Domestic abuse starts with an abusive, controlling boyfriend disguised as a protective lover.
For some people, it is really cool to have a protective partner. I am saying this as a heterosexual male who believes in providing protection for my partner. It is a valuable, often-seen-as-necessary masculine trait.
Any real man who is worth his salt would take a bullet for his lady.
Care is the prime motivation behind protection from a masculine point of view. I protect you not because you are weak but because I care about and cherish you. I believe it is in my nature to take care of you and view you as someone I serve, provide for, and protect.
Insecurity is the prime motivation behind controlling, abusive behaviors. Those insecurities range from fear of loss, obsession, or fear of being hurt.
If I control you, I am not doing that because I care about you.
I believe I have to protect myself because I am insecure. And I believe that by controlling you, I will protect myself.
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We will discuss a few examples of controlling behaviors that can escalate to domestic abuse. We will start by stating the obvious and then we will move to more subtle signs.
Those behaviors are not loving. They are not done to protect you. And they will escalate, sooner or later, to something uglier and ore extreme.
What can start as innocent, unintended, or even loving behavior can eventually escalate to domestic violence.
And the trick is that, in the beginning, they will try to convince you that those behaviors are love, care, and protection.
Before we start, make sure there is a pattern. The pattern you are looking for is most of these signs repeated regularly.
#1 Calling you/wanting to be with you 24/7
At first, this may sound romantic. But it is always a sign of insecurity and immaturity.
At best, it is a sign of codependency. At worst, it is a sign of control.
In our context, they always want to be with you, not to protect you, but to control you and ensure you make no “mistakes” or get caught red-handed when you do.
#2 Showing up unannounced
And no, I am not talking about sweet surprises.
The difference is that when someone shows up unannounced, it feels creepy rather than good.
#3 Demanding access to your social media accounts and messages
Such behaviors show that this person does not respect your boundaries.
And if they cannot trust you unless they are monitoring you, is this the type of relationship/partner you want?
#4 Giving you orders instead of discussing things with you
In their mind, they own you. So, they will give you orders like what to do, when not to go out, who to be with, and how to live your life.
There is a difference between giving orders and discussing things in the relationship.
#5 Never discussing things with you
Never being interested in your point of view. Whether it is your life or his life.
This is very subtle, but it indicates, at some level, a master-slave relationship when other signs are here.
At a deeper level, this sign indicates an imbalance in the power dynamic in the relationship.
Gottman’s research has shown that relationships in which one partner feels they have no power influencing the relationship dynamic are doomed to fail.
I would argue they also tend to turn abusive as one partner acquires power over the other.
And it was found that it is men who are likely to dismiss their partner’s opinions, insights, decisions, and contributions.
Yes, men are supposed to be leaders, but true leaders are competent, not oppressive. They generously share the power and are interested in what you think.
#6 Over-jealousy
All the points above are how over-jealousy (partly) manifests itself.
Look, healthy amounts of jealousy are an essential part of the protective nature of man.
I would get jealous if my girl was to take the metro and feel unsafe or threatened.
I would get jealous if my girl was annoyed by any guy.
Many similar situations would make me jealous.
Healthy levels of jealousy are a good thing. Over-jealousy is what makes someone controlling, insecure, and paranoid. Learn to differentiate between the two.
#7 Shouting
Here is what shouting means to men.
It is a behavior that sets up the stage for physical violence. It is the stage before two or more people put their hands on each other.
Regardless of whether the situation escalated to physical violence or not, the threat is always there.
It is an attempt to dominate or, at least, to warn you to back off.
Yes, someone who shouts when emotionally charged is likely to use physical violence in the relationship at some point.
Plus, shouting makes no room for communication. It is impossible to communicate with a person who shouts at you.
As a side not, I do not mean loud voices or emotionally charged speech. I understand that some people naturally shout and never hit anyone (especially women).
I am referring to shouting where the underlying emotion is anger and where there is a direct or indirect attack/threat.
None of your discussions should feel this unsafe.
#8 Threatening to use physical violence, even subtly
This one is more explicit than just shouting.
Pushing you even a little bit. Using size to threaten you. Raising his hands without hitting you or stopping at the last moment. Hitting objects near you like the table or the wall.
And all similar behaviors where there is an indication of using physical violence.
You have already hit her by implying that you will — you destroyed her sense of safety around you.
#9 Lack of respect for your boundaries
All of the signs above indicate they do not respect your boundaries.
But, there are more subtle ways this can happen.
Look at what happens when you tell them that you are not comfortable with something (especially in the relationship). Especially if it is related to intimacy or sexual/romantic interactions.
If you voice out that you are not comfortable with something (photos exchange, sexual interaction, intimacy developing too fast), and they shrug it off or laugh at you for thinking this way, it is a huge red flag.
Especially if they refused to stop and kept doing what you are not comfortable with.
It does not matter if they try to convince you it is okay and not a big deal.
They will try to convince you that you do not have to worry about it and that you are making things appear bigger than they are.
That is so selfish. That is BS. You have every right to be concerned or uncomfortable about something, refuse to engage in it, or demand it to stop.
If they do not respect that, they do not respect your boundaries. If they do not respect your boundaries, they do not respect you.
#10 Alcoholism
This may trigger some people, but facts are facts.
Alcohol is a substance that makes people more outrageous.
It makes them not care about the consequences of their behaviors.
Alcohol is one of the intensifiers of aggression.
It makes people more aggressive, and it was found that many violent crimes were committed under the influence of alcohol. No wonder many domestic violence victims report the husband coming home drunk and beating his wife and/or children.
According to the statistics, it is a serious issue:
“An estimated 2/3rd of victims suffering from violence by a current or former spouse or partner report that the perpetrator had been drinking, compared to less than 1/3rd of stranger victimizations.”
#11 Hitting you
This one is obvious. But it is sad I include it in this list.
Look for the early signs of domestic abuse, and if you missed them, do not miss this obvious one because things do not get any better from that point.
Conclusion
Domestic abuse does not always have to start as physical violence or obvious abusive behaviors.
In fact, it usually starts with less extreme signs that eventually escalate to full-blown violence. In other words, some behaviors and red flags have the proclivity to develop into domestic violence.
Listen to the whispers so that you do not have to deafen your ears with the screams.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: M. on Unsplash