Love and loss are two sides of the same coin: if you know love, you are bound to experience loss. Everyone who is looking for an emotional entanglement is just striving for the better part of love and loss equation. And that is exactly where our emotions get the best of us.
When we are vigorously looking for our one true love, our the one, we tend to forget that there are going to be some losses along the way and we are bound to learn from those mistakes. You won’t get it right the first time — unless you are Cindrella, then you might; but fairytales are just that: tales. And we are in the real world, living real lives, hurting and learning due to real people.
So, the sooner you understand if the relationship you are in is not the destination, but a pit stop, the better.
They make you silent about your dreams
Our dreams define us. Everyone is working towards a dream in one way or another. And a little support from your partner in life can go long way in this ultimate quest. No-one is saying that you need a mindless cheerleader as a companion but a decent amount of faith and positive thinking really can make a difference.
But if you feel that you are constantly second-guessed at every turn of your life then that is bound to rub on your self-worth. So if any relationship romantic or otherwise makes you silent about your dreams then it’s definitely a pit stop. It’s not your destination, you can recognize that and move on.
They make you invisible
There is a reason why most of the rom-com love speeches end up in the following scenario:
A girl comes running to a guy and finally admits that she was blind before, that she didn’t see him clearly; and now that she does, she knows there is no-one better.
Everyone wants to be seen or heard in a relationship. Acknowledgement is the first step towards validation. We want to be validated. We want our partner to support us in our endeavors. We seek their consent not because their stamp of approval is mandatory, but because, if our achievements bring them joy and satisfaction, then that gives us happiness. And if the opposite is true, if you feel invisible and lonely in a relationship, then it’s inevitably gonna take a toll on your happiness.
They are sarcastic
No. I am not saying all sarcasm is bad, I am through and through Chandler Bing fan, hence I will never say that. And I am all for passive humour, but there is a fine line between passive humour and hurtful sarcasm.
A dash of sarcastic wit never hurts anyone. But when the same comment is coming from a position of hostility and insecurity then it becomes emotionally hurtful for the one who is on the receiving end of it. And these kind of exchanges are always worse than honest conversations as they are disguised as a joke. Which removes any scope for confrontation in a relationship as you cant confront and work on a problem which was never voiced in plain words.
They make you change the way you feel happy
Happiness is as random as life. Sometimes you feel happy from a distasteful joke and sometimes a child’s smiling face lights up your entire afternoon. It’s unexpected and wholesome. No-one can truly define what makes one happy.
When in a relationship we can make some guesses if a certain action or statement will make our partner crack up but the surety of it is completely beyond us. But if anyone tries to dictate why and how you should feel that surprise of joy, if they make you change the way you feel happy then reconsider their position in your life.
They make your life song a sad one.
I have this theory about life songs. They define what I feel in the moment. Contrary to its name, it’s a bit temporary and evolving. Truth be told, my life song changes every week. This week it’s “Single Ladies” by Beyoncé.
I genuinely believe that music represents our moods in the best way possible. And it is completely justified to have a sad song as your life song. But the point is, you have to put it on the jukebox of your heart. You have to pick the song, No-one else should get to decide your moods.
So don’t let anyone make your life song a sad one.
“Some things cannot be fixed; they can only be carried.” — Megan Devine
We as humans are told that we need to win in all the situations. Losing is not an option or in better terms “not an honourable option.” Hence we try and win our relationships, we tell our minds that — I can fix this, I can mend this, I can make this work. But some relationships can not be mended they can only be carried. The smart move is to know when to walk away. The moment you realize that there is nothing to fix just to learn is the moment you actually win a circumstance.
You win not because you successfully failed a relationship, nor because you identified your “not the one” — but because you are undoubtedly one step closer to your destination. These losses, these failed relationships, are going to reorganize your world; so reorganize it for the better.
Previously published on medium
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