Death and loss are often associated with different intensities of grief, especially if it’s of a family member or friend or even a beloved pet. Grief can be overwhelming, and it can bring with it different emotions—regret, guilt, self-blame, and sorrow for being left behind.
When coping with grief, remember that it’s a very personal experience. There’s no one standard way to deal with it, no right or wrong way to do it. So what I will be sharing here is not a formula to handle grief but a guide that will be useful in your journey.
Allow yourself to grieve in the way you need to.
Let me break this down.
One, to ‘allow’ means to give space for grief, and this can be a challenge in certain circumstances.
If your remaining family looks to you for leadership and guidance during this difficult time, if you are expected to take care of everything from handling morgue arrangements to managing the funeral, it might feel you have no time to grieve. Or, if you are a man who has always believed that strong men do not cry, grieving can be hard.
Recognize that grief is not exclusive to certain people—to women only, to close family members only, or only for family members with no responsibility to think about. Grief affects everyone, and you are bound to feel it. Denying yourself grief will not make it disappear; it will likely just manifest in other less healthy forms, now or in the future.
Two, “in the way you need to” speaks of the uniqueness of people in their experience of grief and in their coping with it. Some people cry openly in front of their loved one’s coffins. Others cry to their family members and friends, seeking their comfort. And some grieve in silence.
You know yourself best. You know how best you can deal with grief and how much time you need. So give yourself that space and time—it’s okay.
Find time to honor and to be with your departed loved one.
Grief is often a result of knowing that the person who died is gone, no longer with you, and you are left behind. It can also bring regret for words not said or things not done when the person was still alive. And with these emotions, saying goodbye can be the hardest thing to do.
Be in the ‘presence’ of your (departed) loved one— talk to him about what you feel and thank him for sharing his life with you; write to him if that’s what works for you; or have something of that person with you, like a gift, something special he shared with you when he was still alive.
Choose to honor the person as a parting gesture. You can do this in many different ways, from something as big as donating to a cause or an organization that is close to your loved one’s heart, to something as simple as finding time to do a special activity that you used to do together and keeping that person’s memory alive in your heart every time you do the said activity—like playing the guitar and singing, going on a walk every Sunday afternoon, visiting a certain church during that person’s birthday.
Reach out to people.
… At the right time, and according to your need.
There may be moments in your grieving when you feel the need to be alone with your emotions, and that’s okay. Give yourself that if that is what you need.
And when you feel ready to come out of yourself, it may be helpful to reach out and talk about your grief to your family who may be sharing the grief with you or to friends who are expressing sympathy, people that you trust, and people who are genuinely concerned about you.
Humans are built for connection, and one of the blessings of grief, when shared, is its ability to bring people together. Surrounding yourself with the people you love can help you move forward.
However, there may be instances when you feel the need to talk about your grief, but not to people close to you. You may need an outsider’s perspective.
Life coaches can serve this way. We are trained to help people process through their emotions and look at their situation from a perspective of understanding and rationality. If you have a life coach in your life, then a conversation with him can help you deal with what you are going through healthily.
Grief is a natural reaction to the passing of a loved one, intensified and accompanied by the feeling of loss, regret, and helplessness. Allowing yourself to grieve, finding time to be with your departed loved one, and reaching out to people are some of the ways you can deal with it.
Prepare for a loved one’s death, ensuring that no words are left unsaid, and no things are left undone. Say the words and do the things that matter. Tell them how much you love them. Tell them you’re sorry. Hug them. Or serve them in a way they will understand.
Honor your loved ones by doing or delivering a ‘living eulogy’ for them while they are still alive—so they hear our appreciation and feel the love we have for them. This way, when the time of death comes, we know we have loved the person the best way that we can.
And as we move forward, let me share with you a message I received from my coach when my mom passed away in August 2020, and I was grieving: “Honor the life of your mother by the way you live your life.”
Honor the life of your loved one by the way you live your life.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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