If you have significantly strong feelings for someone enough that you consider yourself madly in love with them, then it’s normal to want to know where you stand with them.
You might have done just about everything there is in the book of “what serious couples do”. From spending a lot of time together, going on countless dates, traveling together, hanging out with each other’s friends, etc.
In fact, you’re basically a couple, but why are you still stuck in that awkward space between courting and being an official couple?
Now, the truth is, there are a hundred and one reasons why a man might be unwilling to be in a committed relationship with you and yet, would still want you around. Some of which are harsh truths you might have already known all along but don’t want to admit.
And another bitter pill to swallow is that you can never compel or make someone who doesn’t want to commit to you change their mind.
Sure, it sucks and even feels like being rejected by someone you like so much when you find yourself in such a situation, but it isn’t always worth subjecting yourself to the hurting and disheartening feelings of “not being good enough” for him — if you keep staying around.
Hence, I kind of think coming to terms with why they’re still willing to keep you around despite telling you they don’t want a relationship, might not only help you feel better but might also make walking away — which is the best thing to do, a lot easier.
1. He’s Just in For The Sex
For almost everyone, being or wanting to be in a romantic relationship comes from the desire to meet certain needs including emotional and even physical needs. And some people wouldn’t want to take things further when their vital needs for wanting one are constantly being met.
If your guy somehow made it clear that he doesn’t want a relationship but is still keeping you around, it might be because he’s getting the necessary need for him to want one met — so there aren’t many reasons for him to bother. Defining the relationship might not mean anything to him because sex which is all he wants is involved before you got into a commitment.
Jess Carpenter of HackSpirit.com says,
“If you’re giving him all the rewards and benefits of being in a relationship even before you got into a commitment, then he doesn’t really see the need to lock you down and put a label on it.”
Like a lot of men out there, I’ve always wanted and maybe even loved to have sex and wouldn’t want to miss any opportunity to have one. But after understanding that sex for many women is even much more about emotional connection than the physical act, I see no reason to lead a woman I don’t want a relationship with into believing we have a chance of being a couple just because of a few moments of sexual pleasure. Maybe unless she’s happy and cool with a casual sexual relationship.
So if you aren’t in for a casual sexual relationship, and a guy you want something serious with but doesn’t want the same is still hanging around, then he might be doing so just for the sex. You may know this already, and that it’s even harsh, but it is what it is.
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2. He can’t Get Enough of the Activities you Enjoy Together
If you’ve been seeing a guy who keeps you around and it doesn’t feel like you’re in a relationship, it might just be that they can’t get enough of the activities you both enjoy.
That’s exactly why a lot of people end up wasting a considerable amount of their time with someone that’s not even mildly interested in being in their lives and at the end of the day, deny themselves the opportunity to land the types of relationship they desire.
Mitzi Bockmann, expert love, and life coach once said:
“One interesting aspect of relationships is the habits they create for us. By habits, I mean those things you do together regularly. Maybe it’s Wednesday night Netflix or Saturday morning pancakes — anything you both enjoy doing together regularly or as a ritual of sorts.”
As Bockmann said, a man might be willing to spend time with you despite not wanting a relationship just because he doesn’t want to give up the habits you two developed together.
I’ve been romantically involved with people who I even met based on similar interests and our relationships bonded more over the activities we enjoyed doing together. But apart from the habits, we shared with them, I so much liked and enjoyed their company as much as I enjoyed the activities we were bonding over — and wanting a relationship with them came very naturally out of the deep likeness and affection I had for them.
So if you’re in this situation where he only sees you for the sake of common interests, habits, or activities you both engage in, that might explain why he’s still hanging around despite making it clear that he doesn’t want a relationship.
And you wouldn’t want to keep wasting a considerable amount of the little time you’ve got in this world hoping that someone who’ll only get you more confused and even upset with his non-committal vibes will eventually change his mind and want a relationship with you.
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3. He’s Staying away from Relationship Drama
You can really like someone but for some reason, you wouldn’t want a relationship maybe at the moment. Some people out there often feel overwhelmed by the idea of being in a relationship sometimes, because of the drama, emotional stress, and every not-so-cool thing they usually come with.
Sometimes, it might simply be because they’ve been involved with someone who was constantly crazy and would prefer to avoid dealing with similar circumstances in the future.
A friend of mine was head over heels in love with a guy. She felt like they really clicked and would make a great couple. And that’s quite true because they got along very well. But never went official, his reason was that he had been previously involved in stressful, draining, and highly dramatic relationships and can’t stand the thought of being in another relationship again. But he still hung around obviously because he was enjoying her company, attention, and other benefits of being in a relationship.
If you’re in a similar situation, the best thing you can do is to cut off. It’s highly unlikely that you would be able to convince them that things will be different with you.
Besides, you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone whom you’d constantly be trying your hardest to convince and prove to that you’re different and that the relationship will be worth their time and effort. It’ll be really draining and unsatisfying for you.
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4. He Wants You to Be One of His Options
For some men, romantic safety nets exist. They might want to keep you because it seems like they can’t make up their minds.
And they don’t like the idea of committing to you and making the relationship exclusive and official, at the expense of giving up the opportunity to keep to wooing and chasing other options.
To be honest, this is an extremely complicated situation because they are not ready to settle down with you and are aware that they don’t have genuine feelings for you, so they will resist the idea of committing to you.
So, if you’ve found yourself with someone who has never expressed romantic interest in you, the situation may be much simpler. He may appreciate you as a friend and person, but not as a potential romantic partner.
Because he may be naturally flirtatious, and it makes no difference to him.
5. You’re making Yourself Available to Him
This should be quite obvious. But the blunt truth is that he’s still hanging around because you’re making yourself available.
You’re letting him treat you the way he does. Maybe you deep down still want to keep seeing him. You’re strongly hoping he’d eventually want the same thing you want if you just hold on.
It hurts and is even soul-crushing to keep seeing him despite his lack of interest in a relationship with you, but maybe you fear it’ll be even more shattering if you cut ties with him.
See, you could be willing to string along with him and his non-committal ass for multiple reasons, but it all boils down to the fact that you’re stuck in that limbo between having a relationship and courtship with him because you’re making yourself available for a guy who treats you the opposite of how you want to be treated.
That’s why you might want to cut all ties with this non-committal guy even though it’ll hurt so that you’ll make yourself available for someone who you’ll enjoy the kind of relationship you want with.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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