Ah, toxic girlfriends. From Clueless to Mean Girls to Gossip Girl (is it Pretty Little Liars now?), do these only appear in the teenage years?
No.
These appear through to adulthood, from college/university to the workplace to motherhood to old age (who’s a better grandma?).
Granted, a lot of that nastiness starts in high school and I think some women just never learned their lesson.
I wish my mom was able to guide me during this time but friendships and relationships weren’t exactly dinner table topics.
So as a record for my daughter (and for anyone else who values good friendships), here are some of my own lessons.
At 16, I was a self-centred, self-absorbed, jealous-laden and gossipy girl who was deeply insecure and constantly competing with her friends to be better than them…and at the same time, struggling privately to manage her depression, self-harm and disordered eating.
In Grade 10, I got a boyfriend and became one of those girls who leaves all her friends to become the girlfriend of X.
My friends weren’t toxic. They didn’t put on a fake smile and pretend to like me while spreading rumours.
I chose good friends but I was the one who became toxic. They told me to my face that they could not hang out with me anymore because I wasn’t making them a priority. Cut and dry.
Then, after the boyfriend left, I had no one.
Pretty harsh but I’m grateful for that experience because, without it, I never would have known how to avoid being a toxic friend.
How did I manage to make friends again?
The time spent alone allowed me to self-reflect on my behaviour and discover what it means to be a good friend. And the lessons I learned changed how I make friends, how I maintain those friendships and how I end them, all the way through to motherhood.
I’m a firm believer that people who give advice should also be the people who follow it. Practice what you preach, sister!
So to quote my friend (after having spent a weekend in Whistler to celebrate my stagette):
I’m not the “perfect” friend so I have some signs that I watch in myself to avoid becoming a toxic one.
Comparing Your Friend’s Stresses To Your Own
Have you said or thought this? I know I have.
Everyone has issues.
Everyone experiences stress differently.
Everyone has a different tolerance for each type of stress.
This expectation should be the foundation of every relationship.
And if you are truly friends with someone, you would understand who they are, what issues stress them out, how they tolerate stress and why certain problems affect them more than others.
You would have compassion when listening to them, empathizing and appreciating the situation your friend is in, validating their emotions and recognizing their unique challenges.
How To Manage This Behaviour
So when I catch myself saying something (either in my head or to someone else) that minimizes my friend’s issue by comparing it to my own, I’ll do some self-reflection to understand why I’m doing that.
What is going on with me at the moment that is making me feel insecure enough to compare? How can I emotionally detach myself so that I can become objective in the conversation?
My problems are my problems.
Her problems are her problems.
Keep it simple.
Feeling Joy When Your Friend Feels Sorrow
How do you feel when a friend tells you that something unfortunate happened to them?
Be honest with yourself. Does your lip start to twitch? Do you take pleasure in hearing your friend’s bad news? Do you savour every detail?
Have you said or thought this deep down inside? I know I have.
It’s as though whatever bad news your friend experiences is justified. Perhaps you don’t think she deserves all the good things that she has in her life and needs a dose of humility.
But let’s be honest, you’re merely projecting your own unhappiness onto someone else. I know that’s what I’m usually doing.
There are times when we get stuck in a negative mindset because life is fucking hard. I mean talk about money issues, relationship issues, career issues, health issues and the list goes on. Take your pick!
And we get into this “woe is me” mentality where our fears and insecurities take over and nothing can fix whatever ails us. So when something shitty happens to our friends, it’s tempting to enjoy watching their pain.
How To Manage This Behaviour
So when I catch myself taking pleasure in a friend’s misfortune, I re-assess my own life and begin to practice gratitude for having a friend who can be vulnerable with me, for the opportunity to support someone through their pain and for the fact that it did not happen to me.
The shift in mindset takes practice but once it changes, I feel like a weight has been lifted off me.
How To Avoid Making Toxic Friends
I purposely surround myself with women who exude compassion, humility and integrity, and those who bring their authentic selves every time we connect. I am incredibly grateful for my friends.
Look For Drama-Free Friends
When I make friends, I like to look for someone who is drama-free. What does drama-free mean?
A person who is drama-free does NOT mean someone who does not have problems or someone who is always happy or stress-free or calm. Everyone has issues.
Drama-free means someone who is completely confident and secure with themselves to express their emotions and problems in a productive way. They DO NOT project their own issues onto others by spreading rumours or gossip about them as a way to make themselves feel better.
When they talk about their friends, they come from a place of good intentions.
For instance, if they talk to you about a conflict they had with their friend, they talk about it in a mature manner. They do not bait you into trash talk especially if you are also friends with this other person. Their expected outcome of the conversation is to have their emotions validated with a sense of clarity about what happened and perhaps a plan to help bridge the gap in their friendship.
Avoid Passive Aggressive Bait Droppers
I hate passive-aggressive bait droppers. WTF are those?
Let me give you an example:
Those are the people who love being the special person who tells all the gossipy stories and knows all the ins and outs of everyone’s lives and spread that shit like napalm.
They’ll act like they don’t know anything about anyone, downplaying how connected they really are (Oh I haven’t seen so and so forever) but they actually do.
And when they start their fucking stories, they’ll bait you into talking shit about other people which in turn, fuels their fire.
Don’t become friends with these people (or become one). Trust me, I’ve been burned (another story, another time).
Avoid Flaky Friends
I think this one is a pretty obvious one and hopefully, if you’re around my age you would have learned that in your 20’s.
You make plans, they cancel last minute. You make plans again, they cancel again. Strike three and they’re out.
Don’t waste my time because I don’t have a lot of that.
So Readers, do you exhibit some of these toxic friend tendencies? What do you do to manage them? How do you avoid making toxic friends?
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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.
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