3 Main Reasons Why Innocent Women Get Played by the Men They Love

 

It’s always a problem.

Falling for a person you don’t know very well, knowing that there could be shades in their personality that might break your heart and ruin your life.

How do you know the promises they make are legit and that believing them won’t one day turn you into the biggest fool that has ever graced the earth?

How do you know that they won’t swindle you of the last coin you’ve worked so hard to earn and leave you bleeding by the wayside?

How do you know that you won’t go through life kicking yourself for not having zoomed in close enough to see them for who they really are?

How can you tell whether that sweet forever-after lover won’t leave an indelible mark of betrayal that you’ll spend the next five years trying to erase?

The sad and ugly truth is that there’s no way of knowing.

It sucks, right?

But, hey, chin up. It’s not all bad.

There’s a saying that says where there’s smoke there’s fire.

And that truth right there is the little twinkling speck of light that you can use to ensure you minimize the risk of being played by a guy.

But before we get to that, let’s chime in on the hot gossip swirling around about Simon Leviev otherwise known as the Tinder Swindler.

No matter how much you want to hate him, you’ve got to give it to him. This dude had a clear plan (a horrible one, by the way), executed it, won (and enjoyed every minute of it with the travel and all), and then found solace in his home country where he seems to continue eating life with a big spoon.

Oh, did I also mention he’s doing all this with a model strapped on his arm?

If you’re wondering how this man climbed the ladder of popularity (enough to warrant a Netflix documentary and a host of articles across the internet) it’s all because of his player moves.

Look, no one likes spoilers, so I’ll let you watch the documentary yourself.

Besides, this article isn’t about that guy. It isn’t even about toxic men.

It’s more important than that because when it comes to being played, you have no control over the tactics a player/ toxic lover employs on you.

However, you always, always have control over how you respond and react to them.

So let’s talk about the ways women get played, which eventually puts them in the “What was I thinking?” corner. Or, in other words, the “You’ve been played’ corner.

This piece isn’t just for single women meandering the dating scene. It’s also for those who’ve been in relationships for years. Why? Because whether single or married, women find themselves short-changed too many times.

And the strategies to avoid falling into these traps apply to singles and those in relationships.

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You Know What To Do, but You Don’t Pull the Trigger.

I was a two-year-old energizer bunny, and my brother was a mere four-month-old teat-sucking infant when mom went back to college, leaving dad to care for us.

No. Those weren’t the days you could fire up your computer and take online lessons.

Neither did one have the luxury of selection. You attended the college where the government allocated you, no matter how far.

So mom packed up and went chasing her dream to build a career that spanned over forty years.
I’ve watched her take pride in being a teacher who taught kids who now have their own careers and families.

But most importantly, my dad respects who she has become and proudly calls her “Mwalimu” teacher in Swahili.

Let’s flip that coin for a second.

Let’s imagine if mum had decided that leaving two young kids behind was too big a sacrifice. Or that she was too young a wife to leave her man alone with two kids — one of whom was an annoying energizer bunny (me)

She would have spent her entire life bearing the heavy load of a dream that never lived to see the light of day.

Sure, initially, it’d have felt nice abandoning all else to be with my dad. But I’m willing to bet my small toe that it would have lasted two years max — and am stretching it.

Then all that warmth and fuzziness would have turned into a dark cloud of resentment for my dad and us. Who knows, maybe she wouldn’t have loved us the way she does because, well, we would have been the biggest stumbling block to her dream.

That whole story says that sometimes women suffer the negative effects of being in a relationship not because of something a man does but because of something they fail to do for themselves.

Because in life, knowing and doing are two completely different animals. This is one of the many lessons that my mother taught me.

Ladies, you need to stop putting a muzzle on that still small voice of yours. It’s why God gave it to you. It’s meant to nudge you towards what you need to do when you catch a whiff that something doesn’t feel right.

Maybe that small still voice tells you to start getting your affairs in order because you no longer feel safe being with this man.

Maybe it feels as if you need a little break so that you can evaluate your life without the weight of being in a relationship. Take heed.

I’ve found that anytime you know what to do but don’t do it or you wait too long to do it, by the time you get to it, it’s usually too late. The puppy is no longer a puppy. It’s a monster.

The point is: If you don’t want to find yourself nursing a broken heart or, worse, a broken life, learn to take action when your gut speaks.

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You Assume the Role of a Savior Too Soon.

Real and healthy relationships are symbiotic, no matter how much we like to think they aren’t. We use each other to feed ourselves, even if it’s as simple as having a companion to walk the journey of life with.

Usually, there is a balance. Each partner meets the other halfway and which makes for a smooth union.

But as the relationship ripens and the variables change, one partner leans into the other a bit more than usual because of health reasons, for instance.

Essentially, one becomes a savior to the other, and that’s fine.

What’s not okay is when a woman swoops in to save a man way before the relationship has even grown legs. (The opposite is true)

Take the most common scenario — asking a woman for cash.

Too often, the man will dream up some crazy story about a glitch somewhere and ask the lady — whom he barely even knows to bail him out.

And often, most women fall into this trap because it’s in our nature to give. There’s something about women that makes us feel unsettled when someone is in a fix.

This is why — like the victims of Tinder Swindler — women rush to save someone without stopping for a second to think about the repercussions it could have on them.

And this, my sisters, is one reason why we get played over and over.

We rush to save a man whose marriage is on the rocks, only for them to ditch us when things get rosy at home. We fail to hold our men accountable for their actions only to end up bathing in shame and regret even when we kept our part of the bargain.

We allow them to sleep with us without committing, only to end up raising our kids alone.

I could go on. But you get the point.

Women need to start becoming selfish enough to look out for their own personal interests in a relationship.

In case you’re wondering, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. In fact, if many women took this stance, men would have no choice but to step up.

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You Let Things Slip Through the Cracks.

Do you know the situations when things go wrong?

It’s during parties when everyone is concerned with food and drink. Then secretly, someone goes to the bedroom and snatches the expensive jewelry because people are too preoccupied to notice small details.

Why am I telling you about parties when we are talking about relationships?

Because relationships evolve in the same way.

Once your attention was fixed upon your lover and your lover only. Years fell off the calendar.
Now, your attention is on a host of other things. Your dog Charlie. Kids. Your sick mother. Work.

Things start to slip through the cracks. Promises aren’t fulfilled, but you never say a word because now, you’re just winging it and going with the flow.

When this happens, you’re treading on thin ice because anything is possible. The cat can steal and get away, and you won’t even notice.

No one is saying you need to guard your man full time. I don’t know anyone with that kind of time or patience.

But you need to make sure you’re still his priority (and vice-versa) That he still does the things that matter to you and still keeps you abreast with the happenings of his life.

I say this because too many marriages lost their pulses ages ago.

When you don’t know what’s going on in your man’s life — probably because you don’t ask- anything could be brewing in the background, and you’ll be left cleaning up the mess.

It could be anything, really. A debt problem. Infidelity. Gambling. An addiction. Anything. Don’t be caught off guard. Know what’s going on. Pay attention.

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All You Need To Know:

Ladies, remember you can’t always control the actions of a man who is taking you for a ride, but you’re always in control of your reaction. There’s nothing wrong with a little selfishness. In a way, it’s a form of self-preservation.

No matter how smitten you are, avoid the temptation of saving someone. You’re not Christ or his therapist.

I get that a relationship brings forth many responsibilities but don’t allow yourself to be a spectator in your man’s life. When things start slipping through the cracks, all bets are off. Ask questions. Pay attention. And watch.

Build your thing. It may not be an easy choice at first. But in the long run, it’ll be worth it.

It’s a good feeling to garner your man’s respect, but most importantly, your life is yours first before you share it with him, so do what makes you happy. And don’t worry, most things always fall in place in the end.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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