Nobody tells you about the dangers of being in love.
You may not think about it, but the start of your relationship sets the tone for the rest. Once you create a habit, it takes a monumental effort to change it.
Imagine your partner never texts you (although you wish they would). You never say anything because you want to play it cool. But it bothers you too much. Years later, you burst out and have a massive argument. Your partner thinks you’re crazy: why was it okay before, but now it’s a problem?
You have to set the tone right from the start.
Except the start is the part when you’re overwhelmed with emotion. It’s not your fault: you’re in love and can’t see things clearly.
Here are the biggest mistakes you make at the beginning that will curse your relationship (and what to do instead):
1. Ignore your friends.
When you’re at the start of a relationship, it becomes the center of your life. You want to spend all your free time together. When you’re not, you wish you were (and keep thinking of when you’ll tell them about your awesome day).
But when you put all your energy into your relationship, you’ll have no energy for other people.
You’ll forget your friends.
People underestimate the power of great friendships. Your friends shape your personality when you’re young. They help you make sense of the world and share life-changing experiences. You grow together.
You should never ignore your friends because of your relationship.
What to do:
It’s normal to change your priorities. When you have a family and children, you’ll have more responsibilities. You won’t always have time to go out and party.
Still, keep in touch with your friends. It doesn’t take much:
- Send a quick text.
- Invite them for dinner.
- Engage with their posts on social media.
Small efforts go a long way to keep your friends close.
2. Never voice your concerns.
“We never argue” sounds great in theory, but it’s a dangerous trap.
Even the greatest couples face troubles. You come from different households and have different experiences. It would be weird if you never disagreed.
So, if you never argue, it means someone is holding back.
You may think avoiding trouble is the best thing to do. You don’t want to be the annoying person who always disagrees and starts uncomfortable conversations.
Except your troubles won’t disappear when you ignore them.
What to do:
Nobody teaches you how to understand (let alone voice) your concerns. If you don’t feel confident enough to speak up, work on yourself first:
- What’s the root of the problem?
- What do you expect from your partner?
- What do you think will happen when you speak?
Once you understand the situation, you’ll feel more confident to speak up. This way, you’ll be more assertive when you talk.
3. Forget your hobbies.
Your hobbies shape you. They reflect your skills, personality, and interests. It’s what you do for yourself, the ultimate act of self-care.
Yet, people forget their hobbies when they’re in a relationship.
You’ll slowly stop making time for yourself. At first, it’s an exception. The second time, you wanted to spend time with your partner. Next thing you know, it’s been months since you did something for yourself.
You can’t give up on who you are for your partner.
What to do:
Relationships aren’t two halves; they’re two complete individuals. You’re not selfish because you want to make time for your hobbies.
What happens when the relationship ends and you forget yourself?
Make time for your individuality. It doesn’t have to be big. Maybe fifteen minutes of reading or doing yoga once per week. Your hobbies matter.
4. Overlook red flags.
The start of any relationship is intoxicating. It’s almost like a drug: all you can think of is your partner, and it’s almost a physical need.
But this stage makes you vulnerable because you’ll ignore red flags.
Imagine you go to a restaurant for a date. Everything goes well until your partner is rude to the waiter. You may think, “he was so lovely to me; I’m sure that’s nothing.”
Except it was something. Your feelings make you justify unjustifiable things.
What to do:
Red flags never come out of nowhere; they’re there from the beginning. You just couldn’t see them.
So have an honest look at your partner.
- Listen to your friends (they’re not emotionally attached).
- Watch how he acts around others (your partner may try to impress you, but not others).
- Know what you expect from a relationship (and don’t accept less).
Red flags won’t magically disappear with “the power of love.” So don’t expect your partner to change. Instead, run at the first sign of a red flag.
5. Postpone (or adjust) your goals.
Let me tell you a harsh truth: life is a single-player game.
Yes, you’ll meet great people along the way, and they’ll help you. But you’re responsible for building the life you want. Nobody else can do this for you.
When you start a relationship, you may feel tempted to adjust your goals.
Imagine your dream was to backpack through Europe, but you just met an awesome guy. Now your dream puts you at a crossroads: would you risk losing your relationship for your trip?
What to do:
The biggest mistake people make is to see things in black or white. Either a job or a hobby. Either my relationship or my trip to Europe. Except life isn’t binary.
There’s always a middle ground.
Instead of postponing your dreams for your relationship, try to find a middle ground. Your relationship should never come at the cost of your dreams.
Toxic relationships make you choose between love or your dreams. Great relationships are on your team, and they’ll help you find a solution to the problem (if that’s a problem at all).
The beginning of a relationship holds more power than you imagine. But that’s also when you’re the most vulnerable because you’re in love. These signs will give you an impartial perspective, so your emotions don’t get in your way.
Don’t get me wrong: it’s great to invest in your relationship.
But when you set the tone wrong, you can’t expect your partner to change in the future. You risk creating a relationship where you accept less than you deserve and invest way too much.
If it costs you your friendships, hobbies, or even your dreams, that price is too high.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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Ignoring red flags early in a relationship is what hurts men long-term. A lot of men realize this truth years into a relationship when it’s too late. Always listen to that voice that tells you to walk away when you see a big red flag.