Cheating is not cool. I thought I would get that out of the way first, so we’re all on the same page.
Yet I’ve done it, several times in my life. And studies show I’m not the only one.
Rates of unfaithfulness range from 20% of people in relationships to 70% depending on who you ask and what you count as cheating. It’s something we humans are pretty good at doing. So I thought it might be high time to shed some light on the matter, from one perspective at least — my own.
Hi, my name is Sarah Stroh and I’m a former cheataholic. Here are a few reasons why I’ve been unfaithful.
1. Cheating seemed better than breaking up.
At some point during my second year of college, I realized I didn’t love my boyfriend anymore.
But because we were basically living together (in the same suite with some friends) and summer break was imminent, breaking up felt like it would be more trouble than it was worth.
So I lived a double life. I pretended everything was okay when we were together. But when I went out with friends, I let myself flirt with guys and even went home with one or two, telling my boyfriend I slept over at the sorority house when I did.
My behavior was horrific.
But at the time, I’d convinced myself I was doing the right thing. I told myself it was better for everyone if I hooked up with other guys behind his back than it would be to break up.
We were each other’s first loves, and we’d sunk so much into us. Breaking up would have been too hard. Too messy. I was scared of his reaction, the effect it would have on our friend group.
The crazy thing about all of this is that, in comparison to other people, we actually had almost no skin in the game. It’s not like we were married or had children (thank God).
But I could very well see someone who did share a home, finances, and children with a partner seeing cheating as a much better solution than breaking up would be.
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2. The temptation was too strong.
Back to college again, a new love interest, Greg, and I had just decided to be exclusive; we wouldn’t hook up with other people. This was the first step on the way to a relationship.
I was excited, and with that excitement, I went to the local bar on campus with a girlfriend. There, I struck up a conversation with a tall, beautiful hockey player.
He was someone I would have only dreamed of hooking up with before, yet here he was, paying his full attention to little old me. I was overcome with desire for this man and when he went in for the kiss, I gave in.
Yes, I wanted to kiss him, but it was more than that.
It was so tempting to kiss him because I wanted to prove someone like him was capable of liking me. It was more about building up my own ego than it was about the actual kiss.
But in the end, I just felt worse about myself than I had before because I had to live with that guilt for the rest of my new relationship.
…
3. I wanted to sabotage my relationship.
Back when I was living in New York, my ex and I realized we were going to have to break up. In several months, I was going to move away from the city and we didn’t want to do long distance.
It was hard to come to terms with the fact that it was over in a matter of time, and it strained our relationship. I started to think it might make sense for us to break up, even though I wouldn’t leave for months.
During a bachelorette party in Las Vegas with some friends, I met a guy and, long-story-short, which you can read more about here, I ended up in his hotel room.
It was a mistake on all counts.
And I did it in part because afterward, I knew we would need to end things. At that point, I knew I didn’t want to be in a dishonest relationship, so if I cheated we would have to break up. It was sort of a way of locking myself into a decision I knew I wanted to make anyway. A form of self-sabotage.
And one might say it worked because I did end up breaking up with him the next week.
That said, I regret being unfaithful. Now looking back on the relationship, one that was good in so many ways, the memory of it all will always be sullied by that mistake. I wish I would have stayed true and broken up with him only because it was what I wanted, not because I cheated.
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4. I wanted to feel like Tony Soprano.
Throughout high school, I was always dissatisfied with my love life. I wanted someone who would commit to me, but the guys I liked only seemed to want to hook up and that was all.
I felt powerless in my romantic life for a long time.
So when I was in college, and I finally had a boyfriend, playing him was sort of a power trip. It was revenge on all the guys who didn’t want to commit to me before.
It made me feel like a badass, like Tony Soprano. He cheated on his wife regularly but the audience forgave him because he was otherwise a good guy. I thought I could do the same. I thought having something on the side made me powerful like the mob boss.
But lying is not powerful. It’s the opposite. It’s cowardly. A brave person, a powerful person stands behind their actions. They don’t hide behind a lie.
Either they hook up with other people or they say (as I eventually did), “I love you, but I might want to hook up with other people sometimes. Let’s try to have an open relationship.”
They don’t sneak around like a rodent, fucking other people and then pretending their partner is their one and only in every way and they could never desire another person. That’s fucking pathetic. Honestly.
There’s no reason all these people should be going around lying to each other just because they can’t be honest with themselves and stand behind what they really want out of love.
Anyway, I digress. Reel it in, Sarah. Reel it in.
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Final thoughts
Being in a relationship for a long time is hard. But you can make your relationship whatever you want it to be. You can be non-monogamous. You can go to therapy, read a book about love. Or you can just be single.
But you don’t have to cheat. Cheating is slimy. It’s cowardly. It’s totally not worth it.
How can you build a loving trusting relationship with someone when you are always hiding something? Once you hide one thing you have to hide another. You have to watch what you say.
You have to stick your foot in your mouth.
My partner and I love each other like crazy because we share how we feel and our deepest selves with each other. I’ve never felt so close with anyone in my life, and I would never want to compromise that.
In the end, you’re the only one who has to look at yourself in the mirror every day. When you do, what do you see? A snake or someone honorable who stands behind their actions. The choice is yours.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Author by Austin Fassino