You could ask 1,000 people, “would you accept an abusive relationship?” and you’ll hear, “never!” 1,000 times. Everybody thinks they’re smart, have a strong personality, and would never go through a cr*ppy relationship. Except there’s one trick they ignore.
You wouldn’t know your relationship is abusive.
Do you ever wonder why people stay in these relationships? It’s because they don’t always feel abusive. They stay because they can’t fix a problem they don’t see. Even smart, healthy, and stable people can fall for it.
That’s what makes these relationships so dangerous.
But there are a couple of things you can do. Abusive relationships leave you with an unsettling feeling that you can’t really describe. And there are a few situations that trigger this feeling. That’s how you know it’s abusive.
Here are the tiny habits that people ignore (although they shouldn’t):
1. You do things alone.
You may think it’s great to have your individuality. Couples take two different people, and you shouldn’t depend on your partner to do what you want. But abusive partners take that to an extreme.
Your abusive partner puts themself first.
They will never do an activity with you if they don’t want to, even when the goal is to spend time with you (it’s not always about the activity). That’s why you always end up alone. This habit looks harmless. But it shows a dangerous mindset.
They’re not willing to meet you halfway.
It’s nice to keep your individuality. But the goal of being in a relationship is to share your life with your partner. Sometimes, that means you have to do things only because they make your partner happy.
When your partner is abusive, making you happy isn’t a good reason to do something.
2. You’re confused when they’re nice.
Every action you (or your partner) take falls into one of two categories: Standard or outlier. Standard actions are in line with your overall behavior. Outlier actions aren’t. It’s when it breaks a pattern.
Abusive partners establish their pattern by being selfish. They never prioritize the relationship when it doesn’t benefit them directly.
That’s why you feel confused when they’re nice. It’s an outlier behavior.
It makes you feel unsettled like something isn’t right. You know that action doesn’t match your partner. It’s like watching a bird swimming when they’re meant to fly.
You could easily shake this feeling off. Why would you make a problem out of this? It’s like you want trouble. But it gives you important information. When you’re not used to being treated well, that’s a red flag.
3. You force appreciation.
Let’s imagine your abusive partner did something nice to you (for a change). They planned a surprise birthday party. That took weeks of preparation, time, money, and effort. And it’s your special day: The goal is to make you happy.
Yet, you can’t fully appreciate this surprise.
You know how much effort it took. And that’s exactly what it means to your partner: Effort. You know it’s not a selfless action. It’s not a representation of their feelings for you. They’re not happy to do it. That mindset changes your priorities.
Your priority isn’t to enjoy it. It’s to make sure they’re not disappointed.
Since it took so much from them, you have to do your best to show your appreciation. But guess what? You worry so much that you can’t genuinely appreciate it. It’s an endless circle.
You force yourself into appreciating their efforts.
Your special day doesn’t matter. You’re never the priority. You’re afraid of their reaction, so it’s easier to put on your “happy mask” and play your role.
4. You wonder for how long it’ll last.
Abusive relationships are an emotional rollercoaster. You have peaks of emotion when they make you feel like the king of the world. Then, you make one mistake, and you go down feeling like garbage. But you forget that when it goes up again.
Emotions are powerful. You will love anybody who treats you like a king.
Except that feeling never lasts. Let’s go back to the surprise party example. It’s a grand gesture, right? But you know it won’t last. Even when they’re nice, the first thought on your mind isn’t “wow, I feel so loved!”
It is: “I wonder until when this will last.”
Relationships take stability. When you don’t know how your partner will react, you always live on the edge. It might be exciting when you’re a teenager, but it will drain you emotionally.
You might ignore this because, during the great times, you feel great. And you use that as an example of how much they love you. So that cancels out your threatening feelings. But you should listen to your instincts.
5. You wonder if they’ll use it as leverage.
When your abusive partner is nice to you, there’s another red flag that goes through your mind. You think, “will they use it as leverage to never be nice again?”
Their priority was never to make you happy.
Being nice to you isn’t the expression of love. It’s a job. Once they fulfill their duty, they’re off the hook for the next months. So when you feel neglected and complain, they’ll use that as an example of how nice they are.
When people are genuinely nice to you, they’ll never mention it again. The point was to be nice, and that’s done. But when it’s not authentic, they’ll bring it up whenever they can because the point is to show off their kindness and boost their ego.
That’s how you see their true intentions.
Abusive people make you feel guilty when they’re nice. You take too much work for them. Loving partners are just happy to make you happy.
These feelings are easy to ignore because they’re not tangible. You worry something will happen, but you have no proof. You can’t say, “your true intentions are to boost your ego, not make me happy.” That’s why it’s easy to ignore these feelings.
When you have nothing concrete, your abusive partner won’t listen.
When it happens once, you may let it slide. But when your partner makes you feel unsettled every time you make plans together, that’s a red flag. Your feelings are a clear message that something is wrong. If you need help, talk to a friend: They can give you an impartial perspective.
But, whatever you do, don’t ignore your feelings.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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