Moving on after heartbreak and betrayal are difficult.
Trust me, I know this from experience!
The pain from heartbreak and betrayal is not the kind of pain you get over quickly. But what makes it nearly impossible are the mistakes that we make in trying to make sense of what happened.
Trying to make sense of the breakup and/or betrayal will send you down a rabbit hole where no good will come of it!
But still, you will go!
Been there! Done that!
Listen, I get it! Your pain is looking for answers.
No, it’s demanding answers!
And I know what I’m about to say is harsh, but you’re likely to never get answers — not answers that will make sense or satisfy your pain.
Sorry, Sis! It’s just facts!
Now the advice I would give you — if I thought you would take it — is to walk away and never look back. I would advise you to focus solely on yourself and your healing journey.
But pain wants more, which is why I have to give you a warning!!!
Photo by Jessica Tan on Unsplash
Pain will send you on a quest that often results in you further injuring yourself.
The fact that you’re likely to not get answers that will satisfy you, will cause you to fill in gaps. And with your heart in the condition it’s in after cupid’s arrow has stabbed it to death, the gaps you fill in will not come from the confident, positive you. The gaps will be filled in from the part of you that has been wounded!
When you fill in gaps from a wounded place, you run the risk of making three mistakes that actually keep you entangled in pain instead of moving through it.
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Mistake #1 — Internalizing Rejection/Blaming Yourself
One of the big mistakes women make in trying to make sense of heartbreak and betrayal is internalizing rejection.
At the end of the day, when a relationship ends, especially a relationship you didn’t want to end, you feel rejected.
And let’s be clear, rejection is a hard beast to overcome!
Rejection can make you doubt yourself, your worth, and your value. It makes you question whether something is wrong with you. Rejection makes you question if you’re loveable and deserving.
But rejection can also do something even more damaging! It can make you blame yourself for the demise of the relationship by causing you to think, “if only I had done this, or done that, things would have turned out differently.”
But please know that you probably could have done a hundred things differently, and the result would still be the same!
Internalizing heartbreak and betrayal and blaming yourself can do real damage to your core identity. It can poison how you see yourself.
In seeking answers to make sense of why the relationship ended, please be mindful of how you think when you’re wounded so that you don’t internalize rejection and blame yourself.
It is important on your healing journey to remember how amazing you are! Also remember that if someone rejects you, it doesn’t diminish the fact that you’re amazing!
Nothing can tarnish your intrinsic value!
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Mistake #2 — Romanticizing Your Ex
Another big mistake women make in trying to make sense of heartbreak and betrayal is romanticizing their ex.
Navigating the waters of heartbreak and betrayal can be tricky because you’re actually still in love. The love you have for your ex doesn’t just evaporate into thin air when the relationship ends. The love you have for your ex is still there, which makes it easy to see them through a rosy lens.
If you spent quality time with your ex during the relationship, you’ll find yourself missing them. This means you’re likely to remember and reflect on all the wonderful moments you shared. You’ll remember how they made you feel and how they spoke your love language. This is where you can easily put your ex on a pedestal and tell yourself how perfect they were for you.
But what you must also do — force yourself to do if needed— is remember the not-so-rosy things about your ex. The truth is, your ex wasn’t perfect and they don’t deserve to be romanticized, especially if they betrayed you.
Remind yourself of all the ways your ex fell short, didn’t show up for you, didn’t support you, hurt you, and betrayed you.
Also, remember to tell yourself that you are amazing and you deserve better!
Because you are! And you do!
Romanticizing your ex will keep you stuck! It will keep you from healing and moving on. So take off your rosy lens and see your ex clearly.
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Mistake #3 —The Need for Closure
Another big mistake women make as we seek to make sense of heartbreak and betrayal is seeking closure — and by closure I mean the need to have one final conversation with your ex to get answers.
So, if you:
1. feel the need to know why your ex did XYZ,
2. can’t let go until your ex knows how much they hurt you,
3. never said all you wanted to say in the relationship and now you need your ex to hear all the things you held back, swallowed, and sacrificed trying to preserve our relationship…
If you’ve said any of these things, it’s more likely that you’re looking for something that one last conversation with your ex won’t give you.
Reconnection!
So often needing closure is not about putting a final end to the relationship. It’s about trying to find a way to salvage, continue the relationship, or stay connected.
If you believe that one last conversation with your ex will give you peace, make you feel better, or help you let go.
It won’t!
Desiring closure is normal, but the real truth is, finding peace, feeling better, and letting go, are not things your ex can give you.
These are things you must give yourself — and so is closure!
Seeking closure is just another mistake that can prolong your healing journey. Your healing journey will always be prolonged when you seek from others what you can only give yourself.
And closure is something you give yourself!
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Remember these 3 mistakes that keep us in pain and prolongs our healing journey.
#HappyHealing
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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