So … you’re in love with a child of divorce, are you?
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Loving a child of divorce comes with a few more complications, but I assure you: we’re worth it. As long as you keep these factors in mind – and recognize, every child of divorce is different so not all will apply – you will have a solid chance of having a fantastic, long-lasting relationship (and more relatives than you could ever hope for.)
1. We’re “eh” on the whole marriage thing. We really want to believe in the intitustion of marriage but we’re tentative of making the same mistake our parents did, which means we might put it off longer or have more hesitations around it in general. Personally, for me, I’d be just as content with a life partner, no marriage certificate necessary.
2. We really value stability. Because most of us were raised being shuttled between two homes every other week or spending weekends at the other parent’s house, it’s important for us to have one — I repeat one — safe space with all our stuff under one roof. That being said, in the case when we do have to jet off for a last-minute getaway, we are SO PREPARED because basically: that was our childhood.
4. We do holidays a little differently … so bear with us. We still split time (even as an adult!) between Mom and Dad which means that in addition to sharing time with YOUR family for holidays, we also need to make sure that we’re making time for both sets of parents on our side. We know, it’s super-annoying, we’v been doing it all our lives. The upside: Double presents.
5. We have a “favorite” parent. We love them both equally, of course, but yes, we like one more than the other and no, we probably won’t tell you until you get to know us really well (although, in some cases, it’s blatantly obvious.)
6. We’re afraid of getting divorced, too. Anytime one of those studies comes out that says that children of divorce are more likely to get divorced themselves, we panic for a second. Is divorce genetic? Pre-programmed somehow? GAH. Which confirms — #1 — if we never get married, we’ll never have to get divorced. Problem solved.
7. We may be either SUPER-monogamous or cheaters. Especially if our parent’s divorce was caused by cheating. If that’s the example that was set, we either do a 180 to ensure we don’t cause the same hurt by being the most commited partner in the history of commitment or we accept it as status-quo and follow in our parents’ dysfunctional cheating footsteps. Hope for the former!
8. We’re super attached to our siblings. Because they’re the only ones who really, truly understand what each other went through: all the pain and the hurt and the not-ideal living situation. Because of this, we’re tight as hell and always there for each other.
9. We’re still working through our issues. Yep, still. Only in later adult life, do kids of divorce really start to see the less-immediate effects that their parent’s separation caused them. (Unless you’ve been in therapy for years in which case, good for you.) For the rest of us, we only now make the connection between little habits/traits/opinions we have and hold – both good AND bad — and how our parents divorce directly impacted them.
10. You have two sets of parents to impress. I’m so sorry about that.
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This article originally appeared on Your Tango. For more like this from Your Tango, try:
She stated at the beginning, “Every child of divorce is different so not all will apply.”
Why write a list where every point begins with ‘we’ then?
I agree with Gwen,this article would have been more powerful if she’d written about her own experiences – ‘I’ not ‘we’. I’m so tired of seeing articles that are wholly opinion but presented like fact. For a start, I am a ‘child of divorce’ and I believe 100% in ’til death do us part’.’
I agree with what you had to say. I publicly answered all the questions in case someone read the article & wanted to see where I stood. For me here were my answers. 1) N 2) Y 3) Y 4) Y&N 5) Y 6) Y but it’s just a very strong fear. 7) Y super monogamous 8) N 9) Y 10) I guess. When it comes to holidays my dream is to have everyone under my roof and there be an absolutely no fighting rule in place. If you were to come into the home that I hopefully will share… Read more »
These weren’t all my experiences, but the ones that resonated were the need for one safe space and the dual holidays. That one was difficult at first, and it took a while to make it work: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/mine-and-my-husbands-christmas-is-completely-different-aia/
Regarding #7. We may be either SUPER-monogamous or cheaters: Isn’t that true about all the points? That you are either one way or the other about most things. Pretty much like, you know, the rest of us? Also, about #10. What if I don’t “impress” any kind of subset of your parental constellations, is that a dealbreaker for you? If that is the case, thank you very much for letting me know clearly in advance! Because you know, pretty much nothing says “unresolved issues” quite as much as handing your decisions over to someone with a, readily admittable, tainted judgement… Read more »
This article needs the word “I” replacing “children of divorce” and “we” at every turn. Personal essay masquerading as social science. Awful
Totally agree, Gwen. I can also pull sweeping generalizations out of thin air… can I be a writer too?
She stated at the beginning, “Every child of divorce is different so not all will apply.”
This isn’t my experience at all as a kid of parents that divorced. Sure it took time to understand the relationship model of a two people being together and it working, and the inconsistency created some fears of the unknown or not knowing what will happen next later in life. I avoided relationships and commitments way, way far more due to media programming and messages that basically want to tell everyone marriages and love do not work because that’s what hits the buttons in humans (lack of love, connectivity, etc.) and that is what sells advertising. Far worse was getting… Read more »
Andrea, I really hope you change your mind about that No. 1. If the only reason you want to get married is to have kids, then bah! Don’t bother — you’ll get divorced, most likely. But some of us marry for real love. I am alive because I was married — quite literally, alive, because I had a life partner who could legally take care of me during that “sickness and health” bit. If you love someone, would you want to know if he died? If he were critically injured, would you want to be there by his side, at… Read more »