You hear all sorts of popular wisdom about cheating. And they have good intentions: they want to spare you from a lifetime of suffering. But what if you’ve been following the wrong advice all this time?
Cheating isn’t as simple as you might expect.
Relationships are like people: they might be similar, but each one is unique. You won’t find one rule that applies equally to all relationships. Cheating is no exception. You’ll waste time (and maybe even give up on people you love) because of these silly rules.
Don’t let others dictate your relationship.
You shouldn’t follow the rules. You should create the rules that work best for you.
These are the popular pieces of advice about cheating that most people believe are true (but they’re completely wrong):
1. Cheating is the same for everyone.
When you start a relationship, you agree to some rules. You agree to spend time together, make plans, and meet each other’s families. More importantly: you agree to stay monogamous. Except you never really had this conversation.
You assume everybody knows the rules of relationships.
You accept these rules without even thinking about it. But what if your partner doesn’t agree with those rules? What if cheating has a different meaning for them?
There’s no guidebook to determine what cheating is.
Maybe for you, it isn’t cheating without sex. Maybe for your partner, talking to people on dating apps is already cheating.
You can’t assume you’re on the same page. You need to talk to your partner, so you understand what they expect from this relationship (and find out if you expect the same things).
2. Cheating equals sex.
When you think of cheating, it’s easy to think of sex (after all, that’s the furthest a person can go, right?). Except, cheating can happen in multiple forms.
Relationships go way beyond sex. Why wouldn’t cheating be the same?
Imagine your partner has Tinder on their phone and speaks to other people. They may not have sex with them, but the goal of the app is to start relationships. It’s extremely disrespectful to engage on the app (even if it’s just “for fun”).
Cheating happens when they disrespect your agreement.
It can happen when they flirt with other people, when they become emotionally involved with someone else, or when they just kiss. What makes it cheating or not is the intention behind it.
Sex is the most extreme cheating, but all the steps before it are already cheating.
3. You can never forgive cheating.
Cheating is a deal-breaker for most people. When you forgive cheating, you risk being judged by all the puritans who will say you were “too weak to stand your ground.” Except, cheating is a complicated situation.
You will find multiple reasons to forgive a cheater.
Life isn’t made of princesses and evil witches. Life’s just a lot of people with different perspectives. Few things in life are unforgivable, and I don’t think cheating fits into that list (yet, forgiving isn’t the same as giving them another chance).
There’s only one person who knows what’s best for you: yourself.
Only you know what you expect from a relationship and how you feel about your partner. You’re the one who will make the decision and live with its consequences. So if you truly believe you’ll be happier by giving your partner a second chance, you should do it.
You’re the one who says what you forgive and what you don’t.
4. Cheating is the end of love.
You’d think the cheater only cheats because they don’t genuinely love their partner. Yet, I found that’s not true. You’ll find multiple reasons why people cheat: lack of communication, bad surrounding, and even harmful habits. None of them mention love.
The cheater can cheat and still love you.
You’d think those two concepts are opposites, but I didn’t find any evidence of that in my research. Yet, there’s one small catch.
Love isn’t enough for a relationship.
Just because the cheater still loves you, that doesn’t mean you should give them a second chance. Relationships take trust, planning, the willingness to work on it, and even money. How can you share your life with someone you don’t trust? How can they raise your children?
The cheater can still love you, but that doesn’t cancel the consequences of their decision.
5. Your attitude doesn’t change what you did.
You’d think cheating ends when the act is over or when they end their affair. But you missed one important point. I say cheating ends when you learn their attitude towards it.
How people handle their mistakes speaks volumes about them.
Imagine two people who cheated. The first sincerely apologized, understood the mistake, and did their best to stop the damage. The second person denies it happened, blames you, and shows no remorse at all.
Would you say these two scenarios are the same?
Everybody makes mistakes. Maybe you wouldn’t cheat, but you might do something different that hurts your partner just as much (even when you don’t mean it).
Your reaction to your mistakes might not be enough to fix them. But it’s the difference between a decent person and an as*hole.
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Cheating is one of the worst things that can happen to you in a relationship. It destroys your self-esteem overnight, breaks the trust between you and your partner, and hurts more than a punch in your face. It’s no wonder you’re in great pain.
Yet, you’ll find multiple misconceptions about cheating.
When you realize that there’s no golden rule that guides you to the perfect relationship, you become the protagonist of your story. You get to question the status quo and create a relationship that fits you.
It takes more effort, but it gives you a greater reward.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash