Have you ever invested months of your time and emotional energy into a relationship only to find out that the person you were interested in was toxic?
Yeah, we’ve all been there.
Although the phrase “toxic people” is being tossed around a lot lately, essentially a toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and stress to your life. “Toxic” isn’t a formal psychological term but rather refers to the way you feel when you’re dealing with these people.
Spotting a toxic person early on is extremely important, as it will save you time, energy, and keep you from getting hurt.
However, spotting them isn’t always easy. Most of us are familiar with the usual signs that indicate a toxic personality (e.g. emotional manipulation, gaslighting, or violation of boundaries), but often, they might exhibit other, lesser-known signs, which many people ignore.
Without further ado, what follows is a list of lesser-known signs that can indicate the person you’re interested in is toxic.
Let’s dive right in, shall we?
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#1. They Ask For Favors That Are Never Returned
A lesser-known sign someone has a toxic personality is when they constantly ask for favors but never do anything for you in return.
Of course, not everyone’s desire to do favors is motivated by personal gain — that’s why this sign is easily ignored. However, there is a difference between initiating a favor to help someone in need and constantly have a person:
- Asking you for money that is never returned to you.
- Asking you to change your plans to help them, but never canceling their plans to help you when you need them.
- Asking you for favors that make you feel uncomfortable but never going out of their way to do something for you in return.
You see, when the above-mentioned scenarios occur on a regular basis, it means that you’re dealing with a toxic individual who uses you for their own benefit, and takes advantage of your good intentions.
No matter the way you look at it, when someone truly cares for you and wants to invest in your relationship, they will return your favors — not because they feel obligated to do so, but because they want to please you.
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#2. They Can’t Apologize Without Adding a “But…”
Ηere’s the thing: when someone apologizes for making a mistake, you shouldn’t focus on the apology per se, but on the way that person frames their apology.
For example, let’s take a look at two apologies, framed in a radically different way:
- “I’m sorry for hurting you, my reaction was a mistake.”
- “I’m sorry for hurting you, but you’re the one who provoked my reaction.”
Did you spot the difference?
An apology that contains a “but”, isn’t a real apology. A person’s inability to apologize without adding a “but”, reveals selfishness, immaturity, a fragile ego, and an unwillingness to be held responsible for their actions — traits that constitute a toxic personality.
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#3. They Criticize All of Your Friends
Introducing your significant other to your friends is something that’s bound to happen sooner or later.
And, sure, your partner might take an immediate liking to all of your friends; but, chances are there will be some they won’t like — they might even criticize a friend of yours, who’s radically different from them.
If your significant other starts to criticize every single one of your friends, though, there’s a problem. You see, that’s a strategy a toxic person might use to shut you off from everyone outside your relationship and isolate you.
The reasons behind this kind of behavior are many:
- they might be overly jealous and possessive and want you all to themselves
- they might be insecure, and want to isolate you out of fear you’ll find someone better
- they might be controlling and want to cut your support networks so that they have you completely under their control
No matter which scenario of the above-mentioned you pick, they all reveal one thing: the person initiating them has toxic personality traits.
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#4. They Bring up Past Issues That Were Thought to Be Resolved
Bringing up old disagreements in a fight is something we’ve all done at one point or another.
Caught up in the heat of the moment and desperate to have a “win”, we might have brought up a mistake our partner made in the past or a relationship issue that had been long resolved.
But what happens when a partner keeps bringing up past issues defensively, every time you disagree with each other or conflict arises in your relationship? Even though it might surprise you, that kind of behavior, if occurring repeatedly, could be a sign you’re dealing with a toxic individual.
Someone who feels extremely insecure and wants to “win” every fight and every disagreement. Someone who likes making their partner feel helpless, uncomfortable, and trapped. Someone who wants to put the blame on their partner, instead of trying to resolve conflict in a healthy and mature way.
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#5. They’re Not Genuine Listeners
Once you start regularly interacting with someone, you can learn a lot about them by the way they act in a conversation.
For example, when someone cares about you or is at least interested in getting to know you better, they’ll make an effort to genuinely listen to you, stand in your shoes, and practice empathy.
Toxic individuals, on the other hand, not only are prone to interrupting others, but they also never genuinely listen.
Even when they see that you’re upset or sad and in need to talk to someone, they’ll still tune out what you’re saying, interrupt you, and start talking about themselves…and probably won’t stop.
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Putting It All Together…
Toxic individuals might not necessarily be bad people per se, but they do have difficult traits that can complicate your life, drain your emotional energy, and hurt your feelings as well as your self-esteem.
As health and wellness expert Susan Biali Haas states in her article:
“A difficult person in your life might not have a full-blown personality disorder; they may just have related traits that express themselves from time to time. It still takes a toll on your self-esteem and well-being to be around them.”
Spotting a toxic person before you emotionally invest in them can save you lots of trouble, stress, and heartbreak. That’s why you should keep an eye out for the following lesser-known signs that can indicate the person you’re interested in is toxic:
- asking for favors that are never returned
- an inability to apologize without adding a “but”
- criticizing all of your friends
- constantly bringing up past issues that were supposedly resolved
- an unwillingness to genuinely listen
Keep in mind that these are things we all might have done once or twice. What we’re looking for is behavior patterns — when a person keeps showing these signs and engaging in these behaviors over and over again.
So, if you recognized the above signs in your partner’s behavior or someone you’re romantically interested in, it would be best to let them go. You see, once a person proves to be toxic, walking away from them is essential for your emotional well-being. Don’t ever think you can change them.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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