While we’re in the era of discussing relationship compatibility, personal needs, and matchmaking, something is going unsaid.
Yes, we give advice that benefits individuals so they know what to avoid, boundaries, and how to navigate modern dating.
But. People are slowly becoming more desperate to find love.
There is this idea that there is a formula you can concoct and find the perfect partner.
There are things you can do to set yourself on the best path, but love is becoming something that people are chasing after rather than the random act that it often is.
People are becoming impatient and concerning themselves with their results rather than the path that is relationship building. You know, enjoying the hike instead of staring at the mountain top, wondering when they will be there.
There are consequences that people aren’t aware of that impact their lives, and I want to bring awareness to them.
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Second act
One thing I hear when I talk with others about why their dating or relationship experiences fail is how they feel.
I get it; everything you’ve seen through media tells you that love is eternal happiness that never fades. I have to break some news to you. Love won’t be easy to find purely based on how you feel.
The first downside to being desperate to find love is that you are chasing a feeling.
Yes, love is an emotion, but love derives from the combination of emotions. The combination of emotions builds from behaviors that satisfy your needs.
Setting boundaries and needs is more important than chasing a feeling.
For example, you will love your partner because you trust them and know they care about you. The root of what you want to feel is someone who fulfills your needs, not your desire for a feeling.
Blame game
There is another danger zone that I warn people about when they are desperate to fall in love.
Your experiences inevitably make you accusatory over time.
I’ve noticed one of two scenarios with people who are on the chase:
- You begin to feel unworthy or have inner conflict as if you are defective and cannot find someone.
- With each “failure,” expectations and requirements become more demanding, and no one can meet them.
While each scenario can be harmful, they each carry their detrimental effects.
When you have the mindset of someone who “can’t” overcome battling inner conflict, it derails you from the self-improvement steps you can take to transform into your best self.
Blaming others and thinking they’re not good enough for you becomes selfish. Look, everyone isn’t a match for you, and you’re not a match for everyone. It’s no more complex than that.
When you become desperate, someone “has to be” at fault.
I am not one to look into the stars for answers, but you have to let fate take its course. You will meet people who give you an experience. What you don’t want and where you need to improve.
Be patient.
Ferris wheel
The last consequence is the most dangerous and often the one I see most often. People become so desperate to fall in love that they no longer realize what is unhealthy.
They find something that accomplishes the fulfillment of the feeling with no support underneath it.
They end up in a cycle of relationships that start strong on infatuation, and the small details that make relationships successful go unexecuted.
We all feel the weight of a negative experience, but the same experience on a recurring cycle is damaging.
You want to alleviate yourself from that feeling, and that is when the true definition of settling comes into action.
You become so impatient and dependent on losing this weight that you will find something that checks off the box.
Temporarily.
By the end, you lose sight of what you were looking for and can end up stuck somewhere you don’t want to be.
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My goal in this article is to help people slow down and take their time pursuing a long-term relationship.
I know we all have bruises and scars from our journey, but you have to enjoy the hike to the mountaintop. It sounds corny, but it is the only path to success.
Take the time to understand yourself and your needs during and after your transformation journey. Understand how those needs are fulfilled by behaviors and not just the feeling. “It’s about what you do, not what you say.” right?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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