What makes a man attractive? James Michael Sama complies a list of the top 10 hottest things a guy can do.
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In a society flooded with articles, social media updates, dating advice magazines, and hardly ever enough mental down-time to slow down and reset — we are left overloaded on information about “what to do,” but hardly enough insight on who to be.
Especially as men, all of the “advice” out there is how to talk to women, how to approach them, how to treat them – and you will find many of those articles on this website, as well. But regardless of what you do or what you say, the thing that will speak the loudest for the longest is who you are.
So when our goal is to become a man who women want to be around without persuasion, how do we approach it?
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A desirable man is well-spoken.
One of the qualities I have worked the hardest to develop in myself is the ability to speak effectively. To be able to convey emotions, intentions, thoughts and ideas clearly and concisely will provide infinite benefits to your life.
Not only will you be less likely to be misunderstood, but people will actually enjoy conversing with you. Additionally, in matters of dating and relationships, there are few things more helpful than an extensive vocabulary. If you don’t think women respond positively to how things are worded, then you’ve never heard of “50 Shades Of Grey.”
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A desirable man pays attention.
Perhaps even more important than how well you speak, is how well you listen. Many men carry the misconception that listening is a passive action and requires no effort. You just sit there while the other person talks.
What women understand, is that listening is more active than we realize. It requires effort to actually absorb what is being said, remember it, and then discuss it later. Whether we are speaking of personal or professional relationships, developing your ability to effectively listen will make you more desirable to be around.
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A desirable man has goals and ambitions.
Mature women understand that they should never plan a future with a man who has no future plans for himself. A man who knows what he wants out of life and has the ambition to go after it, will forever be more attractive than he who is passively content in mediocrity.
Never allow yourself to be average — it’s just as close to the bottom as it is to the top.
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A desirable man is kind towards everyone.
Often times when we discuss chivalry and romance, it is understood that we are speaking of men acting a certain way towards women. While this is inherent in the definition, it is to be noted that how a man treats everyone else around him holds equal importance.
No woman will want to be with a man who is kind to her when the circumstances call for it, but is rude or mean to others around him, people who he meets in public, and certainly not to children or animals.
A desirable man will be kind to others because of who he is, not because of who they are.
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A desirable man has compassion.
To have compassion is to be able to tie your emotions to those of others. To feel sorrow when they do. To lend them your strength to overcome pain. To connect yourself to another human being on a deeper level.
The willingness and ability to open yourself to this is a quality of a desirable man because it shows you will provide comfort in difficult times, which we all face. A relationship is not always sunshine and rainbows. The road of life is a windy one, and a woman needs to be confident that you can navigate it.
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A desirable man is comfortable in multiple roles.
By “roles” in this context, I mean being a driver and a passenger in a relationship. A man who is secure in himself will have no problem sharing the spotlight or authority with the woman in his life. In fact, he will welcome her insight and the value she brings to each unique scenario.
He will not always have to be in charge or make every decision.
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A desirable man has a strong identity.
This is a man who knows who he is and what he stands for. His opinions and viewpoints, while flexible, do not blow with the winds. If he has a strong opinion about what is right, he will defend it regardless of whether or not he is standing alone.
His “brand,” so to speak, is well defined and it is one he has decided for himself and consistently works to improve.
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A desirable man is flexible and open-minded.
No, this does not contradict the previous point. No man should be so steadfast in his feelings that he is closed off to them ever changing. The world progresses, society evolves, and new information is discovered and presented.
Nobody wants to be in an analog relationship during a digital age. It is especially important in a relationship that both partners grow and progress together. A man who is unable to do this will remain stagnant and be left behind by an ambitious woman.
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A desirable man presents himself well.
Yes, looks matter. But because everyone has different tastes and styles, fitting into a “fashion box” is not important — what’s important is being good at whatever it is you decide to do. Portraying a positive image, remaining well-groomed, and consistent with your personality.
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A desirable man is comfortable in all situations.
Women understand that relationships take us all places in life. They bring us around all different scenarios, types of people, and locations. It takes a toll on a relationship if there is constant worry about your significant others’ ability to navigate these situations and be a chameleon.
A desirable man will hone and develop his conversational abilities and stay well-read on world events, popular culture, and other topics that will give him the varied knowledge to be let loose at his girlfriend’s company’s holiday party and not flop around like a fish out of water.
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As a man, is it easy to develop all of these characteristics? No, of course not. Am I saying that I, myself, have perfected them all? Definitely not. But, I believe the important part is to understand how vital they are to becoming a man who will attract the woman that he wants to be with.
In the long run, it will not be what you say to her or what you do for her that will make her love you. It will be the man you have worked to become.
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Follow James Michael Sama on Twitter here. Join the discussion on Facebook here.
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This article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog.
Photo by Andrei Damian on Unsplash
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Thanks for sharing – I hear you offering several things that you believe are desired from a man in a romantic relationship.
Now that i have this info regarding your yearnings – are you busy Saturday night? Perhaps we can go out and I can practicing seeing if you find me desirable if I do all these things.
A responsible personality is a man of desire.
A Dedirable man is no one. ?
A desirable man is a hot body, a fancy car, and some money. See how writing about desirable men can be easy?
Of only I had a website to publish 300 article on them…
I try to be all of the qualities listed in the article but find that woman have been burned much too hard by the men they have loved. Kinda sucks a lot. Be the right person in the wrong situation. LOL
How does this work for gay guys? Not all guys are extroverts.
I think it’s hilarious that all of these people are getting mad at James Michael Sama for trying to help them. Well written article, also I very much appreciate your blog, which I find to be more in line with my values than some of the content that GMP promotes. I’d say that I possess seven of the ten qualities you wrote about, though if I’m being honest, three of them I didn’t cultivate until recently, in the last three years or so (comfortable in multiple roles, compassion, goals and ambitions). I’m still working on presenting myself well since I… Read more »
James you could have saved us a lot of time and said a desirable man is a cliche…. any other generic useless info you got?
Guess I’m screwed.
C’mon, Dude….”kindness”? “compassion”? Really? How many women totally disregard a guys complete acceptance of animal-cruelty if it serves to gratify his whims? The guy isn’t the one actually taking the blowtorch to the animals, but the ease with which he can avoid taking part in supporting the cruelty exposes him as callous, lazy or indifferent.
Guys can no longer claim they’re ignorant of the horrors being inflicted on animals in our agricultural system. The web is rife with the images recorded by undercover investigators. It’s not food; it’s VIOLENCE.
Honestly, I am a very lucky woman because all of th items on this list I find desirable and my husband embodies them. True 🙂
I was suprised by the comments. I thought this was an obvious list of desirable traits.
I want to say is Thank You.
This article like many others has brought me closer to being a good man. I do believe it is very possible to be better person.
If you don’t think women respond positively to how things are worded, then you’ve never heard of “50 Shades Of Grey.”
James, I will agree with the above statement. Not so sure about the rest.
No person is comfortable in all situations, what kind of rubbish is that!?
This article describes a man’s idea of what women will consider to be a good man, and furthermore, it’s in abstract, theoretical terms. It is just not relevant.
James I’m with you. I have not mastered those 10 either but I am much further along than I used to be. My wife has helped immensely. As long as we are here on this planet we should always be seeking to improve ourselves and our relationships. To improve our relationships we must improve ourselves.
No man or woman is perfect however we can continue to perfect those areas we need to work on.
You hit the nail on the head, even if you aren’t stating exactly why. Human’s are social creatures first and foremost, Haidt calls us “90% chimp and 10% bee”. One only needs to see how much better off men can be when they are partnered to see how beneficial it is to them. There are legitimate health benefits for men in long term partnerships. Not least of all because most men don’t have strong social networks, I myself have effectively no social network. If I died today, I doubt I’d have more than 3 people at the service. I would… Read more »
As an introverted, socially awkward – but married – male myself, Jay, can I ask why you’re on a site like this to begin with? You seem alternately proud of and troubled by your outsider status, and you don’t seem to think that anyone around you deserves any effort you could make to improve yourself. Why read anything on the Good Men Project at all when you don’t seem the least bit interested in becoming a good man? Believe me, I get what you’re talking about in terms of your locale, but outright admitting that you’re better than everyone else… Read more »
You’re not better than other people. ^ What he said ^
Yeah… Tom’s comment…
I’d have to write a whole new article to say everything I want to say. Maybe I will.
Well it seems opinion is divided here on what James has to say. Whilst it does seem like it is the perfect man list to some, I personally like and agree with what he says here, in essence anyway. I do understand though, that it is hard for some men to posses all of these qualities, but like Erin and Natalie said, essentially it’s about being a good person. So even just a smattering of them would be great, but the more the better from my perspective. Anyway, I liked the article, it was both well written and honest, so… Read more »
I am all of these things, 45, never married, and get a bad date about once a year. True, I live in a low population area, but the only time a woman has shown any interest in me, here or elsewhere, was when I had opulent displays of fortune or when she’d seen me fight (which was twice in 25 years, I prefer to avoid them).
I am surprised by how hostile some of the reader’s comments are on GMP. Is it because the audience is mostly men? Why do u read these articles if all you want to do is attack the writer? It takes courage to put yourself put there. And i can only suspect that writing an article good enough to get published must be a lot of work. But bashing someone’s work takes only a few minutes. When you can take the risks some of the writers here are taking, then you might think twice about disrespecting someone’s work. First requirement of… Read more »
I don’t think the hostility has anything to do with a mostely male audience. And while Tom’s response was hostile, and not very productive in communicating his point of view in way we could understanding or sympathize with, PursuitAce’s response wasn’t hostile at all and articulated very well his thoughts on the topic. And yes, it does take courage to put yourself out there in your writing, it’s a very well written article, and being published is an achievement. But this does not mean that people can’t disagree with your position. I think Jame’s list is a smart one. But… Read more »
Hi Erin,
You’re right, just because the writer put a lot of work into something doesn’t mean we have to agree. It is not what I am saying at all. My comment was more about the quality and the tone of the feedback. I think that people don’t know how to give feedback. With all due respect, I didn’t think that anything was wrong with Tom’s response to the lash out. He doesn’t badmouth celebrities, he just says he is not one. Thank you for commenting and adding to the conversation. It is an important one to have.
My problem with this article is that it’s too vague to be truly helpful. The reason I say this is, barring the last two, which i will get to in a minute, I feel I fulfill the other 8. Yet, other people, and not just women, but basically everyone, still avoids spending time with me if they can help it. The last two I have issues with for very specific reasons. It is extremely difficult to present yourself well when what is considered to be presentable male attire runs directly counter to your “Strong identity”, not to mention the fact… Read more »
I’m not arguing with the list but some of these qualities may not be desired by every woman the only thing you really need to be desirable is to understand what your significant other wants and that’s really it.
It made me laugh that there were actually men disagreeing with this article. By arguing with this, you are showing your weak-mindedness and insecurity. This is basically a blueprint on how to be a successful human being – not only with women but in every aspect of life. Listen when someone speaks to you, be compassionate, take care of yourself and roll with the punches that life throws at you. What is there to argue about?
That’s the problem I have with this. The continued focus on being successful with women is one of the linchpins of the patriarchy. It drives everything that’s bad which follows.
This is true, and its the same for women, with magazines like Cosmo telling women what men want. I think it’s a universal question – what can I do to be successful with the opposite sex? For once it was refreshing to see an article that basically says there is no hidden “secret.” Be a good person and you will attract good people. Of course, the flip side is also true – you don’t have to do any of these things and you will probably find someone, too. But that person probably won’t have any of these desirable traits either.… Read more »
I think we agree. Do it for the right reasons.
Completely agree. All of these traits are pretty much universally good traits. Not sure what disagreeing with this article is suggesting? Don’t have compassion? Don’t pay attention?
Natalie, I don’t disagree with the content of the article.
Hey James, ya wanna come down to the real world and give us information that we don’t know that’ll help people succeed? Sorry guy but I struggle with celebs wanting to “make a difference.” If you were living in a cold water flat is the seedy part of town, would you be doing this? Most of us have not been on covers of magazines, in movies, on TV etc. etc. etc.
You guys get way too much publicity as it is….
Hi Tom! Sorry, I’m not entirely sure what you are referring to – I am not a celebrity and I also am unclear on who “you guys” are. On the contrary, I do this TO make a difference. I have almost 300 articles on my website that I have written to, hopefully, help people live happier lives and have healthier relationships. This is my mission. The bottom line is that, with all due respect, you don’t know the life I live or the level of success I have or have not (yet) seen. I am sorry if you feel that… Read more »
Sounds a bit harsh Tom. Celebrities are people too. Some have it together and some don’t. Some are great to be around and some you couldn’t trust to drive across the road with. I think he has some good points in here. We can take what we like and leave the rest.