I am sitting in my apartment on a Monday night watching basketball and lounging around.
I receive a text from a close friend who is new to the Denver dating market and, in his words, isn’t doing so well.
“Guess who I saw on my run for the second time today?! I saw ____!”
“ No way; did you shoot your shot?”
“Nah”
The point of this mini-story isn’t to clown my boy in any way. It is to point out the subtle highlights of this story that result in the problems many heterosexual men face today.
You may not see it, but his first mistake was palatalizing this moment that was probably nothing more than bumping into each other in her eyes.
He then knew what he wanted to do but didn’t build up the confidence to do it.
Lastly, he cherished the moment so much that he texted me about it.
While I would love for him to take his chances with her, get married, and live happily ever after, it cannot happen until he understands what went wrong in this situation and his approach to the dating market.
Pedestalization
As I told you in the story above, one of the reasons my friend struggled in that situation is he put the girl on a pedestal.
Before you get mad, my objective is not to assume the girl is not a great person. The point is that he projected a set of characteristics and behaviors to someone he has yet to vet.
- While you may struggle to talk to women, you are making it more difficult when you have made assumptions about someone based on their looks.
- As you value them on a higher level, you are subconsciously devaluing yourself.
- You are creating a story for someone to live up to, and if they don’t, you will go on to discount them when they are navigating their journey in life, filled with highs and lows.
Getting to know someone is the key to alleviating some of your struggles. Honestly, you will be a perfect match with ~20% of girls you meet, and I feel generous saying that.
It does not mean that either person is better than the other; it is the reality of human interaction and bonding.
Once you approach someone without the presumed story, you will approach them with the mindset of vetting them instead of awarding them a mantle they haven’t earned.
On to the next
Let’s say you’re not in the situation above, but you’re on to the next stage. You got a number, texted back and forth, and even went on a date.
You have to navigate this stage by vetting even more because this leads to the honeymoon stage of dating when you are blind to red flags. It is also the stage where the most yellow flags will appear.
- You have to be able to walk away from any situation that does not serve your needs or boundaries that you have created.
- Most men who struggle to date do not have standards for misbehavior from women they date.
- She takes hours to text you back, “it’s fine, she probably…” She seems self-centered and not as into you as you are her” it’s ok, she probably…”
The most powerful and attractive thing you can do as a man is to have the strength to walk away from any situation.
If you put yourself in place to get played, you will get played. You excuse actions and behaviors you don’t want to tolerate. Instead of thinking about when you’re missing out on by walking away, look at what issues you’ve dodged.
Numbers game
Let me take you through a scenario to build context for the numbers game.
You are on the job search market and want to find your dream job. Is the best way to find a job to go to one company’s website, apply, and wait until you hear back from that company?
To many of you, the obvious answer is no. You’d be on LinkedIn, searching through indeed, going to every job search portal, applying to multiple jobs, and taking interviews to make the best choice.
So why aren’t you doing that in the dating market?
- To navigate the dating market, you search high and low through every dating “portal” that exists.
- Get with the times; you have to be on dating apps.
- Go out with groups of friends, and you will meet girls by networking.
- Put yourself in events that center around your interests. There are clubs, “centers,” and classes for everything.
The point is that dating doesn’t navigate how you wish to meet someone. There are too many avenues that you have not explored. Again, you will be a match for ~20% of people.
Low confidence
The points in this article snowball into each other as one simultaneously leads to the other; while they all intertwine.
While all the factors carry equal weight, they affect the most vital component; Your confidence.
You cannot approach women, pedestalize the ones you do, and fear walking away from the ones you don’t because your confidence is low.
- Somehow you have subconsciously fed yourself the narrative that you are less than or undeserving of someone.
- You build the belief that where you are right now is where you will be forever.
- You are “working on yourself” for the acceptance of others rather than love for yourself.
Things that have happened in the past have impacted who you are today. Highs and lows, breakups, and dry spells all affect your confidence. You also have insecurities about who you look at in the mirror. Your only option is to change.
It could sound cruel, but no one is coming to save you. Are you out of shape? Get in the gym. Are you hurt from a breakup? Go to therapy. The uncomfortable truth is that you control your happiness, and you control your insecurities having power over you.
The goal of this article is not to shame you and point out everything you are doing wrong. I am highlighting the truth of today’s dating market and what you can do to change your results.
You often get caught in “your way” rather than accepting what is “the way” of the current market. The mistakes you make are due to presumptions instead of executing an analysis.
Drop your fears of what you have the power to change and embrace the strength that comes with what you can change.
—
This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock