It seems counterintuitive, but sometimes being focused on giving a woman pleasure can be all about the male partner.
By Ginny Brown
We’re starting to talk more about giving equal weight to women’s pleasure in man/woman sexual encounters, and that’s awesome.
As a woman, you’d think I’d be all for focusing more on women’s pleasure in sex. And I am – mostly.
Sometimes, though, I’ll hear a hetero guy talking about how important women’s pleasure is, and it leaves me cringing. Worse yet, sometimes I’ve had sex with men who said they were all about my pleasure – and in a sense, they were – yet I still ended up feeling like their feelings and needs were more important than my actual experiences.
In this article, I’ll be discussing three ways “I love giving a woman pleasure!” can still be all about the male partner. I’ll also talk about what to do if you experience this or think you might be doing it.
Two quick notes before we get into it, though.
First, in my experience, this is very much a gendered phenomenon in a heterocentric culture: It has its roots in toxic masculinity and expectations about how men and women relate to each other. I just haven’t experienced the same thing in queer relationships, or heard it talked about.
For that reason, I’m going to be using binary and heterocentric language through most of this piece. (However, “woman” and “man” are absolutely meant to include trans women and trans men who experience these things.) If you have thoughts about similar dynamics in queer relationships, we’d love to hear about them!
Second, a note for hetero men reading this: You’re likely to feel some anxiety and defensiveness as you go through this – if you haven’t already. And that’s okay. I’m going to have more to say to you at the end. Just stick with me!
Nothing that I’m about to say is a mark of a terrible person. It’s just a mark of the ways toxic masculinity impacts all areas of our lives, including sexuality.
So, here are three ways that “I love giving a woman pleasure!” can actually be not-so-great for the woman.
1. The Focus Is Still On His Achievement
Toxic masculinity says that a man is only as good as what he can accomplish.
When it comes to sex, this can often mean “To be a man, I have to achieve orgasm/ejaculation” or “I have to win as many sex partners as I can.”
These days, it can also mean “I have to give my partner the most intense pleasure possible.” Because if she has a body-shaking orgasm, it’s a mark of his skill and prowess. And if she doesn’t have an orgasm at all, it feels like a personal failure to him.
For the female partner, this can turn into yet another way she has to perform emotional labor. When her experience of pleasure becomes tied to his ego, then she often feels pressure to have a big, showy orgasm for him… even if that’s not how her body works.
Instead of genuinely connecting with her body and experiencing the pleasure that’s there for her in the moment, she can become anxious about whether she’s satisfying him with her show of pleasure.
This whole dynamic makes it hard to connect in true intimacy in the moment. Instead, sex becomes a performance for both parties.
Sometimes it becomes literally a performance, when the woman fakes more pleasure than she feels (up to and including orgasm) so that her partner won’t get upset.
In addition to the pressure it puts on both parties, the “her pleasure is his accomplishment” attitude has an ugly power side to it, wherein the woman’s body becomes something for the man to manipulate.
A statement like “I love making a woman [scream, come, writhe, whatever]” carries an implication that sexual pleasure is something that he does to her, rather than a gift from her own body which he helps draw out.
2. He’s Still Primarily Focused On His Own Enjoyment
This is another way in which a female partner’s pleasure can become more about what it does for the man.
Rather than being about feeding his sense of accomplishment, though, it’s about giving him visual enjoyment. The woman may feel pressure to perform pleasure visibly – making more noises, moving more intensely – because he likes looking at it.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with finding it hot when your partner is clearly gripped by ecstasy – of course not! But sometimes the erotic enjoyment of the other person becomes more of a focus than the pleasure you’re actually experiencing.
This is especially a danger for women, who are socialized to prioritize “looking good to male eyes” over their own experiences and comfort.
Male partners may be completely unaware of how, if they talk a lot about how much they enjoy seeing a woman orgasm, how hot a particular noise or movement she makes in pleasure is, and so on, they may be setting up a sense of “do this for my pleasure” in their female partner.
3. He’s Looking for a Gold Star
When I told a friend I was writing this article, she mentioned how some men will brag about how much they looove performing cunnilingus. And I laughed – because I knew just what she was talking about.
There’s a special attitude, that I’ve heard often, where a man talks about enjoying a sex act where the woman’s pleasure is the focus.
Someone can say “I like being spanked” and just be telling you some information about themselves. But when a man says “I like going down on a woman,” there’s very often a subtext of “Doesn’t that make me awesome?”
Even while talking positively about women’s pleasure, this reinforces the idea that giving a woman pleasure is above and beyond the norm.
I want my partners to desire and appreciate my pleasure. I want my enjoyment to be rewarding for them, just as their enjoyment is rewarding for me.
But when my pleasure gets treated as something they deserve extra credit for, all the positive feelings are erased. I start to feel like I’m supposed to be grateful for the fact that they actually care if I’m having a good time.
So let me be clear about this: I deserve pleasure from my sexual encounters. So does every woman, and every non-binary person (and, of course, every man – but in our culture, that’s usually taken for granted).
Having a partner who cares whether I’m having a good time is not a treat, and it’s not something to be grateful for. It’s baseline.
Important note: This does not mean that a partner of mine, of any gender, has to do things that they don’t like or feel uncomfortable with to please me. Their comfort and satisfaction is just as important as mine, and full consent comes before pleasure on all sides.
The point, in all of these cases, is that when we emphasize women’s pleasure, we need to really be emphasizing women’s pleasure – not ways that women’s pleasure makes men feel great or look great.
Advice for Women Thinking, ‘Yes! I Know That Feeling!’
First of all, your experiences are valid.
We’re so used to a world that tells us our pleasure is unimportant or wrong, that it can feel really ungrateful to think, “I appreciate that you’re so invested in my orgasm, but that actually isn’t what I want, and your insistence is making me feel crappy.”
You don’t have to be grateful for someone’s good intentions if they’re ignoring what you actually want and need.
How to talk about it with your partner depends a lot on the closeness of the relationship and how you usually deal with tough conversations with them. But if they’re someone you plan on having sex with again, it’s probably worth bringing up.
If there’s a specific behavior, you could address that, with something like “I don’t actually need or want to orgasm every time we have sex” or “When you talk about how hot I look, it actually takes me out of myself and makes me self-conscious instead of being able to enjoy the moment.”
A great sexual relationship is born out of communication and giving and taking of feedback.
If it’s not one specific thing, but more a general feeling, you might try having a broader conversation about the ways masculinity and femininity impact sexual experience.
Talking about how women feel pressure to be and look sexy, while men feel pressure to perform and accomplish (and exploring to what extent those dynamics are true for each of you), could be an eye-opening conversation for both of you.
And of course, you don’t owe anybody sexual availability. You can put as much or as little effort into fixing this as feels worthwhile to you, and it’s fine to walk away from a sexual relationship that isn’t working for you.
Advice for Men Thinking, ‘Oh Shit – This Might Be Me!’
Remember, none of this is about whether you’re a good person or not. Our culture’s messages affect us all, and learning how to grow past them is a huge part of becoming our best selves.
When you feel anxious that you’re not “accomplishing” your partner’s pleasure well enough, remember that that’s toxic masculinity talking.
Your partner’s pleasure is for them first. Your most important job, when it comes to helping your partner enjoy sex, is to be attentive to what they want.
Sometimes an explosive orgasm is not what your partner wants. Sometimes they know that mild shudders of pleasure are the most their body has to offer that day. Whatever it is, work on learning how to quiet that ego and really listen to what your partner is expressing.
Take the pressure off yourself to be the perfect lover.
Sure, it’s nice to think of ourselves as providing an unforgettable sexual experience for our partners, being the best they’ve ever had. But despite what culture has probably been telling you, your worth is not determined by whether you’re the best lay (or the best anything).
***
The best sexual encounters, in my experience, happen when everybody involved comes as they are and gives open attention to what the other person is bringing.
It’s easier, in some ways, to play the roles and enact the tropes we’ve all been taught. But when you do the work to be authentic, vulnerable, and attentive, it’s so worth it.
–
Originally appeared at Everyday Feminism
Ginny Brown is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism, as well as a speaker and educator specializing in sexuality and relationships. She writes for various publications and has her own blog here. She lives in the Philadelphia area with her poly family and three cats. Follow her on Twitter @lirelyn.
Photo: Flickr/Georgie Pauwels
*lashing out
If feminism is meant to fight sexism, it doesn’t help the cause to have sexist feminists.
Before criticizing other people for something they don’t even know is offending you, we should first look into ourselves and try to determine whether we are being fair and objective, or are just leaving out due to our own prejudices. Feminists who are sexist are not helping their own cause.
This article is an example of the assumption that “there must be something wrong with men, even the good ones” and then embarking on an epic journey to find faults in men that they were not aware of. But the author’s REAL search should be asking herself why she is so angry that she finds cause to judge men not for something they did wrong, but for something they’re trying to do right and good. It’s as if the sexism is assumed in everything men do, and she makes up a reason why something is sexist.
Okay, this has got to be some sort of mental illness.
You want the big O but it’s still bad when man tries his damnest to please the heck out of you?
Seriously… No sane person thinks like that!
Since author of this article is never happy no matter how it goes, she can go fix her own paradox by marrying a dildo.
This piece is indicative of social engineering rum amuck.
S.I. said it best above,
“We all have to stop keeping score and just enjoy.”
Keep it simple. Just learn to enjoy the pleasure, bonding, and intimacy that comes from a healthy sexual dynamic. Hopefully, we are all in it for mutually satisfying benefits.
Men shouldn’t care so much about pleasing women in the first place. Sex mores are NOT focused on male pleasure. Not even in the most backwatds cultures. All of them deliberately frustrate men & boys. Many surgically. Call that violence & sexism before you whine about women getting off too much
But now you know why Africaan matriarchies snip girls.
So my other comment is stuck in moderation….scared to address it?
I feel like this is for newer relationships. I’m married 17 years. The idea of putting an orgasm on grand display or faking it for my husband of all these years seems silly. I simply would never do that. Either I got pleasured or I didn’t and we very openly talk about it. I appreciate the sentiments of this article- but I also feel like it is slightly overthinking. It is okay if my man gets pleasure out of knowing he pleasured me. I’m okay with that. I don’t want to take that away from him. We all have to… Read more »
Thank you, S.I.
The verdict of this article seems to be that as a (heterosexual) man, trying your best and be caring about your partner and her pleasure is really an offense!
But if that is so, I really have to ask the author: What is the alternative, and is that really better for anyone invloved?
@ S.I.
“I don’t want to take that away from him”
Thank you for so eloquently putting into words my thoughts. Some things in life are win / win. I’m not sure why for some you must lose for me to win. That’s not how relationships should be.
I’m not sure why women must lose for you to win, too, little John. But you should stop being like that, starting by comprehending women should own their own bodies and be their own owners, condening marital rape.
It’s great that your offering free pointers to men on how you think they should not employ a toxic masculinity in our relationships.
But when was the last time you actually cared about giving pleasure to a sexual partner of yours?
Most women think about giving pleasure to their sexual partners most of the times, and most men get it every single time they have sex with women.
Now when it comes to men giving pleasure to women…
Yeah, I agree with much of the commentary. I think this is yet another example of advice from a typically feminist perspective. It’s not that it doesn’t contain truths, or that it isn’t useful discussion, it’s that it presumes a reality in which, for lack of better terminology, it’s all men’s fault. Men created the patriarchy, created the rules, and therefore we are responsible for making things right while women are innocent of everything. So, even when men are doing something right, they must be doing it for the wrong reasons, because they are inherently selfish, and women are inherently… Read more »
very nice Paul.
you said it with much less snark than my moderated input -:)
Women aren’t passive. They statistically give more oral sex/hand jobs than receive + have intercourse even when they aren’t that willing or already got off, just to please men.
Men give oral sex/fingering much less frequently, won’t give penetration (maybe with fingers or a dildo) after he got off… they are just utterly selfish and phallocentric.
That’s why most men orgasm every single time while most women do not.
There could have been a good idea here, but as usual the author only went as far as “SEXISM AND TOXIC MASCULINITY” and stopped there.
It worse than that. I thought I was doing good by trying to have her get hers first because that usually takes longer than me getting mine and she could probably go twice if I lasted that long. It could also be a weird sexist assumption of the author. Some men have no problem going down on a woman and many guys would rather go down on her than have her go down on him. I think she assumes that if a guy does oral on his girlfriend he doesn’t enjoy it. Men are not all about the orgasm.
” It could also be a weird sexist assumption of the author. ” Of course it is. Do you notice what’s completely absent from this entire article? Men. The author is working entirely on her own assumptions and those of her female friends. Does she bother to actually ask any men what might be going through their heads? No. Because as a woman, of course she knows what men think. She presumes authority to dictate to men what our own mindset is (not that that’s anything new in feminist discussions of course, you see it all the time) and then… Read more »
I hope this comes across as only mildly serious, because that’s the tone I’m hoping for. So anyway, something about this bothered me a bit. Just a bit, but enough that I wanted to figure out what exactly bugged me. I mean, I get that this could be a problem, and I get that even though it might not be widespread or applicable to everyone, it can still be worth talking about to the extent that it is sexist or a manifestation of toxic masculinity. But there’s the rub, at least for me. I don’t think t case was made… Read more »
Reading too deeply into the psychology of humanity and judging the whole based on the actions of a few is what creates problems like this. I love to make my girlfriend scream. I love to love her and let our bodies melt together. There is no competition. There is no ‘gold star’ either of us are trying to achieve, except in each other’s eyes. The “implications” that some women here and cringe— those are either predetermined reactions to prior poor events, or poorly assumed intentions of an otherwise decent man. It’s difficult to tackle topics like this when it truly… Read more »
Toxic masculinity means masculinity gone wrong. It doesn’t mean “masculinity is toxic”. Just like saying toxic food – it doesn’t mean “food is toxic” – just that some kinds of food can be toxic.
For a one time hook up it’s fine, if after having awesome sex, the guy’s lying there busy patting himself on the back. But with a partner, it makes me feel like my body is just an instrument to play out his ego on, the sex didn’t really have anything to do with me as a person. I want sex with my partner to be warm and bonding and bringing ego into it does the opposite.
@ Laura R,
In other words,
For casual sex guy,
“For a one time hook up it’s fine, if after having awesome sex, the guy’s lying there busy patting himself on the back”
But for husband/partner,
“I want sex with my partner to be warm and bonding and bringing ego into it does the opposite.”
Again, it is the double standard….set the bar very low for some clown you don’t care about. But, set the bar very high for your partner..
Sometimes, I truly wonder why we men even bother…Why can’t your partner get a free pass too?
Do you want her to care about bonding and warm feelings of love with the casual partners she has one time hookups?!
Laura R,
So any man deciding to tie the knot with you, will actually be held to a stricter standard and regimen than any guy who would casually pass by your bed?
Wow, I’ve never heard a woman actually admit that so freely before.
Why do you think it’s LESS of an ego stroke for a one-time guy, than it would be for a guy who has pledged his everlasting love for you?
This just doesn’t make sense on any level whatsoever…
I certainly hope you will be upfront with this requirement beforehand to any prospective partner.
@ FlyingKal,
Hi FlyingKal!!
“This just doesn’t make sense on any level whatsoever…”
None at all…
This is the thing that causes me to just bristle to be honest.
Wow, talk about “damned if ya do and damned if ya don’t.” This is freaking crazy.
You’re not kidding! According to this ,I’ve been doing it all wrong(helping the wife toward the big O) for the last 40 years! After all this time though,I’m so set in my ways I don’t know if I could just leave it up to her to find her own pleasure.
I mean, who’d of thought that by helping her get an Orgasm, I was being ‘Toxically Masculine?
I think “toxically masculine” applies to the guy who after sex looks at his sweaty boneless partner and thinks”yeah look what I did!!!” and thinks he has to do that every time to be a man. Being a sweaty boneless mess is great, but not all the time because it’s exhausting. Sometimes just feeling loved is enough.
So you’d really prefer some guy who ‘gets his rocks off’ , rolls over and goes to sleep? hey, at least you know he’s not using your body to satisfy his ego right?
Hi Laura,
What about the woman, being a sweaty boneless mess, looking at her partner and thinking: “Wow! I’ve never felt anything like that before!” and then expecting him to do the same every single time, even when she’s giving him counterproductive feedback?
bobbt … you and I are in the same boat. It is interesting though that you and I have marriage of 40 years or so and we’re still going strong. Oh well, this old dog is set his ways as well. Maybe people should talk to us old timers who appear to know how to do things right?
I’ve got to say Tom, I feel like I’m in the twilight zone reading this article! Usually the complaint by women is their manNOT helping them reach the’ finish line’. When I’m with the Mrs. and she gets there, of course I feel proud of myself. I just helped bring an awesome feeling to the woman I love. What could be better?