Justin Jordan isn’t a fan of shotgun jokes when it comes to dads and their daughters who are dating. Here’s why.
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It’s a funny saying, supposedly. A half-ass poke of fun towards your daughter’s date. We’ve all heard it, maybe even uttered it. Let me give you one piece of advice: Please get the thought out of your mind, and quickly.
You may be asking yourself why I’m taking it so seriously. It’s a legit question. The reason? Your daughter may be taking it seriously as well. By saying, “I’ll have the shotgun handy”, when her date arrives insinuates you don’t trust her judgement. As if you’d literally have to scare an eager, excited young man away from her. Is her judgement in people, that bad? Probably not.
I’ve made the mistake. Recently even. Quite a few times, I’ve noticed my own 15 year old daughter’s nervous, awkward-looking expression after I’d jokingly (and wrongfully) made a comment about her prospective, inevitable dating. I don’t want my daughter’s conversation with the boy who’s about to come to my home be, “My dad is probably going to sternly grill you about every aspect of your life and may or may not have his gun on the coffee table.”
I want my daughter to tell her soon-to-be-date, “My dad is a great guy and I can’t wait for you to meet him.”
No more D.A.D.D. (Dads Against Daughters Dating) She is going to date. She is going to fall in love. Hopefully, she’ll do it with the “right” person. If she doesn’t, I’ll be there to pick up the pieces.
I’m not going to be the one to shatter a date before it even begins by making my daughter feel as if I don’t trust her judgement in people. I’ll do my part to protect her along the dating path, and I’ll trust in the values and morals I’ve tried to instill in her for years.
I was that dad who made the silly gun jokes. Don’t make that mistake. Don’t be that dad.
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Photo by bigstockphoto.com
@ G
I’ve been in situations before where guys have warned me about their sisters, cousins, etc. I was never intimidated, but I always let it slide because I was interested in dating his relative. Once, a guy told me he was a boxer. I told him that was interesting. His expression changed pretty quick when I invited him to drop by the dojamg if he ever wanted to see some kick boxing.
I’m right there with you, Justin. Thank you for writing this. I’m so sick and tired of insecure men pretending that a young man has to impress them to interact with their daughter. The time for questioning your daughter’s dating wisdom has passed long before the boy arrives on your doorstep.
Dear Steven:
If society would spend as much time helping boys and men become more secure, we would not have a big problem. The problem would still exists but it would not be so huge.
Thank you for writing this. There’s a special sort of frustration I have for the ‘shotgun’ jokes. As a young woman, I wasn’t subjected to them because my parents were divorced and my mother was the one meeting my dates. Consequently, when I had questions or problems, or when a boy hurt my feelings or pressed me further than I was comfortable about, I was left with the feeling that I could go and talk to my mother about it. I wasn’t worrying that saying “Hey, so (name) got a little pushy and I had to tell him ‘no’ pretty… Read more »
There might be a vestige of something else also, the idea that women are somehow damaged by sex even consensual sex so in order to keep his daughter “whole”, a father most ensure that she doesn’t have sex.
I suppose in a way, Erin, I was subconsciously trying to dispute the argument i assumed was coming. But alas, a stereotypical phrase either way.
Ah you caught another bad habit of mine. Goodcalland thank you,Erin
Dear Mr. Jordan: How about writing an article about parents grilling the girl who is dating their son? I believe that girls should be expose to the same kid of questioning that boys get since girls can be very cruel and abusive to their boyfriends and dates. If parents are so worried about their kids getting hurt, then they should not have kids in the first place. Just remember that none of us had asks to be brought into this world. I also hate it when fathers worried about their daughters, when you look at a lot of fathers who… Read more »
” a lot of fathers who were sowing their own oats, and now the shoe is on the another foot. What hypocrisy !!!”
Exactly!!! Let the man who went to his wedding bed a virgin load the first shotgun shell.
Thank you for your commentand insight, Lee. As I’ve spoken before, for me and our situation,trust in my daughter is crucial. I just disagree with the message that implies in any way, I don’t trust her judgements. I can understand how some see it is a”silly joke”, but it insinuates much more than that,IMO.
It’s not an issue of trusting your daughter’s judgement. It’s a distrust of her date’s intentions.
Very true, her date’s intentions are also on the table. But I’d hope I’ve instilled some things in my daughter that would cause her to “choose” a boy with good intentions. And yes, boys will be boys, but even after the fact,I’d hope she’d be smart enough to make the right choices along her dating path. Thank you, John, for your insight!
Justin, if you’re ditching the shotgun jokes could you ditch the “boys will be boys” trope too? That phrase always makes me cringe.
Justin, I appreciate this article, but as Erin said, STOP with “boys will be boys” as it gives tacit approval to doing inappropriate things “because they are boys.” No. My wrath for my own boys if they hurt or do something unwanted to a girl is the same as I’d feel to a boy who did something to my daughter. It is *not* ok to accept improper behavior because of gender.
Glad you wrote this. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out what unsettled me about the “DADD” or “Dad with a Gun” thing. But it hit me with the “trust her judgment” line. My wife and I raise her to be independent and make her decisions in other areas of her life. Why should dating be the exclusion?
Besides, I’ve been teaching her about firearms. If she needs a firearm, SHE can brandish it.
Well said.
The importance of open lines of communication between dads and their daughters cannot be understated.
Thanks, Drew! I appreciate the kind words. And YES, it’s a language that can’t be understood.
You and I differ in one sure way; my daughter wasn’t able to “date” until she was 16. One of my favorite songs is “Cleaning This Gun (Come On In Boy)” song by RODNEY ATKINS. It tells it all and most importantly how important his little girl is to her parents. Yeah, I trusted my daughter’s choice(s) but the reality is that at that age, it’s my responsibility to look out for her and protect her. You’d mentioned “grilling” the guy. My intention was to grill the guy that was taking her out on her first date but when I… Read more »
Thank you for your comment, Tom. I agree 100%, it IS our job to protect our daughters, especially when sending them out without supervision. I love the story you told the young man about your daughter and her meaning. It seems like a GREAT way to interact with a potential suitor for a daughter. I guess there is a fine line between protecting and trusting, especially for Dads. Given my own daughters “vulnerability”, (I’ve written another blog post on her, more specifically) it’s almost necessary I show her my trust, my confidence in her judgements. But trust me when I… Read more »
What if your daughter’s date is a girl? Do u still want to “protect” her then?
I’m sorry Tom but the “wrath” you would have against your wife if your daughter got injured in an accident is a little troublesome. Sure, when you have kids, you take safety measures. But your comments sounded really belittling to your wife – like you felt it was you and your daughter vs her. My parents use to strap me and my brother into their 1968 Mercedes convertible and all it had was a kind-of bucket seat in the back with on seat belt that just kind of strapped across the bucket seat without touching you or really keeping you… Read more »