1. The jaws of life my firefighter friend has offered to let me use to cut through the industrial plastic that all the toys the kids get on Christmas morning. That stuff is basically cast-offs from the Space Shuttle and requires a degree in engineering to open.
2. The spare batteries that were carelessly thrown in the junk drawer that are now needed. Even though they no longer have a package and might be from the Carter administration, I’m pretty sure they’ve got some juice left in them. It’s your time to shine boys!
3. Metal recycling plants because the day after Christmas I make side money by gathering all those little aluminum twist ties that cut my fingers. It takes a lot of twist ties to break even, so basically after I open one Barbie I can pay for next year’s vacation.
4. Other people that step on LEGOS before I do. You’re doing God’s work, people and I thank you. You are the canary in the coal mine.
5. Christmas cookies that are made EXACTLY like Santa ordered them. To be clear, Santa likes peanut butter cookies that are so unhealthy that they should be considered a war crime. And then instead of milk, a nice cold beer pulled directly from the cooler at midnight. Rudolph would also appreciate some hot wings.
6. Hugs given to dad as Christmas presents. Let’s be honest, that’s really the only thing he wants and is the perfect fit every time. But also, hot wings.
7. My wife who lets me be silly from time to time and silently rolls her eyes when I say things like “Let’s build a guillotine, kids!” And when we did build the guillotine, because we did, who loves to participate in our silliness as much as I like making it happen.
8. Quality socks because as a forty-four-year-old man, my greatest nemesis as a child is now my greatest ally. A good pair of quality socks on Christmas morning pretty much makes my entire year.
9. The breakfast that my wife makes every Christmas morning in such a whirlwind manner that I’m pretty sure someone is going to get smacked with a wooden spoon before the end of the day. I will always be grateful for any meal that I don’t have to cook. It could taste like cardboard, and I would still eat it with a smile on my face but thank God her’s is delicious. So delicious that even if she wasn’t here reading what I write, I would still say it is good. But seriously, she’s watching me right now and it’s getting a bit uncomfortable.
10. My friends that celebrate the holidays differently than I do. I want to know the history, the tradition, and the food. I genuinely love the pictures that you post and it always looks so fun that one day I’m going to come over just to experience them. I will bring a guillotine. It will add to your holiday enjoyment.
11. My kids with the smiles on their faces who have no idea how hard I’ve worked to give them this moment. It’s all about toys and candy and jolly fat men coming down chimneys. And that’s the way it should be; me sitting here watching every amazing gesture that they make.
That’s my gift, and I want it every year.
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