Let’s face it, the word “sex” gets everyone’s attention. Magazines like Cosmo, Maxim, Marie Claire, and GQ feature it prominently on their covers at pretty much every opportunity. You want to do it better, longer, and more frequently. You search for the G spot, multiple orgasms and the most erotic positions. You want to have hot, passionate, rip your clothes off sex every time you get intimate.
Unfortunately, the longer you’re in a relationship, the less likely you will have mind-blowing sex every time. This is one of the reasons many people give for saying that monogamy is old-fashioned and no longer relevant. But you don’t have to settle for bad, or unsatisfying, sex. But like any troubled area in your life, you need to identify the real problem before you can solve it.
There are five common reasons for having bad sex:
1. Not paying enough attention to yourself. You may be hesitant to ask your partner for what feels good, especially if it might be a bit edgy. You may not know what feels good because you’ve never experienced the kind of pleasure you’ve been told you’re supposed to feel. It’s important to remember that you aren’t like everyone else and neither is your partner. You’re going to fit together differently and it’s important to be open to some experimentation. In addition, what feels good one time, may not always feel good the next. Where a woman is in her cycle, body changes due to age (yours and hers) or circumstance, and other physiological factors may be at play. Your willingness to learn your body and share that information with your partner is important for good sex.
2. Not paying enough attention to your partner. The best sex is not just a physical release; it is also an emotional connection. When you are only interested in your pleasure, sex may be great for you, but your partner won’t feel the same way. Unfortunately, the increase in the availability of pornography can give you the wrong idea about what your partner enjoys. You may miss the subtle signs your partner is giving about where they are in their level of excitement and pleasure. It’s easy to get caught up in what you’re feeling and assume your partner is right there with you. But good sex involves the two of you, paying attention to each other’s pleasure while staying in touch with your own.
3. Timing. This concerns both the time of day you are having sex as well as how much time you allot to your encounter. You may be one of those people who is ready any time of the day. Or, you may find morning sex more to your liking than last thing at night. Setting up your schedule to take advantage of what you know works best for you and your partner will result in better sex for you both. It’s also important to have enough time for both of you to maximize your desire. This means making time for foreplay so both of you are able to fully enjoy the encounter.
4. Too routine. Timing plays a role in this as well. Winking at your partner and saying, “It’s Saturday night, you know what that means,” is a clue you might want to shake things up. If you, or your partner, can predict the exact moves made to initiate and complete your sexual encounter, you are suffering from this problem. Massage here, touch there, kiss this, stroke that, get into this position, shift to that one. Same action, different day. Shaking things up is the solution here. Take intercourse off the table, focus on pleasing just one of you one time and switch the next, whatever you come up with that you both agree to is a good way to break out of your sexual rut.
5. Problems in the relationship. It’s commonly accepted that if your relationship is good, what happens in the bedroom is about ten percent of it, but if it’s bad, bedroom issues can move up to ninety percent. While fixing what’s ailing your relationship may not always fix the sex, it is almost impossible for the sex to be great if the relationship isn’t. You may take note that sex isn’t as frequent or as pleasurable and think that’s the problem, but this would be a mistake. Paying attention to your relationship and listening to what your partner is saying about her level of satisfaction with it can keep you on track sexually.
It’s unrealistic to expect over-the-top, fireworks sex each time you have it. But it is also not necessary to settle for bad sex either. Sex, like anything else, takes time and intention. Paying a bit more attention to all its aspects can have a great payoff in your level of pleasure.
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This post was previously published on The Hero Husband Project and is republished here with permission from the author.
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