I hear it all the time; dating is more stressful than ever.
All the forms of social media, dating apps, and day-to-day distractions have clouded the dating market.
Or have they?
The truth is, access to the dating market has never been easier. The day of bumping grocery carts and meeting the love of your life is long gone.
How is it that Indeed, LinkedIn and apps for the job market have made it easier than ever, but the conversion doesn’t apply to the dating world?
You are spoiled with endless options to find a romantic connection but are skipping over the accountability for weeding through those choices.
Once you face the hard truths about dating, the process gets easier.
…
Emotions vs. Logic
You know how the moment plays out. You see someone you are attracted to, and you begin to list great qualities you see in them. There’s just one issue; they have yet to prove it true.
Infatuation is a tricky monster. It makes you believe in hope instead of reality. The reality is success in the dating market depends on the qualities that arent visible.
Your emotional brain wants to believe that attraction is the starting point.
Using logic, you will see the red flags you are ignoring.
The logical piece of your brain should question compatibility, emotional connection, communication, and your genuine desire to spend time with a person.
The logical piece of your brain will factor in intellectual pieces of information rather than the visual and physical components drawing you closer.
…
You’re scared of yourself
One big issue in the dating market is people pleasing. Have you been on a date, nodding your head to statements you don’t necessarily agree with to soothe what is otherwise an awkward moment?
In the initial dating phase, you try too hard to present your best self instead of your real self.
Yes, you want to impress the person you are dating and keep your flaws discreet. What happens when this is at the detriment of your needs and sharing your truth.
As you open up after the honeymoon phase, insecurities you could have shared become issues that “you were hiding.”
No, you don’t want to be a complete open book from day one and scare someone off, but it is ok to share differences in experience that can open a discussion for items that would, later on, become issues.
…
Accept failure
It is similar to the logic vs. emotion piece of this article. You have to learn to accept a lack of compatibility.
Usually, people accept this when it is obvious they are not compatible with another person.
The goal is to notice and move on when you see the subtle signs. You see the character flaws but allow your attraction to override what is readily apparent.
What happens as a result?
You feed your need for stimulation, most likely physical, but disregard your need for connection.
In the end, that acute pleasure comes at the cost of a chronic need.
You end up back at square one, scorned and more unsatisfied than you were in the first place.
…
Your shadow is scary
You are so scared to be alone. Being alone and being lonely are two different things.
Your dating life sucks because you are trying to fill a void with a person instead of filling it with hobbies where you would run into the right person.
Yea, yea, yea, it is so cliche. So why aren’t you doing it?
You are in a rush to the destination without enjoying the journey. The journey is a solo mission.
Your age, position in life, and external expectations play a role in this fantasy about what you must fill your life with to be satisfied.
Satisfy yourself, and you will attract someone with the same ambitions and goals as you.
…
Wrap up
Get your chin up, and smile.
The world doesn’t suck.
You will meet someone.
Your love life isn’t hopeless.
It is time to accept some truths and stop the cycle you’ve always been aware of.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Josh Hild on Unsplash