A friend of mine recently posted on Facebook asking others to please stop coming up to her and telling her that her husband is already out in public with his new girlfriend. She knew and didn’t need to be reminded. She went on to say in her post that she had been 100% committed to her marriage vows and would continue to do so. Talk about heartbreaking–makes you want to throw up. Tough decisions.
I’ve been in tough places in my marriage too, but not quite to the extent that she is in hers. I have from time to time, and sometimes daily, thought divorce would just be easier.
I understand why 50% of all marriages end in divorce. It seems easier to get out than to fix the problem. I recently went through one of those stages in my marriage. We had come to a crossroads in the marriage where something had to change. It was going to change, or I was getting out. It got changed. As the weeks went on after the change, I thought to myself, why the hell didn’t I just file for divorce? It would have been easier.
It would have been easier because then I wouldn’t have had to look in the mirror and acknowledge that I was part of the problem. I wouldn’t have to work my ass off trying to correct my dysfunctional thoughts. I wouldn’t have to change my expectations of him and just accept the fact that some things are what they are.
Like the fact that he can pick his underwear up out of the bathroom floor and throw them on the floor in front of the clothes hamper, but doesn’t seem to have the strength to open the clothes hamper and put them inside. It is what it is. By the way, that wasn’t the thing that had to change, or I was getting out.
I realize that if I get divorced but don’t acknowledge my faults that I will more than likely end up right back in the same relationship that I got out of. I didn’t want that.
So if divorce is easier, why should I stay?
1. I made a commitment. For better or for worse. I hope that the better is ahead, and I want to stick around to enjoy some of this better stuff. We are both working hard to be our best selves. I want to find out what marriage looks like when two people are striving to a higher level.
2. He’s a good dad. He may not always be the best husband, but he’s a good dad. Our kids love him and need him in their lives. My son recently gave him a father’s day card that said he wanted to be like him when he grew up. Our children deserve the chance to see their parents at their best inside of marriage.
3. I want to have an affair, but I want it to be with my husband. I want to make it a priority to treat my marriage as an affair every day. I want to bring back that passion, play, and excitement in my life, but I want to do it with my spouse. After 20 years of marriage, this is a necessity.
4. I need to remind myself of his good qualities. We get so wrapped up in picking out the negatives in our spouse that we forget to look at the positives that they possess. If we start to remind ourselves and our spouse daily of their positives, our mindsets will change to appreciate what we have now, instead of missing them when they’re gone.
5. Some of those struggles are what make me a better person. I almost feel sorry for people who tell me they have a perfect marriage. They don’t have any issues or fights. These issues and fights are what help me take a hard look at myself and see where I can improve. It’s not 100% his fault all of the time. I have to take accountability for my faults and try to find ways to improve. That’s part of life.
Yes, divorce does seem to be the easy way out at times. I can get divorced, blame him for all of my problems and go on about my life in ignorant bliss. That’s not the life I want. I want to be my best self.
I want to address my dysfunctional issues. I want to have a great marriage, not an easy way out. I’m not saying there are not legitimate reasons for divorce, there are, but sometimes we get divorced because it’s the easy way out.
Photo: Flickr/ Bob Jenkin