Joshua Pompey’s job is helping guys be better at online dating. But you’ve got to listen to women before you can succeed.
Nearly every day of my life I hear the same frustrations expressed by women who are online dating. “I’ll never meet a good guy online.” “All the men on these dating sites are crazy.” “Online dating is just so exhausting.” “Why can’t you just marry me Joshua?”
Okay. So maybe the last question is a delusional fantasy of mine. But the other remarks are all too common among women who are online dating. It’s not that women online have impossibly high expectations. Nor is there a shortage of quality men online.
The real issue is that women have a much different experience on dating sites then men do. Unfortunately, due to a a few bad apples, many of these experiences aren’t exactly filled with sunshine and rainbows. The good news is, once you lean to understand online dating from the perspective of a woman, you will be better equipped to adjust your approach and have much higher levels of success.
For over half a decade I have been in direct contact with online daters, both professionally, and personally. All this knowledge has provided me with more than enough knowledge to voice the biggest desires, problems, and frustrations that most women have with online dating. In this article, I am going role play as a female online dater and share with you what most women wish you knew about their experiences online.
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What a woman would tell you, if she could:
1. Please understand, I receive more emails than I could ever respond to.
It’s not that I’m a shallow, selfish, or out to crush your self esteem. I may have even thought you were kind of sweet in your first email. But if I responded to every single message I received, I’d never have the time to live my own life, let alone date. So please don’t take it personally if I don’t respond. I’m sure you are a great guy and there is someone special out there for you, it just may not be me at this particular moment.
2. A beautifully spammed first email will not make my heart flutter.
Ah. It’s what every woman has dreamed of since she was a little girl. A spammed pick-up line that was emailed to 50 other women that day.
I know online dating can be exhausting, but at the same time, I don’t want to feel as if I am just another number in a numbers game. If you want to sweep me off my feet, the first step is showing me that you took the time to read about who I am. A little effort will go a long way.
3. Don’t focus on my physical appearance.
I know many of you are just trying to be sweet. I appreciate those who are. I really do. But please understand that you are still a stranger to me until the moment we meet. When a stranger tells me that he can’t stop staring at my smile or that I have the most beautiful eyes he has ever seen, it makes me nervous. I’d be much more flattered if you complimented me for qualities I possess on the inside.
4. I don’t like to be called honey, babe, or any other pet names in an email.
In a relationship this might be endearing. But in the online world we still don’t know each other. It comes across as overly aggressive or condescending, whether that’s the intent or not. Let’s save the pet names for when we are in an actual relationship.
5. Try to keep the emails from feeling like homework assignments.
I may be really interested in exploring the potential we have, but if your email takes me more than five minutes to respond to, there is a good chance I won’t write back. It’s not that I don’t want to answer. I just don’t have the time or energy to sit at the computer for 30 minutes after a long day of work. A little witty banter followed by one interesting question is a much better approach than a barrage of questions and multiple paragraphs.
6. “Hey,” “what’s up,” or “how are you” is not going to make me take notice.
And if you are thinking, “looking good baby, what’s good” will get the job done instead, you may want to try a more adult site. I receive more emails than I could ever respond to. I know this isn’t your fault, but it’s the reality of the online dating world. If you want to get noticed, try being a little creative and find ways to stand out from the crowd.
7. I’d kill to have a conversation that isn’t generic small talk.
One of the worst aspects of online dating is that I am asked the same tedious questions over and over. This is one of the inherent drawbacks of online dating. The more you can find ways to relieve me from this boredom by avoiding small talk questions, and asking fun, playful, and unique questions, the more I will become excited to write you back over somebody else.
8. The written portion of your profile is where I actually decide whether or not I will go out with you.
If you have the charm of Ryan Gosling or the looks of Channing Tatum, perhaps I will make an exception. But assuming I won’t be so lucky, it’s not until I read your profile that I truly decide whether or not to pull the trigger on emailing you.
The internal qualities of a man are much more important to most women than the physical. In addition, as someone who is searching for a true match, the written portion of your profile is where I can gage the most about your personality and whether or not you have relationship potential.
9. Humor will get you on a first date faster than anything else.
The best way to get noticed online is to make me laugh. Not only do I love to laugh, but one of my biggest fears as a woman is that I will wind up on a date from hell that is incredibly awkward and boring.
By showing me that you are funny, you will ease this fear tremendously. In the back of my mind I will know that even if the date doesn’t work out, at least I’ll have a fun time, laugh a lot, and maybe even make a new friend. This makes it exponentially more likely that I will agree to go on a date with you over someone else.
10. Looks don’t matter nearly as much as you might think.
Almost any man can look reasonably attractive if he takes care of himself and puts together the right style. Good looking guys are a dime a dozen and I am at a point in my life where I need more than that. When I have to make the choice between a good looking man with an average personality, and an average looking man with an amazing personality, the latter will almost always win out. So let those great personality traits shine.
11. Please don’t yell at me when I don’t respond to your email. If you were at a coffee shop and a woman refused a date with you, would you call her a nasty (insert favorite curse word here), throw a tantrum, and beg her to listen about what a great guy you are? Of course not.
I get that online dating can be frustrating at times. But please don’t get mad at me if I don’t respond. There will be other women out there, so stay positive and focus on someone who may be a better match for you.
12. You really don’t have to be so nice all the time.
As much as I don’t want to be yelled at, I also don’t want a pushover that relentlessly praises me with excessive kindness. I love nice guys, however, there needs to be a limit. Being excessively nice will not make me realize what an amazing life I’d have if I was with you. But it will make me want to sign you up for cooking classes with my Aunt Judy.
13. Don’t approach me with sexual comments if I am not on a sex site. As flattered as I am just to be considered, its unlikely that I will want to join your wife for a threesome, send you nude photos, see how large your package is, or walk you around on a leash. But I would like to tie you on a leash just out of reach from ever typing on a keyboard again if you send me perverted emails again. Is that a fair compromise?
14. Confidence is key. All women want a man who is confident. The more your profile writing, photos, and emails reflect that you are a man who loves life and is completely secure with yourself, the more I will want to be a part of your world. There are few qualities as important as this one.
15. If I don’t respond to your first email, your time is better spent moving on. Sending me an email every hour, day, and week, is not going to change my mind. All you are doing is solidifying that I made the right decision by never responding to your first email to begin with. Instead of making me feel as if I have a new stalker, focus your energy on finding a better match and keep your head up!
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Want more information? Joshua Pompey has been helping online daters at a success rate of over 99% since 2009. For more information from Joshua Pompey, including how to save over 5,000 dollars per year and 500 hours, read this article now. Or visit his world famous profile writing service and have your custom made profile built today.
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Photo: Flickr/vis-a-v.
I have read this article, and i can say , that i agree with all points here! I use https://kovla.com/datings/us/phoenix and i can say that everyday i receive all this emails from men, with these mistakes! I hate, when men started to call me: baby, honey…ew(( Are you really thinking, that it can works out? Thank you for this article, maybe some guys will read it an will understand their misbehaviour!
Men should not send the introductory message, just respond to the women who reach out to you.
Now that there are so many free dating sites out there, if you usa a pay site you are crazy. There are some free sites that are nothing but creeps, but if you look around, you can find some good ones. I tried a lot of the pay sites or the free sites at first, but then charge you and found that there are some free sites that are actually better then some of the pay sites I have used. If you are new to dating online, save your money, find a few good, honest free sites, make a profile… Read more »
Taking 1 and 2 together is kinda hilarious when you think about it for a few seconds…
Regardless, I don’t think I’d ever try online dating. Not when the site’s entire revenue stream is dependent on people not actually finding dates. And especially not when too many sites have “dummy” accounts to make it look like there are more women on there than there actually are.
Also, the author forgot to include
1(b) “I get enough unsolicited messages that I don’t feel much need to send out any of my own.”
This, as much as anything else shapes the online dating-site dynamic.
My sister-in-law tried this…Suggestions: (1) really, no dick pics…really! (2) recent photos means from this year or last year, hopefully….not 20 years ago and 100 lbs. lighter… (3) psychotic and delusional people –please do not apply…!