Do you want to know something that is beginning to become the norm?
Complaining.
“Everything sucks”, even though we have more control over our surroundings than we have ever had in human history.
I hear it more than ever in dating and relationships.
We complain about the unrealistic standards, the people available in the market, and our current experiences.
I am with you to some degree, but let’s not act like there is no room to factor in our choices as we navigate the current market.
What if I told you some things you are going through that you think are negatives can have a positive spin if you look at them through a new lens?
Yes, you heard it here first. Everything does not indeed suck.
Everything does suck when you look at it with a sour view.
If that doesn’t make sense, let’s dig into a few mindset changes that can switch all the things you might think suck so much.
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Can’t find anyone
Have you gone out on a few dates and found that you did not vibe with any of those people?
It can be somewhat frustrating, right? I used to think that was true too.
Instead of being so upset, let’s think about the positives instead.
Let’s have a moment to get real first.
Most of us have slept with someone out of boredom, a “dry spell,” or for fun, even if we weren’t necessarily into that person.
The fact that you have stopped doing that as you look for a connection is a reason to pat yourself on the back.
You have grown to learn your boundaries and needs.
Instead of accepting your external surroundings, you have finally drawn a hard line in the sand for what you will take internally.
Congratulations, for real!
Remember that date that sucked because the person had no sense of direction, goals, or any sense of humor?
Remember how you refused to see that person again and moved on with your life?
Good.
I don’t understand why it has to be such a negative. Does it suck that you put on your best outfit, “wasted” a Friday night, and met someone lame? Sure?
Is it good that you didn’t settle while finding a partner? Yes
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You’re in a slump
My next point comes as a result of the previous bullet point.
You have gone out on multiple dates and have not found a connection, and therefore you think you are missing some milestone.
Answer this question.
When was the last time you had a connection with someone?
Answer that.
Now think about this. Why are you able to answer that question? Who cares.
Now I won’t be delusional. Of course, we don’t want to be content with the hopeless feeling of not finding a connection with anyone or act like that connection won’t bring happiness.
What we also don’t want to do is put a tracker on that time frame as if it is somehow a reflection of your success in the dating market.
You will then become addicted to tracking that time and can end up unhappier as a result of filling that void with someone from example one.
Being alone does not mean that you have to be lonely.
Being lonely does not mean that you should fill that void with someone.
It creates negative energy in both of your lives.
You are not in a slump. You are becoming reliant on the thought that someone out there will come into your life and make it better.
Don’t expect someone to come into your life and make you happier if you are not satisfied with yourself beforehand.
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I only attract…
I hear this last point all the time.
I only attract; losers, boring people, low-energy, etc.
The truth is you only attract what you are and what you surround yourself with and allow into your life.
You settle.
Now there is somewhat of a factor of geographic location that has some influence on who is available to you. I have lived in small towns myself.
If you are in that small town or group-thinking type of city and that is not your personality, don’t you think there is someone of your interest who shares that thought?
If you place yourself in an environment that suits your personality, you’ll meet someone.
It takes extra effort, but you have to get out of your comfort zone and join social activities or clubs curated to meet your favorite activities.
You have not expanded yourself enough to avoid “ only meeting XYZ.”
You also go out to meet someone fitting the mold of what you want, and you fail to enjoy the moment.
So yes, you might only meet overly eager people who over-analyze every person they meet.
Chill.
Go out and focus on having a good time, even if your ideal outcome is to meet someone that night.
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These mental changes are simple.
Change your perspective on everything you think is wrong, and remember that you’ll always have yourself.
You have to love who that person is.
That person has to be unforgiving about their needs, not living on some timeline based on external expectations, and lastly, not desperate.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: GRAHAM MANSFIELD on Unsplash