Here’s a harsh pill to swallow: Attractive people have an unfair advantage.
You have more people interested in you, can find a relationship easily, have higher self-esteem, and even work opportunities. Overall, being attractive opens doors.
You may say it’s unfair. But it’s just how life works.
Everybody wants the advantages of being attractive. But putting in the effort isn’t enough. You have to do the right things.
Imagine you’re a woman, and you wear makeup every day because you want to be attractive. But what if men don’t find makeup attractive at all? You could become a makeup expert, and that still wouldn’t work. You’d spend time, money, and energy and get no results.
Women aren’t attractive because they do the wrong things without knowing it.
That’s a dangerous trap. When you know what not to do, you can finally do the right things and become attractive and confident.
Here are the habits that you believe make you attractive (but men hate them):
1. You call yourself a crazy b*tch.
You may think a “crazy b*tch” is fun. She’s the soul of the party, who always has energy and loves adventures. Or she’s a fierce lion who isn’t afraid to go after what she wants. Well, you’re wrong.
When you label yourself a crazy b*tch, you don’t come across as fun.
You come across as emotionally unstable. You know, the type of woman who would throw a tantrum and spill cocktails on the man. It’s the woman who is way too emotional and never listens to reason.
Men don’t think that’s attractive; they think it’s annoying.
You set the tone for how others will treat you. When you call yourself a crazy b*tch, you allow others to call you a b*tch. Even if you don’t mean it negatively, people can interpret it how they want.
Elegant women are open to fun. But they keep their standards high. A crazy b*tch parties like the world will end tomorrow. An elegant woman takes it slow because she knows she’ll have the next opportunity (to party and to go out with her date).
Exchange “crazy b*tch” with elegance. Slow is more attractive than extreme intensity.
2. You play hard to get.
Women believe relationships are like the economy (sounds boring, but bear with me): When a product is scarce, it raises the price. That’s why gold is so valuable. Humans value more what they can’t get.
Women believe when they play hard to get, it raises their value.
Except that couldn’t be more wrong. Playing hard to get doesn’t make you more desirable; it makes you exhausting. Nobody likes to chase a woman who mistreats you or sends confusing messages. That’s how you attract jerks.
When you play games, your actions don’t match your intentions. You can’t expect men to read your mind. You’re an adult: You’re responsible for communicating what you expect.
Great men enjoy open communication.
When you’re interested in a man, act accordingly. It doesn’t mean you should go all-in. But you can reciprocate his efforts. This way, everybody is on the same page.
There’s a difference between having high standards and playing games. It’s one thing to take it slow. It’s another not to do what you want only because you want to “increase your value.”
3. You play dumb.
The dumb blonde stereotype is outdated. But here’s how it started: Men like to feel like they’re useful. So the dumb girl act is a way to catch a man’s attention because you ask for help. Except there’s a small catch in this logic.
Nobody likes an act.
People like authentic people. Sure, they won’t mind helping you when you truly need it. But when you fake it to get attention, that comes across as desperate.
When you play dumb, you don’t show who you truly are.
Let’s say your act works. He fell in love and enjoys helping you. What happens now? Will you have your stupidity forever? What happens when he finds out you lied? What’s worse: This man doesn’t love you for who you are; he loves the act you created.
You want to build an authentic relationship. Even when you leave the morals aside, authenticity is always more attractive.
4. You compare him to your ex.
You may think it’s a compliment to compare your partner with your ex. “Baby, you’re much hotter/nicer/funnier than my ex!” And I believe you mean well.
But mentioning your ex is a vibe-killer.
Imagine you’re on a date and the man never stops mentioning his ex. Even if he criticizes her, you’ll think he’s crazy. Why would he go out with you if he’s not over her? What’s worse: Comparing you to his ex makes you feel like you’re in a dating competition like The Bachelor.
This man can be as handsome as Brad Pitt. But you’ll still find him deeply unattractive.
Yes, compliments can make you look attractive (everybody likes to be appreciated). But even when you mean it as a compliment, comparing your partner to your ex can backfire.
Here’s how to make great compliments:
- Look for qualities you genuinely admire. Bonus points if it’s an achievement from the other person, like a skill they’ve mastered.
- Put the other person in the center. The point is to make them feel good, so don’t compare.
5. You put other women down.
Nobody puts others down on purpose. When that happens, it’s normally an unconscious response. You know putting others down isn’t nice (at least rationally).
But what happens when you want to show you’re attractive?
Maybe you unconsciously believe you need to be better than others to be attractive. When you bad-mouth others, you believe you’re better (otherwise, you wouldn’t criticize). It puts you on a moral pedestal. That’s why it’s the quickest way to inflate your ego.
But how you treat others is a direct reflection of how you see yourself.
When you put others down, you show your own insecurities. But instead of dealing with your issues by yourself, you take it down on others. That habit doesn’t make you superior; it makes you deeply unattractive.
…
Attractive women focus on themselves (not on others). They’re interesting because they learn new skills, manage their emotions, and find new solutions to their problems.
People who are happy with themselves don’t need to criticize others.
Attractiveness isn’t rocket science. Yes, your looks matter. But attractiveness goes beyond that. How you treat others and your authenticity influence how others perceive you.
With this knowledge, you can leverage your efforts and stop making rookie mistakes.
But here’s one last piece of advice: Attractiveness changes from person to person. Depending on who you ask, the same woman can be gorgeous or average. So don’t obsess over what others think of you (don’t give them this power).
Instead, focus on being attractive to yourself.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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