I take reader questions on my blog. While most of them revolve around penis size (yes, you’re normal, and your penis is perfectly long enough), occasionally, I get a question that really resonates. This was one of those questions:
Can men help women in the confidence department, as in bedroom confidence? Or is that an area that a woman has to do herself?
This is such a great question. A perfect question, actually.
Because you can totally help your woman (or your partner of any gender) gain confidence in the bedroom. It can take some time, and you must be patient with them. Putting pressure on a woman, especially in areas of sexuality, often creates the opposite effect. Basically, she gets a case of performance anxiety, which can make her confidence sag even more.
So instead of simply telling her to be more confident, here’s what you can do, in and out of the bedroom, to help her feel like she’s the queen of the world.
1. Devote some time to her outside the bedroom.
Not just sitting in front of the television, zoned out, but actively engage with her. Talk to her about her day and actually listen. Ask her how lunch with her mom went. Where she’d go if she could go anywhere. Ask her about her dream job. Or even how the meeting went yesterday at work.
Conversate and spend some real quality time together. If you show her you like to hang outside of the bedroom, she’ll be more confident you want to hang out with her inside the bedroom as well.
2. Buy her lingerie.
Don’t just give it to her with an “I thought you’d like this.” Instead, leave a note that says something like, “I saw this and couldn’t stop thinking of how sexy you’d look in it. Can’t wait to see it on. And then take it off…” This lets her know you think the clothing is sexy, yet gives her something to cover up with, which can really help women be more comfortable with their lovers.
Opt for a size bigger, just in case. Lingerie tends to run small. It can be detrimental to her confidence when the thing you just told her you couldn’t wait to see her wear doesn’t fit. If you’re unsure what to purchase, talk to the clerk who works in the lingerie department of your local department store. Describe your lady’s body honestly, and they should be able to help you find a fit that’s flattering to her body type.
3. Talk positively about her body.
If you make jokes when you’re out to dinner about the baby weight she’s still carrying, she’s not going to believe you when you say she’s beautiful in the bedroom. Those unkind words ring in her head, not just the days after they were spoken, but sometimes for much, much longer.
So compliment her and compliment her often. But don’t just say that she looks nice. Compliment her on specific things, like “Your hair looks really cute like that” and “Your ass looks amazing in those jeans.”
4. Ask her to touch herself.
And when she does, sit back and admire her as her hands run across her body. Watch as she touches herself in the ways only she knows how (Pay attention! You may learn something about what brings her pleasure).
It’s sexy as fuck to watch our partners engage in self-love. And when a woman learns more about her own body, when she learns what makes her feel good and what gets her off, she has more confidence in the bedroom.
Plus, I think we can all agree that mutual masturbation can be fun as hell.
5. Engage in healthy activities together.
If your woman’s body image is suffering, suggest some healthy activities you can do together. It doesn’t have to be hitting the gym or signing up for a 5K (although those are both valid choices). It can be as simple as taking a walk around the block, a couples’ yoga class, or a natural-foods cooking class together. It doesn’t take long for those healthy choices to boost her confidence in and out of the bedroom.
6. Leave the lights on.
After gaining 100 pounds during back-to-back pregnancies, I felt anything but sexy in my skin. When my Hubby and I were intimate, before I touched him, I shut off the lights. Then one night he stilled my arm and said, “No. I want to see you.”
I melted right then and there.
And I felt more confident in my body, even with its endless flaws. Because he told me he wanted to see my body. See me. And that was enough.
7. Or light some candles.
When your lady suffers from a lack of confidence in the bedroom, turning the lights on may not work, either bringing her to a screeching halt or making her so self-aware that she can’t enjoy herself.
Instead, light some candles. The soft light of glow of candlelight is enough to allow you to see her body, but it’s also forgiving to extra pounds and blemishes. And can be just the right thing to make her feel comfortable.
8. Flirt. All. The. Time.
Let her know you’re thinking about her in naughty ways well before you head to the bedroom. Send her sexy texts (they don’t have to be explicit or XXX). Give her a little wink. Let her catch you admiring her body. She’ll remember that she’s wanted, which is always a boost to bedroom confidence.
Make sure to get physical, as well! Touch her and touch her often. By touching on and off all day, it keeps you familiar with one another’s bodies and produces the hormones that keep you bonded and connected.
9. Focus on pleasure, not climax.
Make a goal to touch each other for 30 minutes, but not get each other off. Instead, explore one another’s bodies and experience the pleasure you can gain when you’re not focused on the final outcome.
As your hands roam her body, speak words of praise. Tell her how soft her skin is. Tell her about the lusciousness of her breasts. How delicious her pussy tastes. How you can’t get enough of her.
10. Give her positive feedback.
Let her know what she’s doing right. If she’s riding you and she’s got the perfect rhythm. and it’s making you see fucking stars because it feels so damn good, let her know! Tell her, right in the moment, how great she makes you feel.
Don’t only give those words of praise in the heat of the moment. It is perfectly okay to whisper in her ear as she’s cooking breakfast how great the sex was the night before. Or if she tried something new and you were totally digging it, tell her! “Babe… That thing you did with my balls last night… I don’t know where you learned it, but thank you. It felt fantastic.”
Apply even a few of these ideas and watch as your partner blossoms into a strong and confident lover!
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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