their tears and frightened looks? I’m sure the parents have every loving intention when they do this, but I don’t see anything cute about it. What message does it convey to the kiddo?
It is part of consent education. My take is that it tells them that their body is not their own and they should just let this man who they have never met, gather them onto his lap, even with the most benign intentions. One mother of a young girl says that her daughter enjoys her visits but stands next to him comfortably. I do feel sorry for Santa too, who may feel like a big meanie when what he wants is to welcome children and be part of the wonder and magic of the season. I would encourage parents to test it out and if the child cries, to comfort them instead of minimizing their feelings as over-reacting. I have seen it and have cringed each time.
Some social media responses to my question:
- “It says that adults control your body.”
- “I don’t find anything amusing about it either.”
- “Your body and your emotions…you’re silly for being afraid. You shouldn’t feel that way.”
- “It’s been a hot button issue for a long time.”
- “I wasn’t in a place in my life to question that aspect of my internal programming. We all do heinous things to our kids without realizing the ramification.”
- “SUCH a great point!!”
- “What are children really getting from this experience? What/ who does Santa truly represent?”
- “So much for stranger danger!”
- “My kid runs to Santa & doesn’t choose to sit on his lap ..but alongside.”
- “It is very cute to parents who know their child is completely safe and how this shifts so quickly the next year. No need to judge.”
Let’s instill a sense of trust and safety for our children and the choice of how they see Santa…and yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
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Have you read the original anthology that was the catalyst for The Good Men Project? Buy here: The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood
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Talk to you soon.
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