Even if it’s love, it might not work out. When I was younger, I had trouble understanding this. I thought, naively, that if two people loved each other, that would be the only thing that mattered. The relationship would be held up naturally by its own passionate buoyancy.
But it takes much more than that. The vast majority of serious relationships that fall apart are based on genuine, romantic love. They fall apart because romance is volatile. Love creates higher risk. It makes us more powerful and more fragile. And it’s difficult to reciprocate and sustain.
Here are some red flags to be commonly found in a relationship that is falling apart. Identifying them might be of great help to the people involved.
Although it’s possible to identify these in our daily lives, and I’ve seen it all happen to others — more importantly, I’ve experienced each of these at some point in my own life.
1. It’s like a rollercoaster of ups and downs
It’s common for hot-cold couples to live for the ups, to dread the downs, and push through again and again, to maintain the illusion of union. The dynamic alternates between pain and pleasure. It’s something like an addiction in that way.
But the sober reality is, relationships that last a lifetime are always moving towards greater stability, rather than risking it all for a cheap high. It’s normal to have some stark, contrasting qualities of time with our lovers, with natural repulsions and attractions. But too much can cause a relationship to break down to the point of disrepair.
The deciding factor here is whether or not this cycle can be changed. If it’s a constant, recurring pattern, then it’s very likely that the relationship will not achieve the harmony needed to hold up over longer periods of time.
2. It’s a long-distance relationship that struggles to lay down roots
We are attracted to distance relationships, because there’s a romance about missing each other wistfully when apart — and then feeling like you’re on a vacation or mini-honeymoon every time you’re together. It keeps you in a constant state of anticipation and arousal.
It can quite easily heighten romantic feelings towards one another. Someone whom you might quickly get sick of if seen all the time, becomes absolutely irresistible when they’re less accessible.
Eventually, One of two things is likely to happen. Either the relationship will fizzle out, in-between visitations — or closer, localized contact will reveal that the two of you run into conflicts, or a lack of chemistry when it becomes too easy to see each other.
It’s ultimately postponing the inevitable, because lovers desire to be together. The problem is, unless they’re really seeing each other regularly, they might not have a sense for how they truly feel. And if they can’t make the romance work logistically, then the necessary measures aren’t being taken by both parties to bring the relationship to a more solid standing.
3. One person is obsessed, and the other is just playing along
It can sometimes be hard for one person to get out of a relationship if it’s working to some degree. Breaking up is never easy. If there’s a huge disparity between how you feel towards one another, one person may eventually call it quits.
Usually, it’s the person who is less excited about the relationship, but not always. Sometimes the devotee realizes that they’re wasting their time, energy, and passion on someone who is lukewarm towards them.
Mutuality is one of the most essential features of a lasting relationship, (provided those reciprocal feelings are also characterized by harmony). Although quasi-one-sided relationships are doomed for failure, they aren’t always easy to detect.
We can be great actors while trying to spare another’s feelings — and reflexively, we can be surprisingly stubborn about not seeing what’s right in front of us, if it isn’t fulfilling for our psyche. Obsessions can be kept under wraps, lack of interest can be masked, until all cards are on the table, and hearts are broken.
4. The relationship is too hot
There’s a saying about playing with fire. And if it seems too good to be true, maybe it is. What goes up must go down. Well, you get the idea.
This is relevant, because these flames can combust and then burn out, leaving everyone cold, or depleted. It’s difficult to sustain something driven by such intensity.
Often what starts as very hot will eventually devolve into a hot-cold situation, or what I’ve earlier called a rollercoaster (of ups and downs, twists and turns). Albeit fascinating, it can be exhausting. Two people fall in love, passionately, and everything is perfect, until they start to have conflicts.
And then they will continuously try to remind themselves why they fell in love in the first place. Beware when the temperature seems to be rising very quickly. It’s often the result of infatuation, desperation, immaturity, or circumstantial factors that can ultimately sabotage a relationship.
Recap
Here are just a few easy patterns to spot in a dubious relationship. Yet it’s surprising how they can catch people off-guard. If we can see these as they’re approaching or happening, sometimes we can do better for ourselves.
- A back-and-forth dynamic that heightens tension can be exciting, yet they can test a relationship to its breaking point.
- Long distance relationships might entertain for a while but fail to ever become stabilized and reliable.
- One person’s devotion can’t single-handedly keep a couple above water, it takes two to tangle and people eventually want to move on.
- Two people who are crazy about each other can quite easily turn against each other.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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