For any guy in a long-term relationship, Tor Constantino shares a list of things you can safely NOT expect to hear.
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Next month, my wife and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage to each other.
It hasn’t been easy—but it’s certainly been worth it.
It’s taken a lot of communication and compromise from both of us over the years to make this relationship work—recognizing the likes and dislikes of the other and not “pushing each other’s buttons.”
One hot button in particular that she loathes for me to push, is writing about her.
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9. You know, it’s such a beautiful fall day outside—why don’t you stay inside on the couch and watch football all day!
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8. Sweetie you are so handy around this house, it’s like living with Bob Villa and Ty Pennington rolled into one—only sexier!
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7. Thanks for leaving the toilet seat up in the middle of the night, that bidet experience was so refreshing—I really enjoyed the dip!
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6. Muffin, that novelty mounted jack-a-lope head you had in college would look great in the formal dining room!
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5. I really wish you had a constant, two-day growth of facial hair—you know, when it’s super prickly and all? It’s just like kissing a P40 grit sheet of sandpaper, which is the perfect skin exfoliator—I love the dermal abrasion of it all!
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4. It’s so adorable how you leave one swig of milk in the jug, forcing the kids to pour orange juice on their Cheerios—again. Too cute!
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3. Your melodious snoring is like cherubic lullabies that gently lead me into the most restful slumber each and every single night—thank you!
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2. I love, love, love the meadowy, lavender-esque fragrance that rushes from your mouth first thing each and every single morning. It doesn’t smell like a blend between a saturated litter box and dumpster fire at all—thank you!
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1. Honey bun, I’m fed up with the oppressive fashionista women’s footwear regime. In protest, I’m going to give away my 40+ pairs of foot coverings and never buy another pair again!
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Question: Any other suggestions of what not to expect to hear from your significant other?
(**Try to keep it G-Rated**)
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Other articles from Tor Constantino include:
Tim Gunn’s 5 Rules for a Fabulous Relationship
5 Reasons Why Guys Don’t Call Back
7 Keys to an Apology to Help Her Forgive You
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
“Darling, I just love and appreciate how you’ve turned me from a sex loving hottie into a resentful, cold, indifferent wife who you blame for not having sex with you 6 months into our marriage as if it’s all my fault. I am so sorry that I don’t want to be your disrespected doormat that exists to pick up your socks and wait patiently while you get up to scratch as an adult and as a man. Naturally I would still want to have sex with you because nothing is more attractive than a lazy, sexist slob who is boring… Read more »
You and Umm should hook up.
You know honey, you really should go golfing this Saturday with your buddies and then hang out at the clubhouse drinking till I need to come pick you up. I’m sure your daughter won’t mind you missing another one of her soccer matches.
Hah – well said Neal. I love the combo of being MIA from the family for four hours of golf PLUS missing a family function—ouch!
“Have fun at the strip club, honey. Enjoy giving our family’s money to a girl who will grind on your penis until you come in your pants.”
“I know you’re trying to help me get extra steps for my exercise regimen, so thank you for making me get up to get my own coffee in the morning instead of offering me a cup when you get yours.”
And before anyone else says it, yes, many of these could apply to wives as well.
Genius – why didn’t I think of that coffee one, thanks Marie! Your point is noted re: the applicability to both genders. I’m merely writing from a man’s perspective – but thanks for pointing it out!
I thought those were really insightful, amusing and useful to read. But, how about something from way out of left field: “Honey, I recognize it must be hard being the higher-libido partner in this relationship. It must be hard to want something so much while I appear mostly indifferent to it. I’m sorry for giving you the impression during the beginning of our relationship that I was an uninhibited, open-minded, kink-friendly sex kitten. And doubly so for abruptly changing gears 6 months after we tied the knot. I get why you’d feel tricked, trapped, and cheated out of a satisfying… Read more »
Hmmm is right. I am female, in a heterosexual relationship and in your shoes. It is painful, frustrating, alienating.