First dates can make or break your relationship.
Imagine you go on a date with a guy who doesn’t click with you. He was unpolite, didn’t listen when you spoke, and didn’t bother to get ready for you. To make it worse: You don’t find him attractive.
What are the chances you’ll give him a second chance?
In the Tinder era, you can swipe to the right and get another date within minutes. It doesn’t matter if he had a bad day. The first impression sticks, and it takes crazy effort to change it.
Imagine how dangerous this is: You can lose the love of your life because you had a bad day at work and were moody.
You get one chance to make it work, so you need all your tools.
You may not realize it, but what influences the success of your date is the place you choose. A date at a fancy restaurant is different than a picnic. The place sets the tone, how much you talk, and how comfortable you feel.
Here are the places you should avoid like the plague on a first date (if you want a second date):
1. Your place.
You may think, “the goal of the first date is to know each other, so we might as well go to my place so that they know me.” And your logic is right: You want to use this opportunity to learn more about your date.
But your place forces intimacy.
Relationships are a process. You have to know each other, earn trust, and build a relationship with time. When you invite someone to your place, you speed up this process.
You need to earn intimacy.
Imagine you invite a guy to your place. It’s not crazy to assume he’d expect to have sex (at the very least, he thought about it). And it’s okay to have a one-night stand. But if that’s not what you want, you risk creating the wrong expectations.
That’s a terrible start for a relationship.
You wouldn’t invite a stranger to your apartment, would you? You’d (hopefully) wait some time until you know each other and become friends. So why would you invite a date?
There’s no reason to rush things. Relationships are about people: Enjoy the process of getting to know one another.
2. Movie theater.
99% of people think movie theaters are romantic (and great places for a date). But movie theaters don’t help you on a first date. Here’s why: You want to know the other person. Guess what you need?
You need a nice place to talk.
Even if you watch a romantic movie together, you still go home without knowing your date. All you’ll remember is the movie. The movie theater is the last place to talk because everybody wants you to be quiet.
It’s not that it isn’t fun. On the contrary, you can have a great time together.
But think with me: You go on dates to learn if you could eventually start a relationship with that person. While it’s nice to have fun together, going to the movies on the first date will leave you clueless.
Save the movie theater for later in your relationship.
3. Nightclub.
Nightclubs are great for meeting new people, but not for a first date.
What’s worse: Nobody goes to a nightclub alone. People normally go in groups. That is barely a date; it feels more like you invited your date to your friend’s plans. When you take your date to a nightclub, they’ll think you didn’t put in any effort (because you probably didn’t).
Here are some other reasons why nightclubs don’t work on first dates:
- There’s loud music, so you can’t talk.
- You risk someone else hitting on you or your date.
- You might drink too much and do things you regret.
While going to your place is too intimate, nightclubs are the opposite. They don’t give you enough room to know each other. Nightclubs might be fun when you already know your date, but not at the start.
What matters most.
Now, you know what places you should avoid. That’s a great start: Knowing what not to do is just as important as knowing what to do. But that still doesn’t tell you how to have a remarkable first date.
It comes down to two questions:
- What’s your intention? Your date depends on what you expect from the other person. If you want a serious relationship, you’ll act one way. If you want a one-night stand, you’ll act another way. The first step is to find out what you want.
- Can you talk in this place? The first date is where you get to know the other person. So find a quiet place where both parties feel comfortable to talk. That means no loud music, comfortable chairs, and enough time, so you don’t rush things.
Remarkable dates often come from doing the basics right. Most people don’t reflect on what makes a good date; they act randomly. That’s why it’s not so difficult to stand out.
The first date is as valuable as gold because your date wants to answer one question: Will there be a second date?
If you want to be remarkable, choose a place that makes you comfortable. Don’t forget to do your research: Ask your date what they like and do your best to make them comfortable.
First dates are about exchanging information. That means your priority should be to listen. But don’t forget communication goes both ways: You also have to open up to your partner.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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