Guys, have you ever wondered why the women you like don’t respond to your online dating messages? Or why they don’t want to go on a first or second date with you? It probably has nothing to do with how handsome you are, how much money you make, or whether you attended an Ivy League college.
I’ve learned a thing or two about how we sabotage ourselves without even realizing it.
In my seven years as a dating coach and as a woman dating after divorce, I have been observing men and women’s dating and relationship behaviors. I’ve learned a thing or two about how we sabotage ourselves without even realizing it. I would love to see more people have dating success.
With that in mind, I’d like to offer the men some insight into what you might be doing that’s unknowingly turning women off. Knowledge is power!
The #1 Mistake Men Make That Kills Their Success With Women
I believe that the biggest mistake men make that kills their success with women is to push for sex too soon. And I mean in overt AND covert ways.
If you’re dating online, how many times have you sent a first message that goes something like this: “Hey, sexy”? Did you think women would be flattered? Sorry, but most women find the ‘hey, sexy’ type of first message to be annoying and presumptuous. Also objectifying.
The way to a woman’s heart is not through sex. It’s through connection to her heart. She needs to feel seen by you, cared for as a whole person, not just someone you’re attracted to.
The way to a woman’s heart is not through sex.
If you want to date a woman who values herself, you’ll want to lead with kindness and connection. This woman will not want to jump into bed with you because you told her that you find her sexy. You haven’t yet reached her heart.
How do you connect with her heart? If you’re dating online, find something in her profile that resonates with you. Are you impressed that she runs marathons? Did the photo of her with her cute puppy make you smile? Tell her.
And if you’re on a date with her, look into her eyes (yes, her eyes), and listen to her—that’s sexy. Comment on the things she’s passionate about. Be kind. Trust me, the more you connect to her heart, the more she’ll be attracted to you.
A guy once messaged me to ask whether I was still sexually active—at my age. (I wrote about it here.) He claimed he needed to know, because he’d been disappointed before. He wanted to save himself from the agony of getting involved with a woman who might be bad in bed. Really??
Don’t get me wrong—sex is important in a relationship. It is the glue that keeps a relationship alive and exciting. I’m definitely not denying the importance of sex. I am saying that timing is everything, and asking about sex, talking about sex, or calling a woman sexy before you meet will not win points with the ladies. It will certainly not endear you to a woman who sees her worth as far more than a sex object.
So, please stop talking about sex, pushing for sex, and focusing on sex before you connect with a woman’s heart and build trust and safety. Believe me, if you build trust first, the sex will be worth the wait!
I’d love to hear from men and women: do you agree or disagree with my theory about bringing up sex too soon in dating? Please comment below.
Photo: Flickr/Mustafa Khayat
I have had some ups and downs when it comes to online dating, not stating that all my connections have ended horribly or that I have had experiences that would deter me. That is not the case; unfortunately in life everything has its perks and downfalls and you just have to roll with the punches. For instance, I was on the phone at houston.partyline.com with who I thought was this amazing man, he was smart, funny, sweet, adventurous – the whole nine yards, but it turns out that he lied about his age and was way too young for me,… Read more »
Friends as in friends with benefits? Otherwise I am not sure just what “perks” you are referring.
This is SO right on!!!!! When I was 62 I met a man who on our first date wanted to hug and hold hands. I barely knew him but gave him the benefit of the doubt. It did not go well from there. I wanted a heart connection and I wanted to know if our life paths were going in the same direction before taking that step that bonds me to a man. He insisted that we had to get to know each other physically at the same time we were getting to know each other emotionally. I finally recognized… Read more »
Hi Sandy! You hit the nail on the head!! I am 50 and have been on a dating website now for a week and approximately 75% of the emails I receive are directed toward the way I look and how beautiful I am and how they would enjoy meeting me. I never answer those messages because if that is all a man sees from my entire written profile and cannot find some common ground to talk to me about, this is not the type of relationship I am interested in. I want depth and conversation to see who he is… Read more »
Glad to hear you are discerning. Online dating is a sift and sort process, and if you stick with it, intelligent, kind, classier men will email you (or you’ll email them first). Good luck!
Hello Sandy, I really liked your article… I have been on line dating for a few months and recently met a woman whom I have been out with 3 times and very attracted to… I havent pushed for sex because I believe it will happen naturally and when the time is right…She has commented that she likes that I am gentlemen She has been very responsive and we now talk every day and laugh and enjoy each others company as we get to know each other… We have talked about the romantic side …She has shared some of her past… Read more »
Christian, thanks for sharing your story about the woman you’re dating. Sounds like you’re a kind and sensitive man of integrity, and that you value the quality of a relationship more than instant gratification. I love it!
She’s a lucky woman. If and when sex happens, there will be safety and trust, and the sex will be so much better. Good luck!
More ridiculous male basing.
What was bashing towards men? I’d like to underatand more about your perspective?
My intention is never to bash, but to inform and support. If someone told me that I was doing something in dating that was counterproductive, I’d be grateful. And I’d change that behavior.