Do you know what doesn’t get talked about enough relating to attachment style?
We forget to discuss what role a partner can play in someone’s transition and journey.
We miss opportunities to dive deeply into how a partner can respond and care for their partner during a transition.
If you are the partner of the dismissive-avoidant, the goal is not for you to pander to their needs.
You need a template to keep stability and peace in your relationship while recognizing that your partner needs your help and understanding.
It is not your job to “take on” more responsibility for a transition that is your partner’s responsibility, but remember that a relationship is a partnership.
Someone who feels alone on their journey cannot show up as their best self for you in a relationship.
Let’s go over some mistakes we can avoid along the way.
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Before we begin, I always remind my writers that I do not write for people who want to stay stagnant in their attachment style.
I write so individuals and partners can navigate the attachment style transition and journey.
If your partner does not want to take this journey, I ask nothing of you.
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Hide and seek
We know that one of the primary behaviors a dismissive avoidant needs to work on is their instinct to turn to isolation for comfort.
The note to be aware of are reasons they prefer isolation in moments of conflict that might not align with your assumptions.
They need time to process and develop feelings.
Without that time, they will feel pressured to generate a response to resolve conflict.
But what if I want to talk things out?
That is the problem for the dismissive-avoidant; they see a disruption in harmony as conflict, no matter how big or small.
The mistake here comes in two parts. Neither of which you should feel guilty for feeling.
- You want to pull someone in when moving away from you, so you try to close the communication gap as soon as possible.
- You want to offer advice on what you or your partner can do to fix the situation.
There is another approach you can take that will reframe how your partner sees your efforts.
Offer them the space they think they need but simultaneously put an end time to that alone time. “I think we should take some time to process what is happening and talk about it at the end of the day.”
With this approach, you have offered a solution, given them space, and created peace in your life by setting a deadline that removes you from the grey area of knowing when the processing time will end.
It is not manipulative to do this, and eventually, that processing time will shorten from days to hours, to minutes, to in-the-moment resolutions.
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Round of applause
Ok, I cover dismissive avoidants and their need for isolation in my older articles, but that is because it is a core response to triggers the DA will face.
There is another sensitivity we need to cover and how to address it as the partner of a DA.
Dismissive avoidants want to have a deep connection with their partner. They have a high value on how their partner views them.
It sounds like it is a common want amongst anyone in a relationship, but a dismissive avoidant takes your words to heart and needs you to be careful of how you express yourself and your needs of them.
When others hear needs, they might think about what they can do better to show up for the other person.
When a dismissive avoidant hears needs, it sounds like a criticism and triggers their “I am defective” core wound.
They see a need as a point of failure in themselves instead of you simply expressing yourself.
A great way to present a need to your DA partner is, to begin with something they do well in that area. It should sound like they are building on something instead of starting from scratch.
“I enjoy our time together; we have so much fun. Are you interested in doing more activities outside?”
That sounds better than, “I need more intentional time outside instead of in the house.”
I am not telling you to bypass your want or need to do activities outdoors, but there is a way of presenting it that takes some weight off of your partner.
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Mark the calendar
The last point brings the previous two into consideration.
Your partner wants acknowledgment, but it’s more than that. It gets lost in translation, but your partner wants to feel like you see them.
It sounds pretty counterintuitive as this person is dismissive and avoidant, right?
That default comfort zone is a safety zone. Dismissive avoidants don’t want to live there.
Again, your partner wants a close connection, and they want to feel like they are “enough.”
I know these are general characteristics of anyone in a relationship, but remember that the DA starts from an imbalance.
You don’t have to remind them every day, but don’t let time go by without acknowledging what they have done to show up in the relationship.
The fears that they have in themselves can be projected from you and work against their subconscious.
Stay with me.
Saying something like “I feel safe and present when I am with you” will give them the feeling that they are safe and can be present when they’re with you too.
Acknowledging them kills two birds with one stone.
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I want people of various attachment styles to do the hard work for a complete transformation.
I also want to provide their partners with a roadmap to create peace in their relationship.
Remember this takes time, be patient, present, and forgiving.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Jackson Simmer on Unsplash
