We’re like beautiful, multifaceted diamonds, OK? Beautiful diamonds that like to pee outside for no reason.
By Frank Kobola
1. We get emotional. We might not sit on the couch crying and watching Dear John, but we’ll go hit the gym extra hard if we’re upset (and then cry and watch Dear John).
2. When we tell you that you look pretty without makeup, we mean it. We don’t need a lecture on how you think you look. If we didn’t mean it, we wouldn’t offer it up.
3. Sometimes we fake our orgasms. We can count the number of times we’ve done it on one hand, and it’s rare that guys will pass on an orgasm, but sometimes it’s better than mumbling, “I have whisky dick,” and passing out.
4. And we take giving you yours as a point of pride. We’re not trying to put pressure on you to come, but we want to do our best to help you get there. It’s our duty. Think of it as the “holding the door open for you” of your vagina.
5. Peeing outside is just fun. It’s not gross or weird, it’s just easier, OK? Don’t judge us for being able to pee wherever we want. If you had a urine hose attached to your pelvis, you’d take advantage of it too.
6. Sometimes we act full of ourselves because we’re insecure. Sure, some guys might be egocentric douchebags or complete creepers, but a lot of guys trying to hit at you in a bar are really nervous and just trying not to come off like stammering idiots. Try and let us down gently.
7. We feel weird about our bodies sometimes. We have fears of going bald, gaining weight, or winding up with penis problems. It might not be hammered into our heads 24/7 by media, but guys can still get self-conscious about their looks. We’d never talk about it out loud, but it bothers us.
8. We’re not afraid of commitment. We might not be wired to act schmoopy all the time, but that doesn’t mean we’re not into you. Not everyone wants to hold hands while they rollerblade through the park or whatever passes for romantic in 2014. If guys didn’t want to get married, they wouldn’t spend years falling deeply in love with you and then propose.
9. We know we spend our alone time doing stupid stuff, but we like stupid stuff.Much like you enjoy getting margs and guac with your girlfriends, we just like blowing off steam playing video games or watching football all Sunday.
10. Just because we’re uncomfortable around your family, it doesn’t mean we hate them. Being around the dad of the woman you’re having sex with would put anyone on edge. Not looking forward to spending an entire day on point doesn’t mean we don’t like your family.
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