The dating world is a minefield for single people.
Every step you take, you risk finding emotionally unavailable people or men who act like children and don’t even know what they want. What’s worse: People who know what they want but never learn how to communicate it.
Single people take on different roles: Mind-reader, psychologist, or (the biggest insult) not a role at all. They settle for “let’s see where this goes.” Spoiler alert: it won’t go anywhere if you don’t commit.
How do you navigate this minefield without a map?
99% of people have miserable love lives because they have the wrong mindset. They expect a movie relationship when you have to overcome obstacles, never argue, and sacrifice everything for love. For them, love defines your life and your choices.
Real-life love is nothing like that.
It’s time to destroy this childish perspective (and skip the bombs in the minefield). Here are the mindset shifts to navigate your love life:
1. It’s not about you.
When things don’t work well on a date, it’s easy to blame yourself. Imagine going on one hundred failed dates. You may think you’re not attractive, intelligent, or interesting enough.
After all, what is more personal than dating?
Well, I’m here to tell you it’s not all about you. Relationships take two people who connect. You can be the best person in the world (even better than Beyoncé), and you’ll still find people who don’t connect with you.
Connection doesn’t depend on you.
Yes, dating is personal. When your date dumps you, it’s because they didn’t like you. But that says nothing about you. It just says you’re not a good fit for this person.
Takeaway:
Let me give you another perspective: How many people would you consider marrying?
Marriage is a big commitment. I can say with 95% of confidence that you don’t want to marry all your friends, although they’re amazing people.
Don’t take dating personally. You can’t control how people connect or how you feel. Just because you’re not a good match for your date, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
You don’t need multiple matches; you need one killer match.
2. Have the money talk.
People act like money is taboo. “How do I ask if he’ll pay the bill?” It’s like talking about money is as shocking as admitting you’re a serial killer (and I truly hope you’re not).
Money is part of every love life.
You need money to go on dates, buy presents on special occasions, and even share the bills. It’s not pleasant, but it doesn’t mean you get to ignore it.
When you ignore this topic, you expect the other person to read your mind. You expect them to know you’re broke and want to go to a cheaper place. But guess what? They don’t have a crystal ball.
You’re an adult, and it’s your job to communicate your needs.
Takeaway:
You can easily solve this problem with an open conversation. I’m not saying you should display your income statement for the world. But the simple things like “I’m paying the bill tonight” shouldn’t be a problem.
You can save yourself a lot of headaches by being upfront about your views of money. Imagine you expect to always go to expensive places when your partner is fine with living a simple life on a farm.
Money dictates your lifestyle. As a couple, you should be on the same page.
3. Don’t spare compliments.
There’s a trap most humans are victims of: The illusion of transparency.
You know how you feel, right? That’s obvious to you. This belief makes you think other people can also read your emotions. Your emotions are so obvious to you that you believe it’s obvious to others as well. Except they aren’t.
Your date can’t read your emotions.
You can have the best date of your life. That means nothing if you don’t communicate it. If your partner does everything right, but you don’t tell them, they’ll never know. They’re free to assume whatever they like.
Here’s the problem: When things are well, you don’t feel the need to talk.
When there’s no problem, you neglect communication. So you don’t tell your date how much you appreciate the place they chose, how you enjoy the topics you discussed, or that you’re excited about the next date.
Don’t make others guess what you like and dislike.
Takeaway:
It’s your job to express your emotions, especially the positive ones.
Compliments aren’t fake. They’re a way to make others feel appreciated. When you put effort into something, like planning a nice date, it’s nice to feel recognized. Otherwise, you feel like you’re the only person who cares (even when that’s not true).
Your perception (and your partner’s) matters more than you imagine.
4. Move slower than a turtle.
I get it: The modern world is too fast, and the dating arena is no exception. When your date doesn’t work, you can easily replace them with one swipe to the right. There’s no time to reflect on what you like and dislike.
But the world won’t end tomorrow: You have time to build your relationship.
When you want to build a project, like a business, you don’t rush it. You take the time, start with small steps, and adjust along the way. You know it’s a process, and you don’t expect immediate results.
Relationships are the same.
You need the time to get to know the other person, build intimacy, make plans together, and create a routine that works for both parties.
Why are you in a rush to find a partner? When you look inside, you might learn there are other problems there. Maybe it’s an emotional dependence or your personal insecurities.
Learn from turtles and move slowly.
Takeaway:
Dating is a process. The person you marry will impact your life in ways you can’t imagine (your mental health, routine, children, and financial situation). This process is supposed to help you figure out if that person is right for you.
Make your dating life about meeting people.
This way, when you date someone, you do it because you genuinely like them (and not because you need external validation). Enjoy the process instead of rushing it.
There’s no secret recipe that brings your loved one in seven days. These mindset shifts don’t guarantee you’ll find love. But they’ll help you make better (and more mature) choices.
It’s difficult enough to meet someone who is a good match for you and who likes you back. So when you finally meet the right person, make sure you’re ready. It comes down to simple rules: Don’t play games, be upfront about your intentions, and take your time.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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