What if I told you the people you love are also the people who disrespect you?
You know the feeling. It’s not one big act of disrespect. It’s more like one thousand needles. You notice multiple tiny behaviors that unsettle you. They mean nothing individually, but they make you feel like garbage when combined.
Here’s the problem: You don’t see it happening.
These people are masters of manipulation. They say they care for you, but their actions show otherwise. When you confront them, they make one grand gesture to show they care (as if that erases the other behaviors that undervalue you).
What’s worse: It’s not only your romantic relationships. Your friendships and even your family can make you feel disrespected as if they don’t care at all.
So how do you know when others disrespect you?
You watch their small actions. Actions are the ultimate expression of how they feel. Even when small, these actions have a powerful meaning.
These are signs they don’t respect you (even if you love them):
1. You never get the invite.
When they don’t invite you, that’s a sign of disrespect.
Imagine your boyfriend makes plans with his friends. All the other boys take their girlfriends, except your partner. He should’ve invited you but chose not to. What makes it worse is that you belonged to the group: It wasn’t a boys’ night.
They deny you an invitation when you belong to the group.
Relationships aren’t an obligation. And it’s great that your partner has individual interests. You wouldn’t want a partner who depends on you, right? But if your partner never invites you to things, that’s a red flag.
When your partner never prioritizes you, what’s the point in this relationship?
There’s a balance between having your individuality and sharing your life with your partner.
2. You don’t get the thank you.
Relationships, romantic or not, take daily effort. Don’t get me wrong: It’s not like when you’re a kid and have to do homework. It happens naturally, so it doesn’t always feel like an effort.
But imagine you clean up the house, plan a nice date, and get ready. Then, your partner gets home, and all he wants to do is game with his friends. Not even a recognition of your efforts.
You want to feel appreciated.
You and your partner can be in different phases. Maybe you need to invest more in the relationship right now because he’s working. So you may think it’s petty to be upset because you didn’t get a thank you. Let me explain why it’s not:
The “thank you” isn’t just a “thank you.” It’s a recognition.
That goes for every relationship you have. Even when they can’t match your efforts, the least they can do is recognize them. When they don’t, they take you for granted. And that’s disrespectful.
3. They believe in lies instead of asking you.
When your friends hear a rumor about you, what’s their reaction? Do they believe it and act weird, or do they ask you?
The easy way out is to believe the lie. It takes work to have tough conversations and solve problems. Why would you go through this trouble when it’s much easier to gossip about you? They wouldn’t waste their time and energy on someone they don’t respect.
The same goes for solving conflicts.
When people care, they let you know with actions. They want to work with you to solve the problem, find a solution that works for both parties, and make you feel appreciated even when there’s conflict.
It’s not about avoiding conflict. It’s about how you solve it.
4. Your life events don’t get congratulations.
You already know we live in the era of communication. With social media, you have access to everyone at any time. When they don’t reply to your text (or don’t send you one), it’s not because they can’t. It’s because they don’t want to.
Let’s be honest: It doesn’t take much to text “congrats.”
It takes less than one minute to open the phone and text you. It’s minimal effort. When someone doesn’t bother to text, what makes you think they’ll be there for you when you need them?
Now, don’t be too harsh. Everybody has a busy schedule, and they can forget to text. The world doesn’t revolve around you. And being a good friend throughout the year is better than texting once per year and never again.
But watch how this person treats you. When they never congratulate you, it’s probably a sign there’s a deeper problem there.
What you can do about it.
So you noticed your friends or partner act disrespectfully toward you. The burning question is: How do you change that situation? And unfortunately, I don’t have a simple answer.
You can’t control what others do. But you can control what you do.
Here are a few things you can do:
- Accept the pain. When the people you love treat you poorly, it hurts like a b*tch. But this pain exists for a reason. It tells you what you want in a relationship and what you should avoid. So listen and respect your feelings. And take the time to heal.
- Set your boundaries. The only person who can set your boundaries is yourself. Even when others mean well, only you know what you expect from others. And it might be hard. Setting boundaries means you’ll upset some people. But if they don’t respect you, maybe it’s time they leave.
- Be kind to yourself. Why would others treat you well if you don’t do it for yourself? The way you treat yourself sets the pace for how others treat you. So be kind, treat yourself to a date night, buy things you like, and pursue your projects.
You have the power to change your actions, but that doesn’t mean it’s an easy journey. So take it slow and respect your process.
When you have that unsettling feeling that tells you something’s wrong, it’s time to take a step back. Watch out for these small actions of disrespect and see if your partner behaves. This can give you an impartial perspective. Still, there’s one final piece of advice:
If you have to wonder if your partner respects you or not, you already have your answer.
People who genuinely care for you will go above and beyond to make you feel appreciated. That doesn’t mean they won’t make mistakes (they’re not perfect). But they’ll never risk losing you.
You deserve a loving relationship, not one that makes you feel alone.
This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please support our mission and join us as a Premium Member.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
You might also like these from The Good Men Project:
|.. In Modern Relationships, We Cheat Every Single Day||Compliments Men Would Love to Hear More Often||.10 Things Good Men Should Never Do in a Relationship||It’s Not Just Sex That He is Longing For. It’s This|
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Photo credit: Shutterstock