Question: I am involved with a woman. She is WAY out of my league, but we have been intimate now for 2 years. She’s married and I can’t seem to get her to leave the husband. She says her marriage is over, but she wants to stay 2 more YEARS until her kids are done with high school…until then it is hook-ups and texts for me. I love her, should I wait? Should I move on?
Answer: Here are 3 reasons why I believe an affair with this woman isn’t the answer to a happy fulfilling life for you:
- First is this an open marriage where sex outside the primary relationship is agreed upon? You say she’s ‘over’ it, so I’m thinking this a secret, yes? If it’s a secret, then in my books this is NOT cool, not noble, not honest and the foundation of the whole arrangement is out of integrity. When you say she’s ‘WAY out of my league’ this says to me that you are coming from insecurity. Nobility doesn’t do superior/inferior, he honors himself and all of the Universe’s creatures. Plus going for a woman who’s not available says to me that you’re not confident in your worth, and not ready to commit. You’re not willing to honor yourself thus you’ve found a woman that isn’t honoring you either (or her husband).
- Second, let’s say you wait the 2 years. Who’s to say she’s not going to have an affair on you? Who’s to say she doesn’t have another guy right now that she hooks up with in addition to you? Who’s to say that her husband doesn’t find out and this whole thing blows up? The foundation for successful relationship is honesty, honor and a willingness that when things get uncomfortable, to lean into the fire and work things out or move on with kindness and respect.
- Third, personally I think she’s using you. You’re convenient. It sounds like she knows you will show up for a hook up. Yet you don’t get to be open in public, you don’t get to be free. Love, I think you’re settling. Ultimately you have to ask yourself if this relationship overall is a contribution to your life or not. And ask if you’re staying because you’re unwilling to feel the discomfort of being alone, or you’re addicted to the sex, or hook up attention is better than no attention. If you move on, and breathe through the discomfort, you will grow in strength, worth and faith. And you would make room for a woman who would love to be with you, committed, right now.
Yet this issue isn’t a quick ‘should I stay or should I go?’ Honestly I recommend getting an intimacy coach like me or a relationship coach whom you trust. This pattern will only repeat itself unless you do the deep work to heal the part of your heart that thinks it’s only worth hook ups and texts.
It’s time for a deep intimate honest relationship with yourself first. It’s time not to just think you deserve more, but KNOW and embody and BE the noble badass that quietly calmly confidently knows he deserve more and is willing to wait for it, and willing to do whatever it takes to find it. It’s time to heal the part of you willing to have a relationship based on secrets and develop the part of you that’s ready to commit to your values, your worth and your dream.
I recommend your intention for relationship be a healthy, hot, fulfilling, nourishing, expansive intimate partnership. I recommend you download my www.GetHerToSayYes.com complementary report and video series right now. I recommend you take a one month sabbatical detox from her and sign up for an intensive coaching partnership to heal your heart, guide you into a solid partnership with your SELF and then from noble discernment and clarity, decide what your inner King is going to do with this situation.
Deep down once you can hear that small still voice, you will have cultivated the courage and self respect to make your highest choice. Great love, Allana xoxo
Photo: www.Flickr.com Kris Kesiak