You say you don’t deserve love and will never find a partner. I agree.
Because if that’s what you think, that’s what you’ll get.
That’s one of the hard lessons I had to learn from my mentor Susan J. Elliott, a world-renowned love & breakup expert. Her brutal honesty wasn’t always comfortable but helped me “wake up” really fast.
If you think you’ll never find love, always end up with the biggest jerks, or can never let go of past lovers, here’s what you need to hear today. Disclaimer: Reading the truth can hurt. But it’ll help you make a change right now.
If You Have Toxic Relationships, You’re Part of That Toxicity
Have you ever caught yourself saying how your date/ex is “so toxic”? It’s easy to blame your bad relationships on others’ toxicity or narcissism.
Here’s the deal: If you’re attracted to someone with toxic traits, you’re part of that “toxic” dynamic. The definition of a toxic person is the following:
“A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life.”
Was it really the other person that upset you, or did you upset yourself by knowingly keeping up with less than you deserve?
You probably saw red flags and ignored them. You probably felt something was not right or this person was up for trouble and justified it.
And that’s totally understandable. Unhealed parts of you were attracted to their unhealed parts.
Yet, all you can do is keep your side of the street clean. Instead of “Why do I attract toxic people?” the real question is:
Why am I attracted TO these people?
Own your part of the dynamics, figure out what’s driving this pattern, and commit to moving forward differently.
Chemistry Is Bad
Who doesn’t dream of finding that person you feel the crazy chemistry with from day one? I have to destroy your dreams: Crazy sparks are usually NOT a good sign.
Here’s the one thing my mentor kept saying that’ll always stick with me:
“Chemistry is your dysfunction saying hello to their dysfunction.”
What’s that supposed to mean? As I’ve detailed in this article, brain research shows that romantic chemistry is mostly associated with the hormone dopamine. Dopamine, in turn, is responsible for your reward system.
Thus, your dysfunction aka unhealed parts is trying to get some type of reward out of this relationship (and vice versa).
Ask yourself: What’s the reward you’re hoping to receive?
- Do you want to change the other person? Save them? Fix them?
- Do you want approval if this hot someone wants to be/sleep with you?
- Do you recognize a parental pattern in them (e.g. criticizing, emotionally unavailable) and hope to resolve this conflict with them?
Chemistry equals insecurity. Because it’s tricking you into thinking you might get a reward, but you can never be sure if you will (and 99% of the time won’t).
Next time you keep getting weak knees and butterflies question whether that’s true love (stability, security, trust) or your subconscious recognizing a potential reward in this person.
Nobody Can Do the Work for You
We all want a partner who treats us with respect, love, and dignity. We all want to grow old with that one person who’ll make us laugh until our last day.
Yet, most of us don’t want to put the work into it. We hope this person miraculously knocks at our doors.
Despite producing the same thoughts, behaviors, and feelings, we expect to attract different partners into our lives.
As Albert Einstein once said:
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
If you want to attract the love you deserve, you have to commit to doing the work necessary for that. Nobody can do it for you: not your best friend, therapist, or your Mom.
Water Seeks Its Own Level
People gravitate towards like-minded people. Whether you want to call it the “law of attraction” or “law of vibration” — you attract what you are. Consider this:
- A truly self-confident person who knows their worth will never date a person with very low self-esteem.
- Someone who’s truly healed their abuse trauma will never date an abuser again.
- A person who’s truly emotionally available will never date a person who isn’t.
So if you keep attracting those with low self-esteem, abusive/manipulative behavior, or emotional unavailability, it’s because you haven’t healed those exact aspects of yourself.
Every relationship is a mirror of your soul. Take it as an opportunity to see the parts that you need to work on and heal.
The Only Way out of Pain Is Through
Have you ever said to yourself “I just want to feel good again asap” or “I just don’t want to be sad anymore” after a separation or rejection?
Naturally, you don’t want to feel like sh*t, but the truth is, your emotions are there no matter what. It’s up to you: you can choose to suppress them or to work through them.
Feeling means you’re healing.
Grief in itself IS a healing emotion. It means your brain is changing and starting to adapt to your new world order. Even if it feels like the exact opposite at times.
If you don’t allow yourself to grieve, run away from your pain or jump into the next relationship to avoid it, you’ll likely end up with the following:
- Chronic pain in your body (because the emotions you’re not letting go of are manifesting as such)
- Be completely overwhelmed with grief once you are triggered later in life
If you want to be truly happy again and have a healthy, loving relationship you have to face and work through your pain. Everything else would be lying to yourself and only harms you in the long term.
You’re the Answer
Taking responsibility for your active role in choosing a partner is key.
It’s not to blame you, it’s to give back the power to you. Every time you blame someone else, you’re putting your life in their hands. Ignoring your part of the dynamics means robbing yourself of the opportunity to create lasting change.
Don’t do that. Rather, trust that you can be the change if only you’re willing to put in the work. You absolutely can do it and start by making the tiniest changes today. It’s never too late to get the life you deserve.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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