When Carrie Underwood gave a 12 year-old boy his first kiss on stage, why didn’t we question our double standards about protecting girls vs “making men” out of boys?
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Listen, I’m not saying that Carrie Underwood had anything other that good intentions when she pulled a 12 year-old boy out of the audience to give him his first kiss on stage in front of thousands of people. The boy had been carrying a sign requesting that the stunning 29 year-old superstar give him a kiss, and when Carrie learned about it, she had her crew bring him up for a kiss. “Lip to lip,” as he said.
This is an old story – it happened in 2012. I’m writing about it now because there have been a lot of stories in the news lately about teachers, most of them pretty and in their twenties or thirties, having sex with their minor students, and I think both of those situations are excused based upon the same societal stereotype about boys.
Now let’s be clear: In no way do I think the sexual abuse perpetrated by teachers against students is comparable to a little kiss by a celebrity upon a kid, with his parents’ permission. I’m going to italicize and bold that, so you know I’m serious. But I do think this little kiss and the abuse of boys by female adults are related in one way: people’s double standards about protecting girls vs “making men” out of boys.
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Imagine a concert with a gorgeous, highly-desired star on stage. A kid is in the audience with a sign asking for a first kiss from the superstar singer. The singer pulls the kid on stage and delivers a lip-to-lip kiss. We just saw that in the video above, right?
Now imagine if the singer were John Mayer. Imagine if the kid were a somewhat awkward 12 year-old girl who still had some adorable baby fat on her face.
That creeps me out.
Luckily it didn’t really happen. But it changes things, doesn’t it?
An adolescent girl’s first kiss shouldn’t be with a grown man, no matter how famous. So why doesn’t the Carrie Underwood video creep people out?
As a society, we don’t feel a need to protect boys’ innocence when it comes to sexual or romantic interactions with girls and women.
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I’ll tell you why. It’s because, as a society, we don’t feel a need to protect boys’ innocence when it comes to sexual or romantic interactions with girls and women.
We’ve also already cast our victim/perpetrator roles and they are as follows: Girls and women are the victims of men and boys. The end.
We see it time and again when yet another pretty teacher is charged with sexual abuse of a minor boy. Comments sections are filled with “‘atta boy”s and virtual high-fives for the children.
We hear taunts from celebrities like Bill Maher who famously coined the term “Lucky Bastard Syndrome” for boys who have been raped (statutory or otherwise) by adult females. We hear him reflect what many people think – that a boy or man who complains about being raped or sexually abused by a woman or girl needs to man up and grow a pair.
And that is sick. That is sick to a degree that I can’t even start to explain. And it often keeps male survivors of abuse silent.
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I remember my first kiss vividly, both the great and terrible aspects of it. The kid’s name was Joey, and he lived across the street from my new friend Shannon. He was my age, rode a scooter (illegally) and I swear already had a five o’clock shadow. I batted my eyelashes at him enough for him to know that I wanted to kiss him. Oh, and I told him I wanted to kiss him. I’ve never been subtle.
And I remember exactly how I felt – before, during and after. The longing was intense, and the idea of kissing a boy was terrifying. Would I know what to do? Would he fall in love with me? What would happen with my braces?
During the kiss I wondered what the hell was going on. It was slobbery and gross and not romantic – turned out there was such a thing as French Kissing that nobody had warned me about, and it was disgusting.
Somehow, though, my memory of it afterward remained wistful and made me feel tingly. I didn’t date Joey, though we went to the same school. I think I started listening to Nirvana not long after and bought a pair of Doc Martens. That doesn’t exactly make you popular in Michigan in the year 1991.
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Once again, I am not saying that Carrie Underwood kissing a 12 year-old boy on stage is abuse. I’d guess that her intentions were pretty pure toward the kid (though perhaps it was a media stunt, and there’s a whole weird angle to examine there). But generally, it’s clear the intention was to fulfill the mostly innocent fantasies of thousands of little boys who think she is the greatest thing ever. Because she is. She’s great. And if you ask me, she has the best legs in show business.
There’s a strange story that runs through our collective consciousness that needs to end here and now. It’s the myth that guys are always up for sex, and that they’ll never say no.
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But there’s a strange story that runs through our collective consciousness that needs to end here and now. It’s the myth that guys are always up for sex, and that they’ll never say no. Somehow we’ve come to believe that the hallmark difference between boys and girls is that boys want “it” all the time and girls’ job is to protect themselves from having “it” taken away from them. And it’s bullshit. Women experience deep and overwhelming physical desire, just as guys do. And boys and men deserve the right to say no, just like girls and women do.
Don’t all kids deserve to have a truly romantic, mutual experience for their first kiss? Didn’t he deserve to have what I had, what you may have had, what we all hope for our kids: butterflies when seeing the person he crushes on, questions of whether he or she loves him back and wants to kiss him, the mutually awkward experience of being a young person who has no idea what they’re doing, but does it anyway because the desire in both of them to connect in this special way is so overwhelming?
If you think that this kid was a lucky bastard, but that a girl in that same position with a grown man would’ve been just plain sick and wrong, then you need to take some time and examine your double standards.
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Also read: The Sexual Abuse of Boys is Not About “Getting Lucky” and We Need to Stop Promoting This Myth
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** UPDATE: A Twitter follower, Al, pointed out that John Mayer DID in fact kiss a teen girl on stage – she was 16, it wasn’t billed as her “first kiss” and he made it VERY clear that the kiss was going to be on the cheek, and it was. Video below.
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The reason is that we don’t like the idea of forbidding something that we would like to have had ourselves. This should be obvious.
I think this is a much bigger problem.
CPS PARENTS OUTRAGED BY RACY 5TH GRADE SEX EDUCATION MATERIALS
http://abc7chicago.com/education/cps-parents-outraged-by-racy-sex-education-materials/406458/
It seems to me the author of this piece may be doing exactly what the boy did. Use Underwood’s fame to score Brownie points with his buddies. We can all remember that age and mindset, right?
LOL, My wife and I were just discussing something similar. I told her about the blouse my and my buddies bought our 8th grade teacher. It was all frilly in the front but it was backless. She promised to wear it and she did ….. she wore a sweater over it … awwww drats, foiled again.
I viewed the footage. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see anything untoward about this whole thing. First, if you take a look at the expression on Underwood’s face, you will see it’s that of an artist wanting to appease their young admirer. There was nothing lustful about it. I’ve seen it dozens of times. Secondly, this was not an open mouth kiss with tongues exchanged. Rather it was a quick flash of a peck on the lips. The kind parents and loved ones give their young charge for pure affection. Again, I’ve seen artists do this with young… Read more »
Eagle, I never said that Underwood had any intent toward him other than completely sweet and innocent ones. In fact I said that at least twice. I was using it as an example of a bigger problem in society.
” I was using it as an example of a bigger problem in society.” Sorry but I still don’t get it. What bigger problem does this event, an event you yourself admit harbored no ill-will towards the boy, exemplify? That we shouldn’t be letting adult women serve as rites of passage for young boys? I agree with you. But in this case, he was an eager fan and it was a brief peck on the lips from an artist he admired. If he wants to call it his first kiss then let him. At that age, he still retains that… Read more »
Apparently the author never saw the movie Bye Bye Birdie
Leslie that’s an Operation Yew Tree moment right there. Famous man tonguing a barely legal teen on stage. Yuck. What’s wrong with these people??!! I don’t care how sexually active a teenager might be, a much older man does not have the right to take advantage of her by virtue of fame, power, circumstance. I really fancied Jonny Depp as a young teen. Would’ve loved to have snogged him. But had the opportunity arisen I’m sure I’d have felt vulnerable, scared and run away. Adults are supposed to look after children & protect their innocence, not take advantage of their… Read more »
Completely different situation – his first kiss to yours. Yours was a private, romantic experience between two youths. This was a young boy being cute – And I would make a large wager that Carrie didn’t slip him the tongue. That happened to me on my 16th birthday with Tom Jones – he DID slip me the tongue during his show. It didn’t seem like a big deal to me (not MY first kiss) but it became a much bigger deal when all the other fans swarmed me afterwards to swoon with jealousy over my good luck.
WHOA, you were SIXTEEN and a grown man slipped you the tongue?
See, I see a massive, massive, massive problem with that.
How old was he then?
I kind of feel like this is when we see parents take naked pictures of their kids, and we get all freaked out as a society and cry “child molestation”. Is this inappropriate or are we just a society with a huge sense of lost of innocence?
Yeah, John Meyer couldn’t get away with this. But John Meyer is notorious for being a great guy with the ladies. Maybe Josh Gorban or Harry Connick jr. could though. Christina Aguilera or Madonna couldn’t get away with this either.
I have two people in my life who have been convicted of sex crimes involving minors. I spent a significant amount of time around them both when I was young. A family member and a friend’s father. I was sometimes tickled and told I was beautiful. For me these people are both good and bad. I was lucky to experience the good. Even if Carrie Underwood or John Mayer turn out to be a creep, it would not, necessarily, mean these particular situations were creepy. We all possess good and bad. Being mostly good does not preclude you from sometimes… Read more »
Maybe instead of changing our view on the innocence of Underwood’s kiss, we should change how we view an innocent kiss from Mayer?
Food for thought. I’m sure I just made some people very uncomfortable, but perhaps it would be possible for a male celeb to give a young admirer an innocent and non-sexual peck
Here, it happened. He made it VERY clear he was going to kiss her on the cheek – and he does. And he sings a silly song. I added this as an update to the article. I don’t think people in their 30s should be giving “first kisses” (or probably any lip-kisses) to kids that aren’t their own, who are minors. At least in American, mainstream culture, it is generally considered romantic/sexual. Mayer seems to get that – Underwood does not. AGAIN I don’t think Underwood necessarily did anything wrong, but it is an illustration of the exact same social… Read more »
I agree with you. I wanted to offer the possibility of a male kiss that was sweet, and non-sexual. And to a certain extent, I was playing the part of a devil’s advocate.
Honestly if either gender wanted a kiss, I’m not so sure it’s a bad thing if it’s an innocent peck and not your typical romantic kiss. I wouldn’t really call it his first kiss though, sure it’s technically the first but the first kiss that he wanted, with a potential romantic interest is different to kissing a star before his sex drive has really switched on and the desires for romance are there. I’m pretty sure I was kissed randomly by other kids in kindergarten but I don’t consider those my first kiss, my first was in adulthood. At 12… Read more »
Have you seen the movie Bye Bye Birdie? Granted the girl was a teen and not 12 but the whole premise revolves around a rock star kssing her for the cameras and he even dips her… And this is considered a family movie and a classic movie with Dick Van Dyhe and Paul Lynde.
But that was about his last kiss before going into the military.