5 Books to Help You Detoxify Your Relationships

 

Here are some ugly facts about relationships.

People can hurt you, and toxic relationships can be painful.

They can be dangerous to your mental health. And they can extend their harm to hurt your physical health.

On the other hand, having healthy relationships in your life is associated with psychological and physical benefits.

So, relationships (of all types) are not minor things in your life. They affect you, and you should work on making that effect as positive as possible.

Most of us are not well-equipped to deal with the toxicity, pain, and chaos that those relationships bring to our lives.

Here is what I exactly mean:

• Toxic parents: our relationship with our parents is so important. If it’s messed up, it can take a toll on your life for the rest of it if you do nothing about that. And, of course, toxic parents are highly likely to create toxic sibling and family interactions, which makes things worse.
• Romantic relationships: though love is great, pain is also associated with romantic relationships. No one wants to have their heart broken. And no one wants to be in a soul-sucking relationship. But it seems that success with romantic relationships eludes many of us, especially those who grew up in toxic environments.

 

Those two areas are not only related. They are also a pain in the neck for the majority of us.

Fortunately, there are some awesome books written on such topics.

I will discuss 6 of these, outlining what you can find in each book and how it can help you.

Toxic parents

They talk mainly about parents. They will show you how to become an emotionally mature and secure individual.

#1 Toxic parents by Dr. Susan Forward.

This book is a bit different than the previous one.

It starts by debunking the myth of the perfect parent or, in more extreme wording, the godlike parents.

There is no such thing, and parents can be toxic, regardless of their intentions.

The author outlines 6 types of toxic parents. She explains in detail their characterizations and how they affect their children.

• The inadequate parents “Just because you did not mean, it does not mean it did not hurt.”
• The controllers “Why cannot they let me live my own life?”
• The alcoholics “No one in this family is an alcoholic.”
• The verbal abuser “The bruises are all on the inside.”
• The physical abuser “Sometimes the bruises are on the outside, too”
• The sexual abuser “The ultimate betrayal.”

 

Reading through the characterization of each type can help you understand the toxic environment you were (and maybe are still) in.

What I liked the most:

What I liked the most was that Susan described how children of each type are likely to behave when they grow up into adults.

She also explains why parents behave this way. That might help you stop blaming yourself for so many things.

More interestingly, she clearly states that you do not have to forgive. According to her, healing does not have to start with forgiving, and I highly agree.

Lastly, she does not leave it like that and offers solutions, different perspectives, and healthy coping techniques.

Favorite quotes:

This is actually a heartbreaking quote:

“Physical violence against children is often a reaction to stress at work, conflict with another family member or friend, or general tension over an unsatisfying life. Children are easy targets: they can’t fight back, and they can be intimidated into silence”

And:

“Most children of toxic parents develop a high tolerance for mistreatment. You may have only a vague awareness that anything out of the ordinary happened to you as a child. Chances are, you don’t even know how angry you really are.”

#2 Adult children of immature parents by Lindsey C. Gibson, PsyD

This is one of the books I keep recommending for people who believe they got hurt emotionally by their family.

It shows the difference between emotionally mature and immature parents (and people in general). And it explains how to recognize if your parents were immature.

Lindsey discusses the effects of immature parenting on children, which shapes how they interact with the world to a great extent. Much more like coping styles we develop to deal with such immaturity.

Those coping styles can be helpful during childhood, but some need to be unlearned and challenged as we grow up.

In addition to emotional maturity/immaturity, Lindsey talks about emotional intimacy and loneliness.

What I liked the most:

What I liked the most was the comparison between internalizers and externalizers.

It is based on the concept of the locus of control. And it helps you understand all the sh*tty, irresponsible behaviors some people, including us, do.

In the book, there are ways we can start breaking free. I think of them as different ways of looking at our lives, parents, and selves.

There is this technique of relationships vs. relatedness. It is one of the things that can help you strategically keep your distance from emotionally immature parents (and people) and set your own boundaries effectively.

One of the great things about the book is that it contains a chapter about identifying emotionally mature people. This book nudges you into becoming emotionally mature and surrounding yourself with such people. It is not just about ditching your parents and complaining they were toxic.

Favorite quotes:

“Lacking adequate parental support or connection, many emotionally deprived children are eager to leave childhood behind. They perceive that the best solution is to grow up quickly and become self-sufficient. These children become competent beyond their years but lonely at their core”

And:

“Even as adults, many people have no idea that what happened to them in childhood was abusive. As a result, they may not recognize abusive behavior in their adult relationships.”

Romantic relationships

Below are 3 books.

2 of them are by John Gottman, the godfather of relationship research.

The last one is for a different author who is not less qualified to talk about the topic, Dr. Susan Johnson. She is one of the therapists who did some fantastic work on attachment theory and was able to come up with great insights.

#3 The science of trust by John M. Gottman, PhD

This is a giant book! But it is worth it.

I will not be able to talk about everything it discusses, so I will give you a sense of its overall content and how it can help you.

The word ‘science’ is meant quite literally. The book is filled with scientific language and methods, yet it is comprehendible for non-scientific readers.

The book talks about trust and how to measure it using what it calls a “trust metric”. The same is done for untrustworthiness and betrayal.

It further explains how those things build up in a relationship.

Then it discusses general ideas and practices that can improve relationships or save them. Those ideas and techniques are derived from Gottman’s and his colleagues’ long research.

For those of you who have trust issues, this book can be a game-changer.

And sure enough, for those who want to improve their relationship in any way, this book is a good read.

However, I recommend you first read other Gottman’s books. This will make understanding (and applying) it easier.

There are interesting topics in the book such as healing from betrayal, what’s toxic when a relationship is ailing (it’s not what I thought it was), and the importance of repairing negativity during conflicts.

What I liked the most:

One of the best things I learned was the idea that interactions are not just positive or negative. There are “neutral” interactions that do not get talked about often.

Of course, interactions affect the process of building trust, managing conflict, and satisfaction levels.

It is clear what positive and negative interactions do.

But neutral interactions can be good despite them being boring and mundane. This is one of the moments when you realize that healthy relationships can be (I would argue: should be) boring and mundane sometimes, and that is OK. It is even helpful.

The book explains in more detail how positive, negative, and neutral interactions exist in, affect, and influence the relationship. It is pretty damn eye-opening.

Favorite quotes:

“But when a relationship achieves a certain level of safety and one partner clearly communicates that he or she wants to know about the underlying meaning of the other partner’s position, the other partner can finally open up and talk about his or her feelings, dreams, and needs. Persuasion and problem solving are postposed. The goal is for each partner to understand the other’s dreams behind the position on the issue.”

And:

“As I mentioned earlier, that is a definition of betrayal, where operating in one’s own best interests is actually the same as operating against one’s partner’s best interests. That qualifies as actual betrayal, rather than merely untrustworthiness.”

#4 The 7 principles of making marriage work by John M. Gottman, PhD and Nan Silver

This is almost a classic!

As the title suggests, the book offers 7 principles to help you make your marriage work. And they are not just for married people; they are about strengthening relationships.

Before introducing the seven principles, Gottman starts by laying down the basics. He briefly talks about his research and Seattle’s Love Lab.

Then, he speaks about two ideas: what makes a marriage work and what makes it fail (or how he predicts divorce).

He starts by explaining what makes relationships work. Here, he talks about the great things which keep relationships together without getting into too many technical details. He introduces concepts such as attunement, sound relationship house, and repair.

The part about how he predicts divorce is about how he was able to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.

He mentions and explains many concepts, such as The Four Horsemen, Flooding, and failed repair attempts. Those concepts are discussed as signs that couples are heading into a divorce.

Then, he explains the seven principles that can make your relationship fulfilling and stable.

Those seven principles are based on his research. More specifically, they are based on what he has come to call The Sound Relationship House theory.

The concepts are explained in separate chapters. They contain quizzes and exercises which can help put the knowledge into action.

What I liked the most:

There are many fascinating ideas in those 7 principles.

For example, 69% of conflicts in relationships are not solvable. And it is all about the way you discuss them as a couple.

The failure to discuss them well productively will turn them into what he calls “gridlock”, which can eventually cause emotional distancing and nastier fights.

This book, among other Gottman’s books, has helped me personally with my own relationship. It is one of those books you must read if you are serious about creating a loving, happy, and healthy relationship.

Favorite quote:

This quote makes my stomach knots. In our relationships, we, men, are responsible for more than we would like to admit.

“Rather than acknowledging his wife’s feelings, this kind of husband is using the four horsemen to drown her out, to obliterate her point of view. One way or another, this approach leads to instability in the marriage. Even if the husband doesn’t react this way very often, there’s still an 81 percent chance that he’s damaging the relationship.”

And:

“Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.”

#5 Hold me tight By Dr. Sue Johnson

Dr. Sue Johnson is known for what she calls Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT). And a lot of her work is based on attachment theory.

I read the widely popular book about attachment theory, Attached, and I liked it. But I felt something was missing. I felt that attachment theory was broader than what Attached described. And when I read this book, most of my confusion was resolved.

The book introduces seven transforming conversations.

• Recognizing the demon dialogue.
• Finding the raw spots.
• Revisiting a rocky moment.
• Hole me tight -engaging and connecting.
• Forgiving injuries.
• Bonding through sex.
• Keeping your love alive.

 

It is one of those books that contain exercises. The exercises are useful, and so are the insights you learn in each conversation.

I like this book because it taught me that “attachment injuries” and those “raw spots” are painful to touch.

And nothing touches them like a close relationship.

So, you probably need this when things are not going well in your relationship more than you need it when everything is going swimmingly. But it never hurts to learn something or two at any time.

Our attachment injuries and raw spots are wounds, and they are one of the things that make relationships hard.

But it does not just stop there. It shows how to handle those issues as a couple.

What I liked the most:

One of the things this book do is help you understand yourself and your partner more empathically. This can help you work together and stop seeing each other as the enemy.

If most of the issues and concepts I mentioned when discussing Gottman’s books do not ring a bell, then your relationship issues are probably about wounds related to connection and attachment.

And this book is where to look.

And generally, I would say that it is a great book for anyone who wants to improve their relationship, especially if you are going through a rough patch.

Favorite quote:

“Everyday hurts are easily dismissed and raw spots can fade away (if we stop rubbing them in Demon Dialogues), but unresolved traumas do not heal”

And:

“Just as with love, forgiveness has only recently become a topic of study by social scientists. Most scholars speak of forgiveness as a moral decision. Letting go of resentment and absolving a person’s bad conduct is the right and good thing to do. But this decision alone will not restore faith in the injuring person and the relationship. What partners need is a special type of healing conversation that fosters not just forgiveness but the willingness to trust again. Renewed trust is the ultimate goal.”

And:

“It is not that he does not care for or need her; it is that he cannot deal with the fear of losing her.”

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***