A sex therapist discusses some of the reasons a man may not want sex, and what can be done to resolve those issues.
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The cultural myth that a man doesn’t want sex because his wife is unattractive or unenthusiastic simply isn’t true. Beautiful, fit, desirable—and desiring—women regularly make sex therapy appointments to complain about husbands who don’t want sex.
Why does this happen? Here are four reasons—and resolutions:
1. His work is his mistress. When men are passionately involved with their careers, they can sublimate sexual excitement that would normally be directed toward their wives. The accolades, money and ego boost from being regularly praised, or promoted, can be a turn-on.
- Resolution: Be interested in the details of his career so you can share this aspect of his life. Take a quick note or two to remember specific project details. But also request that there be an hour of “couple time” with cell phones turned off every day, and a date night every week. Also: Consider scheduling intimacy time for the morning.
2. Sexual Autonomy. He doesn’t want to negotiate sex and so takes his desire, literally, into his own hands. He masturbates to porn or his own fantasies because it’s quick and efficient. Some men feel exquisite vulnerability at being dependent on another person for their desire to be quenched. Our society idealizes a man who needs nothing–the rugged individual, the Marlboro man, the take-charge-don’t-take-anything-from-anyone guy. Boys can internalize the idea that being dependent makes them less male. And childhood patterns of interrupted care, or neglect from constantly busy parents, can cause boys—and girls—to decide that needing is dangerous.
- Resolution: Tell your husband that sex is necessary for your marital happiness. Request that he try to cease from masturbation to build partner desire. Remind yourself that his lack of desire might not be personal, but a defense against loss of attachment. And agree on a frequency of intimacy that makes you both happy.
3. Anxiety about ED, EE and DE. Erectile dysfunction, early ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation might have diverse causes but their common factors—a man’s frustration, worry and feelings of inadequacy—can shut things down sexually between you.
- Resolution, for older men: The issue may be less about truly low libido than performance anxiety. But these feelings may lead them to turn away from sex right at the time their post-menopausal wives are worried about waning attractiveness. Make an appointment with a urologist first and check his testosterone levels. (If he needs sildenafil (Viagra), be enthusiastic about the extra time that can be spent in foreplay.) Also, ask for “sexy time” and talk about the desire for stoking and being naked together. Ask for your ownorgasm and potentially the lack of pressure will allow his natural response.
- Resolution, for younger men: Younger men struggling with these issues will double their anxiety by worrying about their partner’s reaction, so, first, be kind. Second, be insistent about him getting help. Women, of course, want their partner to climax but increasing the flexibility about how that happens (perhaps not inside the vagina but occasionally lying together while he finishes with masturbation) will reduce his anxiety. Early ejaculation is easily resolved with sex therapy, but ask him about his porn use to see if that is a factor in his ED or difficulty with reaching orgasm.
4. His inner world outvotes the caveman. A reticent, kind, male patient who struggled with low libido finally opened up about three aspects of his libido: One part was an awkward teenager who felt anxious about initiating. A second part was a 20-something, feminist male who thought sex was degrading for women. The third aspect—a caveman—was horny and hungry for sex. He said that the first two characters always outvoted the blatant needs of the third and so he remained silent with his wife about his desire. She listened in awe as her usually quiet husband revealed his complexity, later asking if just once she might have sex with his caveman.
- Resolution: Use psychodynamic therapy or dream analysis to help understand the inner make-up of his libido.
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This post originally appeared at Psychology Today. Reprinted with permission.
Photo: Sarah Scicluna/Flickr
And there’s actually some of us that just find other elements of life far more fulfilling, lasting and not as overrated as sex. I just don’t care about it much anymore and have zero interest in pursuing it. It’s become something people think they’re entitled to. WTF is that all about? Nobody owes anybody a damn thing, sex included.
Potentially a significant hormone imbalance. Mens hormones aren’t checked as often, as such low or no testosterone wouldn’t help matters either.
Then there are the more obvious reasons. These include: having sex with someone else (an affair partner) and/or no longer being physically unattracted to their spouse/S.O. I have a lot of male friends, and these two reasons factor in quite heavily.
Or maybe sometimes he’s tired or has a headache. Sometimes men just don’t want to have sex. Why is this treated as a problem that needs fixing? How would people react if I wrote a similar article about all of the reasons women don’t want to have sex and how to “fix” the women so that they will have sex?
Some men are self-conscious about their size as well.
That is so true. I know I have always been real self-conscious about the size of my penis. (I assume you’re talking about penis size?) I have a small one, and there’s nothing worse than not being able to satisfy your partner because of it.
How about the huge resurgence of STD’s, the double standards surrounding intoxication and consent, as well as the possibility of pregnancy? Potential jail time, a child I don’t want to have but have zero choice in, or an incurable disease are the top hidden reasons why I’m not having more sex. I don’t see ethically how I should have more choice here.. these are big reasons for me though. Admitting as much doesn’t really progress the issue, more than anything I feel ashamed for admitting as much.
When you say double standards are you referring to men being sexually assaulted?
The implication here is that, if a man desire sex at a lower frequency than his female partner, there’s something wrong with him, something that can and should be fixed. There’s a “resolution” that mostly involve therapy.
How about respecting the sexual desires or the man?
Another reason is that the man may be asexual or gray sexual. These are overlooked as reasons in these cases a lot. Some people, men and women both, just aren’t that sexual. If you are a highly sexual woman and partner with a much less sexual man, there is a high chance there will always be a mismatch.
Yes, thank you. God forbid it’s someone’s sexuality. My mother is convinced I’m going to change.
Yes!! Thank you Eli. considering the statistics, it seems that this definitely needs to be added to this list. My husband is also suffering from PTSD associated with childhood sexual trauma and rape when he was 20. We have little to no sex life. For now. As much as I love the Good Men Project, I only get to read articles telling me how much my husband wants to have sex with me and about my lack of interest. In my life this is just not the case. That leaves me feeling isolated. Either way, thank you for this article… Read more »
Yes!!! No one else!! Also feeling isolated given that I am the more sexual partner ?
Can you please add a fifth when you republish this? 5. He is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (even if he is still repressing the memories of it). As someone who has been the partner of someone who recovered his memories while with me and then had to go through the process of integrating that experience, I can attest that a man’s sex drive can be driven to zero by this, especially when at any moment during sexual activity (even foreplay), he can just dissociate. It’s estimated that 1 in 6 males has been sexually abused in his lifetime,… Read more »