Things hit home when I came across a Mark Manson quote in Instagram:
And for good measure, he had us repeat the quote a good 9 times. You are right there Mark, thank you!
While I was aware of my tendency of chasing after emotionally/physically unavailable people for ages, I for once wanted to get to the root of the issue with all honesty.
I knew, I was attracted to them. I knew it was fear of abandonment that drove my decisions by may be there are certain traits that made me “comfortable” being or fantasizing unavailable people.
I wanted to find out.
I am guilty of putting myself through “almost” relationships while being in love with the person in my mind (to be honest, the person did not even know my feelings in a lot of instances).
I believed love was the pain, the insecurity I feel from questioning myself “what would my world be without them?” and I have to pursue them earnestly to “prove” them that I am a worthy candidate they can consider to forge a relationship with.
Deciding to take several steps back I sat down with my notebook and pen, talked to my therapist, asked myself some uncomfortable questions. Questions I was running away from or drowning them away with thoughts of the person and found some answers
. . .
#1 I thought they would hate the real me
I have anxiety. And the fear of saying something or doing something wrong that could hurt anyone drove my everyday decisions.
I worked hard with new people or my dates to project myself as someone who is funny, cheerful. And reconsidered my boundaries to fit into a mould.While these are indeed facets of my personality, I did use the, to run away from questions that made me uncomfortable. Or answers to which I felt would make the person asking it feel uncomfortable.
So I brushed off questions like with vague or non conflicting answers. I would say “I am looking to go with the flow” instead of “I am looking for a relationship” when the question was about “what I look for in a realtionship”. The root of this problem was that I was unable to get into a conflicting situation and the thought of being honest and as scafsd the shit out of me.
Root cause:
Yes there is the upbringing I can trace it to. All through childhood having to work to earn the approval of a parent. I am working on this in therapy.
#2 I was being perseverent till no end
People who have been denied of affection for a really long duration will realize the repeated hurt itself gives us immunity to it.
So with each unavailable person we meet, the efforts only keep increasing. It’a this game you are given another chance to play and the thrill of winning it for once drives you. According to Seth Meyers in Psychology Today, while a woman keeps taking chances,
And I wanted to show this person, I was all that. Alas, who has time for all this.
Root cause: I have low self-esteem issues. I have again believed I earn the love, I have to prove my worth to be loved instead of being open to people who are ready to give it.
. . .
#3 The insecurity made them attractive
It the familiarity of left wondering of my place in their life instead of having a good communication gave me the jitters. I was attracted to them. I was aware it was mostly in my head but I relied on the “spark” I used to have with the person as an anchor.
I would never mind initiating the conversations, never minded just replies to my questions instead of a conversation. If it were my friend, all hells would have broken loose. My obsession with unrequited love and imaginary relationship was harming me and the person in a lot of ways. I was in love with the idea of being in love than the person itself. That was toxic on all levels.
I was trying to prove a point, to assure myself we were on talking terms, while I failed to see the person may not be interested or ready for a relationship now.
Root cause : Letting assumptions creep in and holding false beliefs on love. Giving more importance to being attracted to someone as an indication I have found the right person. It was all one sided.
. . .
Changing my definition of love helped me
A friend of mine advised me to stop being a giver and open up to being a receiver for once. While I was basking in my his compliments, I realized it was time for me to unlearn someone definition of love or relationships I had.
To let go some assumptions I made watching endless rom-coms from a ripe old age of 12.
Final thoughts
I realized I will truly love people or will be loved in proportion to how honest I was being to myself and to the people I meet. Here are my point for you:
1. As a first step I stopped being do hard on myself and accepted its a work in progress.
2. I replaced with “You have to earn your place in someone’s life to be loved” with “I will let go of my urge to compete for affection and observe we want from each other.”
3. I am working on honestly conveying my thoughts if there is a repeated lack of communication
4. I am revising my non-negotiables and boundaries
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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