He wants to wake up one day feeling grateful and relaxed in a happy and satisfying relationship with someone he loves.
And like a lot of people out there, he dreads the anxieties, stresses, and pressures of conflicted and unhealthy relationships.
But over the years, all the relationships he had ever found himself in could be best described as endless rollercoasters of overwhelming anxieties, stresses, and unhappiness.
These types of unhappy relationships can leave one feeling endlessly disturbed, devastated, and less optimistic about other stresses he’s to deal with in life.
Is it ever possible for one to enjoy happier and more satisfying relationships?
Well, yes, and it isn’t that difficult.
Of course, cultivating healthy and great relationships require hard, loving endeavors of commitment.
However, knowing what people who can never be happy in a relationship look like so you can avoid being one can be a game-changer:
1. People who hold onto past grudges and are unforgiving
To create a relationship that radiates positive energy, happiness, and satisfaction, holding a grudge shouldn’t be your go-to response to hurtful things your partner might have intentionally or otherwise done to you.
That’s why I would never get tired of preaching against bottling up negative feelings when you think someone has wronged you maliciously, callously, or carelessly.
Because holding a grudge against your partner often means you’ve been bottling up feelings of bitterness towards your partner for a long time.
But if you want to be and remain happy in your relationship, you’ll need to resist the urge to harbor anger, bitterness, resentment, or other negative feelings no matter how unpardonably or intolerably you think your partner might have wronged you.
Instead, you should focus on resolving whatever problem you have against your partner. Because being preoccupied with negative emotions will eventually harm your relationship and even your well-being.
Avoid bottling up negative emotions about a hurtful situation since they might make you hold grudges due to excessive built-up resentments and worse, make you unforgiving.
Because the truth is, grudges don’t solve problems and are very unlikely to make you feel better. Plus, harboring them won’t harm the person who inspired it, and even if it will, it’ll most likely cause you more harm.
Of course, it’ll mostly leave you wallowing in anxiety, and depression, and will even rob you of a chance in hell to be truly happy in your relationship.
The worst part is, that you’d be subjecting yourself to ridiculous and unnecessary sufferings from a particular past your partner might not be aware of if you choose to hold grudges. That’s why it’s pointless.
2. People who always compare their relationships to others
Your relationship can’t be anywhere near being a happy and satisfying one for you and your partner if you’re always obsessed with how your relationship stacks up against others.
Although, we all know that comparing our lives and relationships to someone else’s is unhealthy and even toxic.
Yet, a lot of people are oblivious to the fact that looking at our relationships through the lens of our perceived view of how perfect the relationships of others are, is misleading because what we see and know about their relationships are filtered fractions of what their relationships really are.
That’s why comparing one’s relationship to someone else’s will make the relationship unnecessarily complicated as it’ll fill him with unnecessary resentments towards his partner due to the unrealistic expectations he imposed on them, and this will, in the long run, make him even more unhappy and dissatisfied in the relationship.
While relationships comparison might seem like a great way to make sense of your own relationship, you’d be choosing to be miserable over being happy the minute you begin comparing your partner or relationship to another relationship.
Instead, learn to always appreciate your partner and relationship for their positive aspects because if you do, enjoying a happy and functional relationship becomes feasible.
Because the blunt truth is, your partner can never be your ex, your friends’ partner(s), or any other person. Your partner is one of a kind, with his or her own set of unique experiences, beliefs, characters, etc, and comparing them to someone else is just unfair and disrespectful to their unique and special personalities.
3. People who are selfless people-pleasers
It’s no secret that a lot of people feel unhappy, exploited, and treated unfairly or unequally in their relationships these days than ever before.
Among other reasons, this is also because so many people out of a sheer aversion for appearing selfish, allow people to exploit, manipulate, and treat them wrongly.
To be truly happy in a relationship, you don’t need to be overly unselfish up to the point where you can be easily treated without decency and respect by an abusive and needy lover. It’s just a dangerous path to walk in.
Because being selfless and caring doesn’t mean sweeping your needs, feelings, and happiness under the rug while focusing on that of your partner.
Yes, that’ll only make you a helpless puppet to needy and manipulative partner or partners who will make things seem as though, your failure to meet their needs proves that you’re a selfish bitch or asshole.
And even if you happen to be dating a great partner who isn’t needy, selfish, and manipulative, failing to prioritize your needs, wants, feelings, and happiness as much as you prioritize your partner’s will make you everything but happy in your relationship.
Sure, one needs to be selfless and nice but choosing not to do so at the expense of your needs, wants, feelings, and happiness isn’t selfishness. It’s self-care and it isn’t a taboo.
Rather, it’s giving in to the people-pleasing urge to avoid appearing or seeming selfish that’s a taboo. It’s an obvious sign of self-neglect. which is a necessary element of you so want to love and care for others well.
Because, if you don’t love and care for yourself, doing so for others will always drain you and you might not get enough in return.
4. The people who easily lose their sense of self-worth
To be genuinely happy in a relationship, you need to have a high level of self-worth because that’s what determines the standard of how you let others treat you.
Yes, it’s impossible to feel happy and satisfied in a relationship even though you’re investing and putting all your efforts into it when it’s obvious that you’ve entirely lost your sense of self-worth in the relationship.
That’s why creating a happy and satisfying relationship can never be possible when all you do is think of yourself way less than your partner sees you, compromise your values and yourself to make things work, and put up behaviors that reek of lack of knowledge of your self-worth and value.
In essence, you can’t afford to be happy in a relationship when you always make the mistake of compromising, tolerating and sacrificing excessively even at the expense of your self-worth, self-esteem, and self-value.
That’s why most people are unable to enjoy the kinds of relationships they so desire because they believe they need to conform to standards they don’t actually believe in, compromising their values and their selves to making things work, and acting in other ways that are nothing but a lack of knowledge of their self-worth and value and also a lack of love for themselves.
But the truth is, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You can’t give what you don’t have yourself. You need to love yourself in order to love someone else and be loved in return.
You need to have a true knowledge of your self-worth and value in order for others to treat you the way you deserve.
You need to respect yourself first to respect your partner and be respected in return.
Besides, if you lose yourself trying to please your partner in the name of love when they leave, you won’t be able to recognize yourself anymore.
5. People who always have ‘green-eyed monsters’
Your relationship will be everything but healthy, happy, and satisfying if you always let the little green-eyed monster on your shoulder take the wheels.
And yes, that’s true even if you don’t feel good enough or you’re an overly anxious person as long as you’re easily consumed with jealousy.
You don’t need to give in to the urge to always seek reassurance and validations in a bid to satisfy the insatiable doubts and insecurities you have about your relationship.
To enjoy happier and healthier relationships, you need to learn how to combat and defeat that cycling loop in your brain that tends to force you to endlessly seek reassurance that your partner still loves you or is loyal to you. Which at the very worse, might leave you in an irrational fear that your partner will leave or cheat anytime soon.
That’s why swimming in the pool of jealousy for too long has turned a lot of people into controlling and aggressive monsters who want to dictate how their partner should be, how they should behave, and interact with others. Thereby, sabotaging their happiness in unimaginable ways.
This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
From The Good Men Project on Medium
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