Let’s call him Mr. X. I was up half the night, tossing and turning because I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Every now and then he pops into my mind like an intruder. Usually, it’s spurred on by something I’ve watched on TV and a single trigger like that can start me down the dangerous rabbit hole of reliving memories of Mr. X.
More accurately, obsessing.
Earlier on, post-breakup getting over him was hard. It seemed like no one could help me and worse, I couldn’t help myself. My friends tried, bless their hearts.
My friends meant well. They love me and they were well-intentioned but their advice never helped me. It was the typical advice you hear all the time from the self-help world and relationship experts with fancy PhDs: get a rebound fling; don’t get one; write down all their negative qualities; delete all your pictures of them, etc.
The tips and tricks didn’t have long-lasting effects. They were average at best. After a while, I found myself back at the beginning, complaining and frustrated at how I wasn’t over Mr. X. I could tell I was starting to get on their nerves because of this toxic mind-loop.
We’ve all been that friend too. Nothing we say is getting through to the other person. We feel helpless and discouraged. And honestly, their relentless misery starts getting a bit old.
When you’re in the throes of despair, there’s nothing worse than knowing that you’re annoying the people around you. You can hear them sigh and almost brace themselves because you’re still stuck in an emotional pit. You’re managing your heartbreak whilst managing your friends’ and family’s feelings towards it too. Pulling double-duty this way means you’re not devoting enough time as you need to the healing process.
Eventually, your friend will get over him or her. E-V-E-N-T-U-A-L-L-Y. In their own time. That’s the thing we don’t want to realize. Breakups are a form of grief: a relationship has died. When someone close to your friend dies, why are we more patient with our grieving friend than we are when our friend is grieving the death of a relationship?
No one can really help you get over a breakup. Unfortunately, that’s something we have to do all on our own. Our loved ones can support us though. The right support can make all the difference in the world. It’s the difference between feeling like someone has your back and going through trauma alone.
…
“He was never The One”
I heard this one a lot from my closest mates. Sometimes we know he wasn’t right for us but that doesn’t make the heartbreak any easier. Dismissing your friend’s pain just adds to their pain. Deep down, I knew Mr. X wasn’t The One but knowing all ties with him were cut off still hurt because I missed him.
You can still miss something that wasn’t right or good for you.
Here’s what to say instead
“Look, maybe he was The One, and maybe he wasn’t. You may know or don’t know so that’s still up for debate.
What’s not debatable, though, are two facts. Firstly, the fact is that they’re not in your life anymore. That sucks. And missing them sucks too.”
…
“They were an asshole. You’re better off without them.”
This one actually hurts your poor friend more than you realize. You’re effectively criticizing their ability to judge someone’s character. If their ex was an asshole, well what does that say about them for falling for an asshole?!
It’s noble that you want your friend to stop romanticizing the ex and start seeing them for who they really were (even if they were an asshole).
The thing is, it’s always better for your friend to diss their ex first, not you. If they reach a stage in their grieving process where they want to trash their ex, by all means, join in on the fun. But don’t initiate it.
Here’s what to say instead
“Make a list of what you really value in a partner. Then make a list of all your ex’s qualities and values. Study those differences. Sometimes we need to look at things more logically than through a rose-colored lens because our hearts need a little more time to catch up with our brain.”
…
“Stop thinking about him. It just makes it worse.”
I believe to get over something, you have to go through it, not around it, or bypass it. We’re taught to avoid pain as much as possible. Discomfort isn’t a phase that most people embrace. We become uncomfortable when we see people with their uncomfortable feelings. Our inclination is to want to alleviate it.
While that is valid for some situations, for most pertaining to the heart, processing tragedy is good. It’s okay to wallow as a transition phase in the stages of loss, not a destination.
Here’s what to say instead
“It’s okay if you need to go through the heartache to get over it. Purging is normal. Take all the time you need.”
…
Final Thoughts
Most people just want to feel secure knowing that they’re being heard and their emotions are valid. Your friend knows they’re being a pain in the ass when they bring up Mr. X for the hundredth time. For some people and in some relationships grieving is quicker and easier than for others. When you don’t know what to say, sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all.
How our hearts deal with breakups is illogical. It can spark the craziest behavior and wildest insecurities in people.
While your friend is dissecting and processing the end of their love, the most important thing they need from you is the reassurance that they won’t lose your friendship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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