I still don’t know much about relationships but one thing for sure is you’ll ruin your relationship when you overinvest.
I wish I learned this way earlier in my love life.
Not only overinvesting can create lots of unnecessary resentment, but it also makes you go crazy.
Here are some signs:
1. Your needs aren’t met — even after you’ve asked for it
You thought you’d given everything you have to this person but how could your needs aren’t fulfilled yet?
If you’ve tried your best to communicate this before and still doesn’t work out, it’s a warning sign you’re overinvesting.
I’ve been there a lot of times where I felt like it was just me who put in the work. You could feel it if you don’t put in effort, the relationship would crumble.
In reality, it shouldn’t be the case.
What’s the point of being in a relationship then? Shouldn’t it be two people’s job?
It’s one thing to tell your partner about your needs and another thing when you have to beg to get those needs met. Most people think they have to sacrifice their needs in order to get heard/taken seriously by their partners.
It’s sad.
You need to be able to find a common ground that works both for you and your partner to avoid resentment.
2. You feel like you’re asking too much
I always take it as a bad sign when your partner makes you feel like you’re asking for too much.
Because that feeling will linger deep within you and eventually you convince yourself that you shouldn’t ask at all.
Imagine being with someone where every time you ask them to spend more time with them, they see you as needy.
Even if it’s true that practically you ask “too much”, your partner should communicate it in a way that makes you feel safe and sound.
Now not only it creates resentment, but it also makes you believe that in order to get what you want from the relationship, you should put more.
Which leads to my next point…
3. You feel empty and emotionally drained most days
Many people who got out of a toxic relationship feel like they don’t know who they’re anymore.
They’re running out of love even for themselves. That’s because they spent so much time giving and giving.
Some people see it as unconditional love but that term only applies when it’s done by both parties in the relationship.
You can’t just keep loving someone who doesn’t want to put in the same effort.
It’s like breaking your own heart.
So if you’ve been feeling empty or emotionally drained, take a step back rather than insisting to do/giving more.
It’s not a sin to ask yourself, “Is this relationship worth it?” because if you don’t do the reality check for your own sanity, who’s gonna do it?
4. You don’t know your priorities anymore
“There should be a limit to how much you can give in your relationship.”
When you’re overinvesting, you no longer think of your needs as your priority anymore.
It’s always your partner’s need and how you can make them even happier.
In day-to-day life, this could be a small thing such as, not wanting to take a break from cooking even though you so want to get out of the house and enjoy a day at the lake just by yourself.
Sometimes we forget that we are also individuals who have our own interests and needs.
There should be a limit to how much you can give in your relationship.
Because the moment you revolve yourself and your whole life around your relationship, you already lose your power.
5. You see the relationship as merely a transaction
You can see how fucked a relationship is by seeing how they talk about their partners.
There are usually too many complaints and how they wish things were different.
Most of them don’t realize that they’re overinvesting. They see it as something they need to put up with.
Over time, the resentment builds up to the point where they see the relationship as nothing but a transaction.
The problem with that perspective is, you can never genuinely care about the person.
You start seeing yourself as the victim in your relationship and if you want something, you should give something in return.
It’s mentally tiring to keep track of the “transactions”.
…
Should you quit or should you stay?
It’s a tricky question.
“You deserve someone who doesn’t make you overinvest.”
I’ve known a couple who changed the dynamic in their relationship by breaking up and getting back together a few months later.
It happens all the time when people take things for granted in a relationship. And sometimes, they need a reminder for that.
Your partner may not realize that you’re overinvesting but you can always have “the talk”.
It’s also a good time to see if you’re both still on the same page.
If things stay the same in the end, at least you can tell yourself, “I’ve tried my best to save the relationship.”
Because it’s impossible to keep making someone else’s cup full and let yours empty.
That’s not what a healthy relationship looks like.
And in case you’re wondering, you deserve someone who doesn’t make you overinvest.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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