This is fresh. Like less than 24 hours fresh. I returned home from visiting my parents yesterday afternoon, and within a few hours my boyfriend was breaking up with me.
Did I see it coming? Absolutely not.
Am I sad? Yes, of course.
Am I relieved? More than I expected to be.
My ex-boyfriend came over and broke up with me in a matter of 15 minutes or less. We dated for almost 2 years. He came in and dropped off dinner for me and announced he “would be eating dinner at home” because he was ending our relationship. I was literally cleaning sand out of my phone case — that is how out of the blue this was for me.
What felt like a huge disservice to our time together was that he did not offer up anything outside of the normal: “One day some guy is going to be so lucky to have you.”
There was no discussion or remembrance of our time and memories together. No note to explain what he may not have had the words to say directly to me. Nothing.
But, lucky for me, I have an amazing family and friends. They picked up the phone when I called or picked up the phone to call me and listened and asked questions.
Shout out to my parents, JD, Kim, Katie, and Candice. I love you.
If you’re still reading, you probably want me to cut to the chase — what could I have possibly learned in the last 24 hours?
#1. Talk to people about your relationship.
I don’t know when I stopped doing this or if I have ever done this, but I need to start. When my friends called me last night, suddenly all of the things that had been bothering me about my ex came flooding out of my mouth. These were things that I had chosen not to talk about because I had convinced myself they weren’t a big deal.
When I speak something into the universe, it then becomes real. When it’s real, I have to do something about it.
In finally talking about it with my friends, I realized that those things were a BIG deal after all. And we’re not talking about things like, I hate his taste in music (I do). We’re talking about the fact that he doesn’t like to do a majority of the things that I enjoy doing. More on that later.
One thing about this lesson: be discerning about who you talk to about your partner. Parents and siblings may not be the best choice — but they might be. I’d suggest a friend or family member that is open-minded and can help you sort out what’s on your mind. Someone who isn’t as intertwined in your partner’s life.
Sometimes our gripes about our partners are simply that, and nothing more. However, sometimes there is more to what we are thinking and feeling. Don’t swallow your problems. Don’t try to fix things on your own. Ask for help when you need it.
#2. Your feelings aren’t wrong.
Two nights before I was broken up with, I wrote in my journal that I “did not miss” my ex and I wondered if it was “normal” for that to happen over time. I clearly saw the end of this relationship on the horizon. Obviously, he did too.
This lesson ties a lot into the first one about talking to other people when you are having issues (this applies to every type of issue you may be feeling — not just romantic in nature). Don’t be afraid to voice your feelings because they are valid. Feelings can’t be wrong because they are personal to you. If you aren’t happy, explore why you’re feeling that way.
I’ve been made to feel guilty of my feelings in the past. That I was wrong for feeling certain ways. Don’t let people bully you or make you feel wrong for being hurt or sad.
One thing in particular that bothered me was that he made such a big deal about saying, “I love you.” Now don’t get me wrong, I understood where he was coming from. His previous girlfriend said it after a few months of dating and he wanted to be the first person in our relationship to say it. He wanted it to mean something. We both read this article (which is great) and agreed that we should model this practice ourselves.
On our one-year anniversary, he gave me a really special card telling me he loved me. It was a beautiful moment that I won’t soon forget. From that point on, he never really expressed that he loved me unless I did first. It wasn’t about the words, as much as it was about the act of showing me love. I would raise this point to him, only to feel like a selfish, greedy love fool after the fact.
#3. The perfect relationship doesn’t exist, but that doesn’t mean you should compromise on the things that matter most to you.
Somewhere along the way, I told myself to let go of the perfect relationship. You’re not going to find it. It doesn’t exist. Your “person” is not going to check all the boxes, so let go of that ideal. This isn’t a movie.
I know there is no perfect relationship, but I do think that I let go of the things that are important to me in order to get other things that are important to me. For example, I’m not super concerned about getting married or having kids. Neither was my ex. We were on the same page about things that seem to cause a lot of strife with couples.
Where I think I got lost was with the other half of things that are really important to me. Things that are fundamentally ME. I love to be outside. I love to ride my bike and hike. I love comedy and learning. I love having experiences with the people I love.
My ex didn’t like to be outside. He would rather be inside with his guitar, watching horrible sitcoms on his iPad (I have the right to be shady right now). Our sense of humor was not the same, nor was our taste in music.
I don’t think you and your partner need to have the exact same interests, tastes, and styles. But at the end of the day, for me at least, I need my partner to “get” me. I need them to make me laugh. I need to them try to make me happy. I need them to want to experience life with me.
Don’t let go of who you are just to attain romantic companionship.
No one wins in that situation.
#4. A good person is hard to find, but don’t settle for the first nice one who comes along.
Despite our differing tastes in comedy and music, my ex is a great person. He is kind, intelligent, handsome, and caring. He helped me to be more confident in myself, and he always made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the room. For those things, he will always have a place in my heart.
Of all the people I have dated, he was by far the best. He had a good job and we were a good, fair team when it came to paying for things. He treated me with respect, and was kind to all of my friends and family. He encouraged me to be the best and was not threatened by my pursuits for greatness. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. We were a team.
I hope some of you have had better fortune than I have. I hope you have or have had someone who treats you well and makes you feel good. This was a new thing for me. Because of all these things, I downplayed what was bothering me. I thought to myself: You’re never going to have it all. You’re selfish to expect that you can have everything you want.
Why does it have to be selfish to want a nice person who treats you well and enjoys life in a similar way to you? It’s doesn’t. I’m not sure where this idea came from, but I’m going to working on breaking free from it.
A new chapter begins
The next several weeks and months will be interesting. I’m resilient and looking at this experience as an opportunity. I’ve been given a clean slate, and a chance to start anew. It’s up to me to make the most of this gift.
If you have any advice, comments, or if you are going through something similar, I’d love to hear from you. Thanks for reading!
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Previously published on Medium.com.
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