You’re back in the dating market, and you’ve connected with someone whose time you’re enjoying.
You just got back from your second or third date, and you are excited about moving forward with your new romantic interest.
You tell your friends how well it’s been going, and you finally feel like you’ve found success.
Then.
It seems like the other person loses interest, or the relationship turns sour out of nowhere.
What happened?
I’ll be honest with you and compassionate at the same time.
It can be hurtful to be excited about a new prospect and go through the frustration of interest fading. On the flip side, some actions you took led to it happening; you weren’t even aware of what you were doing wrong.
Sometimes people are lame and ghost you for arbitrary reasons, but let’s look at a few possible reasons your actions have something to do with it.
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Take a water break
You have probably read an article about the time you should take between texting somebody.
The tit-for-tat system. If it takes three hours to text you back, you should take three hours too.
I do not preach that because it falls into the category of playing games. There are lots of reasons someone might take some time to text you back.
I recommend taking time to form a concise reply and chill out.
You get so eager because you are excited that your prospect is texting you, and while you think your immediate response shows that you are interested, it does the exact opposite.
It shows that you are overly excited, available, and too into the other person.
You have eliminated the element of mystery that makes the other person want to engage with you and build attraction.
Therefore they have no reason to prioritize you or treat you like the best option. It almost happens subconsciously.
There is no element of scarcity in their mind because they can take their sweet time engaging with you while you are seemingly sitting by your phone waiting.
So, do this instead.
When you receive a text, wait to open it for fifteen minutes. Again, we are not playing games; we are eliminating that eager-filled moment when their name pops up on your phone.
Read what they said and digest the content for another fifteen minutes.
Then follow the next step and the mistake you can avoid.
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Kill the novel
Our next bullet applies whether you are texting, calling, or even talking in person.
- You have to kill the over-talking.
- You have to get to the point.
I will stick to our examples using texts, but the same logic applies to the other forms of communication.
I don’t care what you are attempting to say; you are using too many words.
Also, you have to kill the back and forth; you are not a teenager texting all day.
It is the talking phase; we are targeting a method to get the person face-to-face as much as possible, don’t become a pen pal.
“Hey, how’s your day going? I had a great time on our last date. I thought it was funny when we were talking about that embarrassing story you told me. Are you free this week? We should grab a drink at the tavern. They have live music and some good happy hour deals. If you’re not free, let me know another time that would work.”
Vs.
“Hey, meet at the tavern on Friday? I want to hear some more of your funny stories.”
Do you see the differences?
- Example one has four or five different talking points to address.
- Example one makes you look like you are chasing and overly available.
- Example two is direct and puts the ball in their court to respond and reciprocate interest.
- Example two shows you remembered something they told you and want to build upon your last date.
Yes, you want to have some introduction texts and show a genuine interest in the basics; opening greetings, how someone’s day is going, etc. Get to the point after that.
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Reservations for one
I know how exciting it is to connect with someone and feel like you are far ahead of the dating timeline with someone you get along with so seamlessly.
You vibe well and find yourself thinking about them in your spare time.
Here’s the thing, you need to keep that to yourself to begin. Stay reserved.
When you release your feelings too quickly, you can scare someone away.
It does not mean you should feel bad for feeling the way you do, but remember feelings are momentary, and you might say something too early.
Process what you are feeling and find a way to say it that is 1/10 of the degree.
“You’re a good person, and I enjoy getting to know you.”
Here is why keeping it simple is powerful.
If the other person wants to dig deeper into that conversation, you have an open window to share.
Make sure they reciprocate, don’t go on and on without receiving information back.
You have to receive what you give, or there will be an imbalance in your dynamic.
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Do you see the common theme in the article? It is exciting to be in the talking phase of dating a new person.
Relax.
The fact that you are going on dates and seeing this person multiple times should be the assurance that you are making good progress.
Chill.
Let the cookies bake, and don’t be overly eager to take them out of the oven.
You can kill attraction just as quickly as you can build it.
Avoid these simple mistakes and keep yourself on the right track.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Kelli McClintock on Unsplash