I know what you’re feeling right now.
You’re in the middle of a relationship falling apart or seemingly ending.
You are racing to talk to friends and family and scouring the internet for answers to your unique situation.
Let me tell you something before we get started, and I do not mean this as an insult; your situation is most likely not unique to you.
One thing about breakups that causes us to panic is that we think that no one else is going through what we are or that we should be scared.
Sure, some relationships end and are irreparable, but even in those seemingly dark times, you have to understand that every relationship won’t work. You can move on.
On the flip side, taking a break or reevaluating a relationship does not have to be a negative experience.
What becomes negative and most likely a relationship killer is your reaction to the news.
You shouldn’t force yourself to be happy, but you shouldn’t drown in your sorrow.
A break or breakup is not the best sign for relationship longevity, but it isn’t the definitive outcome if you take the proper steps moving forward.
Start the race from the same place
The most common mistake is that when a relationship ends, you immediately go through the stages of grief.
The difference is that you and your partner start at two opposite ends.
You are shocked, and your whole world has turned upside down.
Your partner is on the other end, where they are relieved and accept the outcome.
Again, I am not expecting you to throw on your happy face and pretend you are not sad.
Step one is to accept what someone is asking you to allow them to do; step out of your life.
I know you have questions and want closure, but take a second to think about this; when someone has asked for a break from you, that is your closure right there.
You do not have to be happy with their choice, but the worst thing you can do is try to combat it and change their mind.
You will only reassure and strengthen their belief that they made the right choice.
The quicker you get to acceptance, the less time you will deal with the other components of grief.
Monkey see Monkey do
It is hard to put the phone down and resist the urge to text and call the person.
The exact opposite is true for gaining the person’s attraction back.
The second thing you need to do is have the power to walk away.
There are only two texts you should be sending this person:
- Text 1: I understand your decision, and although I think we can fix this, I respect your decision to walk away.
- Text 2:
- Yes, text 2 is a blank screen.
Walking away is powerful for a couple of reasons. It shows the other person that you will accept what they want without fighting them on their decision, and it displays you have enough self-respect to move on with your life.
Everyone who is in a position of power in a breakup likes that feeling until they are the ones who have to live on the opposite end of it.
What do you think is harder to do, seeing the person they let leave have a functional life after they break up or looking down at their phone at multiple missed calls and texts?
Remember, before this person was a part of your life, you were single, no matter when that was.
You have a life full of hope and happiness without that person. Don’t lose sight of that.
Kill the assessment
I will stop using you as an example and give you some insight into myself.
About a year ago, I went through a breakup from an on-and-off relationship. During that time, I was you.
I searched the internet for answers until I came to an understanding of what I know now.
I can reassure you of two things once you grow and understand. You and I will never be that person again, and our value did not change.
When you go through a breakup, you lose your perception of self-worth. As if this one relationship turning sour means so much about who you are and your value.
All it means is that you are having a hard time keeping a connection with one person on this earth.
I am not going to “more fish in the sea,” but grab a rod and reel.
The last thing you must stop doing is negative self-evaluating after a breakup.
When searching for answers to recovering from a breakup, you look for what you can do to get that person back when all you need to do is find yourself.
Guess what? Sometimes that person does come back, and if they do, you should focus on doing this next step.
If someone comes back into your life, make sure you do not go all in.
Remember, this person saw something in you that told them your value was not enough to keep them around.
Make sure you get clarity on what will be different and how you will prevent mistakes. Look for actionable changes.
The last mistake people make is to act as if nothing happened and the relationship is ready to resume where it left off.
That is almost guaranteed to land you right where you were, alone or on and off again.
Take your time, and be sure you are working with someone who wants to build with you and not someone who is making a decision they see best fit for themselves.
Again, this person left you.
A breakup is a breakup for a reason. That reason does not have to be that you were a matchup destined for failure.
It is a chance to reassess and curate a game plan for the future.
It is also an example of mistakes you can prevent in the future.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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