There’s lots of advice about what makes a man and how to be one. But the only voice that matters is your own.
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In some conversations, you reveal yourself as an oaf if you fail to use — or if you mock — gender-neutral language. That’s certainly a 21st centuryism. And it’s now totally cool to wear your emotions visibly and to hug children publicly, although only if you’re their parent.
But in our current, supposedly enlightened world, the search for individual identity is hard. There are many conflicting opinions on your phone about what you “should be” as a “Real Man.”
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How’s “the average man” supposed to define his role?
It’s good we’re stripping away the stereotypes, which were often condescending or maligning.
But if you’re not going to be a “Real Man,” what are you going to be?
Artists often illuminate realities few of us want to face. And their works are labeled “edgy” or they are shunned, mocked, or even banned until society catches up. You may recall Bruce Springsteen’s poignant song The River, a ballad from my youth. It’s the tale of experience and expectation many young men still encounter, thirty plus years after Springsteen described it:
“I come from down in the valley, where mister, when you’re young, they bring you up to do just like your daddy done.”
I think most men aspire, at some point in life, to have the success symbols valued in their community, whether those are trucks, fishing boats, law-firm partnerships, abs, stock portfolios, or photogenic partners. These things are to be found somewhere near “the top”, so we all spend at least a little time jostling for places in the line to get there. Once on Society’s track of expectation, it’s hard to imagine how you could have another life.
You can, but you won’t achieve it until you get to know yourself well enough to understand you must put your own beliefs first.
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Community expectations may not be written, but they exist
Manliness expectations do follow the changing requirements of life, albeit very slowly. It’s just as well. I would be hopeless at catching a horse, let alone riding it with any form. And sometimes old skills suddenly become desirable.
In a recent Esquire piece, the ancient art of Meditation was listed as an essential modern life skill. I doubt my beloved father could have even defined the term.
Today, should a modern man be able to pour drinks and make adult conversation about current affairs while simultaneously soothing his first-born? More importantly, should he think that was a valuable skill?
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Joe Jackson questioned traditional gender roles in another song written during the eighties awakening.
From Real Men:
“Is he rough or is he rugged, is he cultural and clean … we wonder who the real men are.”
Who are you?
I believe when you know who you really are, that you’ll also have answered what it means — to you — to be a man. It matters not what others define as a “good man”, or even whether you should aspire to be a “real” one. But it matters hugely whether you’re true to yourself. And I think it matters whether you care for the rights of others.
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Here are five reasons no one can tell you what it means to be a man
1.Your value set is a unique one
Success is living the life you want to live. If you’re a man, upholding the things you believe in — against whatever opposition you face — is the ultimate manliness, I believe.
Only you know the values you value most.
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Naturally, most people in the same community have similar views on many things.
Values like fairness and the rights of unborn children may be almost unanimously held among everyone you know. But those are only two values out of hundreds. And if we compared our concepts of “fairness”, your definition would inevitably differ from mine.
The full spread of your beliefs, and the weighting you give to various aspects, is unique. And so no one else can tell you what part of life matters more.
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2. Your arsenal of strengths, skills and vision is unique
What are you best at? Even if we’re both writers, no one would claim our work to be interchangeable, even if we wrote in the same genre, for the same audience. The way you choose to develop your skills is unique. You saw this at school. Everyone took the same classes. But each individual had a different experience, and a different outcome.
What is your hope for your life, and the loves of those you love? Even if you embrace the “new age” emphasis of sharing your feelings, the way you do it will be unique.
The priority you give to your skills should be the one that helps you uphold your values authentically. And no one can tell you how to do that better than you can.
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3. Your life path is unique
The opportunities you come across and the options you get presented, are probably unique, given that the same choices given to someone else will be viewed through different eyes.
Which life path demonstrates manliness?
No one but you knows how many cliffs you’ll jump off just to prove you’ll dare.
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Would anyone else know which path was best for you? I doubt it.
I’ve chosen many “wrong” paths, defined as ones that didn’t, in the end, advance causes I believed in. But in the seasons when others have chosen a path for me, I’ve always felt less committed.
Only you can choose the path that will make you a more complete man.
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4. Your motivation to contribute is unique
If you’re conscious about the idea of being a man, you must want to be significant, to matter. Maybe that’s just to someone you love; maybe it’s because you want to make waves and climb mountains.
But no one knows the depth of your desire as you do. No one knows how many cliffs you’ll jump off to prove you are daring.
Your character is visible whenever you stand up and do anything; your actions are shareable by anyone with a cell phone, and they will be. So don’t do what you imagine a “real man” would do. You’ll be disappointed, in yourself, in your old age, if you weren’t true to your values.
It’s very easy for others to jeer and tease and post meaningless challenges in the hope of “proving” you aren’t this or that. You’re already the man you need to be. Dance; arrange flowers, and don’t pass by on the other side if helping others would uplift you.
And it usually does.
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Your character is unique
How far will you go, and how many times will you return to attempt another goal, if you keep missing? Why did Michael Jordan keep practicing basketball, after he had won universal name recognition and more money that he could spend?
His will to perfect himself was really the only motivation left.
Others will give you targets and social media will provide plenty of expectations. “Everyone” knows what a caring man is and does; “everyone” knows what a “real” man would do. But opinions “everyone” holds are not usually worth listening to or reading.
The only opinion that should define manliness for you is yours.
Be yourself, and uniquely serve the world.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Great piece, but you are preaching to the choir. Most men here know that the expectations put upon us are damaging – whether that comes from Cosmo’s laundry lists of “25 Things That Make a Real Man” that the women who read it will swallow, attempts by feminism to pressure men into forcing ourselves to be just like women, or PUAs attempts to impose an equally narrow box on men that they think all women want.
Whatever happened to treating people as individuals?
Excellent article Anthony. This is the message I try to get out all the time. This venue is at least one that can appreciate what you say. In the real world, and I mean that in the same way I hear it out there about a real man is a totally different animal. I don’t know how many conversations I’ve had out there in mixed company about this very subject and most of the times many of the woman will go right to the ” awww. My man better not be thinking like that because I want a real man”… Read more »